Sacred and Profane

Not Fair!

2011-11-09T13:48:00.004-07:00

Dear Children of Mine:

Every day you whine and cry abou how UNFAIR your lives are. How UNFAIR it is that you have to _____________________ (go to school/clean the bathroom/eat your vegetables) and you are driving me batty with it all. You know what, dear children? You have no idea what UNFAIR really is so I've created this handy dandy field guide. When you're feeling a little put upon and like your cushy life is so UNFAIR - pull this bad boy out and see if the situation qualifies. If not? Then shut it and be grateful.

Unfair is the little girl whose dad died fighting in Iraq.

Unfair is NOT that you have to clean the bathroom that you pee in every day.

Unfair is the little boy with one arm in Africa because rebels chopped it off to send a message.

Unfair is NOT that you have to go to bed by 9pm on school nights.

Unfair is the family that has no place to live but their car and they don't even have enough money for gas to run the heater at night.

Unfair is NOT that you have to share a room with your sister.

Unfair is little boys and girls that are abandoned at orphanages in other countries simply because of their sex or a birth defect.

Unfair is NOT that you have to eat your broccoli.

Unfair is the kid down the road whose dad frequently uses him as a punching bag.

Unfair is NOT that you get grounded for misbehaving or disobeying based on a decision you made with your own free will.

Unfair is the kid that is kidnapped and sold into slavery.

Unfair is NOT that I won't let you watch a rated R movie or listen to some rap star with a "Grill".

Again, if you're feeling like life is unfair for you - please refer back to this list. If it doesn't qualify then don't come whining to me about how unfair it all is.

With Kindest Regards,
Your fair and loving Mother.

If They Ask, I Tell.

2011-10-14T22:22:00.004-06:00

I've always had an "Open Door" policy with the girls and some of their friends. I figure it's better for them to have the correct information and have me help them process it than to learn it on the bus or in the halls at school and have it just be completely wrong. This summer I had The Talk with Girl the Second while we were on a family walk. Don't know why but she just started asking some very pointed and specific questions, so I answered them. Most of them. Some of them she was just too young to know about.

She's had a few other questions here and there but, for the most part, seemed ok with her new knowledge. Then the other day she popped off with a question that I knew was coming but hoped wasn't coming any time soon. I hemmed and hawed and delayed for as long as I could and then I found this on my keyboard, a few weeks later:

Yep. That's what it says. What would YOU have said?! I stayed true to my policy and explained things to the best of my knowledge. I would have been concerned about the urgency of this question had I not known the circumstances.

Our across the street neighbors are gay - but not partners. Just roommates. They cross dress and pride week wasn't so long ago. One Sabbath we're all buckling into the car to go to church when out walks three men dressed as women. One of them was a really pretty woman, too! The other two? Eh...not so much. A mustache does NOT go with a studded bra and fishnets (note to you, neighbor guy), and the man that was in full drag minus the wig? Disturbing. Put the wig ON, man!

Anyway - so there's been quite a few questions about what Gay is and why some men dress like women, etc. Hopefully I handled it ok and didn't mess it all up too badly. As it was, I peed myself a bit when I saw the note! (But thought to take a picture for this blog entry. Yay me.)

I think, for me AND Cara, the worst part was when she asked if Daddy and I had ever had 'Oral Sex' and I fumbled a bit pretty much confirming that we had.

*sigh* Another topic for future therapy.

Have you ever....

2011-10-09T16:02:00.002-06:00

Surely I can't be the only person that manages to somehow pee between the toilet seat and bowl, spraying urine all over my legs and jeans?

How in the world does that happen, anyway?

Hee Hee, Hoo Ha and Wee Wee

2011-10-05T13:47:00.001-06:00

I always knew that teaching my kids the anatomically correct words for their private areas was risky. Most of my friends refer to these areas with cutesy names like "Hee Hee", "Hoo Ha" and "Wee Wee". Not me. Nope. I'm all about teaching them the correct names and the correct functions. Makes me a better parent, no? HA!

I've been embarrassed countless times by little ones that like to flaunt their new knowledge around in public areas. Sharing our privates in public. "Mommy, is dat your bagina?" "Mommy, I hab a penith and you hab a bagina, wight?" Dressing rooms and public restrooms are super fun. And heaven forbid the area gets hurt..."Ow! Mom! I hurt my bagina!!!" "OOoooooh....my testercalers!"

But at least they're using it all correctly, right? The terminology, I mean. Well...until today, that is.

My boys like to wrestle and fight because, well, they're boys. They play bad guys and monsters. They are expert at make-believe role play in which they triumph over the offending attacker. Guns! Swords! Shields! Magnetic fields! Today a new monster made an appearance while I was tryign tp pick out a baby shower present at the store. My bored boys were getting a little rowdy and just as I was about to reign them in I hear...

"The giant Vagina Monster is going to EAT YOU!"

*sigh*

"Boys, vaginas are private areas and not monsters. Mostly. Play something else please."

Another fine parenting moment brought to you by the Potters.

I like to use (and overuse) parenthesis. (A lot.).

2011-09-08T12:49:00.005-06:00

As per usual over here at my house, there's drama. Shocking, right? I know.

My youngest, Keaton, has always had gut issues and doesn't sleep. They all kind of came to a head the past couple of weeks and the poor kid was just writhing in pain at night and having 9-11 diarrhea diapers, per day. I've talked to the doctors in the past about his issues - but it was always put down to food intolerances. This time, though, he was losing weight and apparently that (and bloody diapers) are the way to get people to pay attention.

They took a bunch of blood (Hello? Dr. Phil? I'm traumatized. Send help.) and ran a bunch of tests. Results? Mostly favorable. Normal blood work. White count was fine. TSH (thyroid) was fine. No major red flags anywhere. Allergy panel came back clean - but we still think he has Cow's Milk Colitis (aka Dairy Intolerance). Oh, yeah, and he has C. Diff (ugh).

Then this is where things got a little murky. His Immunoglobulin was low. His celiac test came back inconclusive. And one other test that I can't remember was a bit iffy. When I asked what this means the nurse, I kid you not, said, "You know, I don't know!" and just left it at that. No - "Let me find out and call you back!" not even an, "I'll leave the Dr. a note to give you a call." Just an "I don't know ask when you come back on the 14th." thankyouverymuchyouvebeeneversohelpful.

So, now we're on a gluten free diet, as well. No dairy and no gluten...oh, and I'm still soy free. And I'm researching Celiac Disease and I think I'm drowning in information. Separate pans and plates?? Gluten free shampoo and soap??? There's gluten in Black Olives??!!

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

*scream* I am literally sitting here panting. Well, ok, breathing fast. And a little hard. So, yeah...panting. Panic attack, party of heidi - your table is ready!

I know, I know, breathe. In with the good clean sparkly air, out with the black nasty tar air. I'm lightheaded.

So, anyway. Yeah.

Oh - right..on the 14th we go back in. He'll have completed his 10 days of antibiotics for the C. Diff (um, gross, btw) and we'll have been Gluten Free for 2 weeks. Then I guess we add gluten back in to my diet (we're still breastfeeding [I typed bread feeding - HA! I miss bread!]) and see how he reacts. If he does ok we try it in his. If he reacts then..uh..I have no idea. I'm asking for a referral to a specialist. (Hear me, Kim? I'm gonna need a room at Chez Funk!)

But what I don't get..through all of this - if he's on the abx for C. Diff and we're gluten free - then WHY did he have gut pain last night and writhe around in pain while trying to sleep?

I'd ask at my Ped.'s office but, yk, they don't know and stuff.

The end.

Keaton enjoying his Quinoa, tomatoes, black beans and corn for lunch.

Silence

2011-09-01T09:07:00.004-06:00

Sometimes the things you don't say scream louder than the things you do. The truth is found in the silence and the spaces between. A shrug, a sigh, a look thrown in disgust. A chance to say something positive - missed. It's heavy and oppressive, this silence. It's judgmental. It takes up more space than necessary and robs us of our breath. The air is hot and full of electricity - sparking at random and waiting to ignite - looking for a place to land. Like the air before a storm; heavy, fearful, angry, expectant. Waiting to see what the pregnant silence gives birth to.

Be mindful of your words but be ever aware of your silence.

Being Realistic is Optional

2011-08-30T11:46:00.002-06:00

I get Better Homes & Gardens Magazine. Normally, I'm opposed to subscribing to any magazine because I find it to be a waste of money and they just clutter up everything (yes, Kasey, and the environment thing, too.). But, I've cancelled this darned thing 5 times and they keep sending it to me for free! Dunno how to get them to stop sending it.

ANYWAY.

So I'm sitting on the toilet, flipping through the latest issue (Oh, please - act like you don't read your mags on the toilet. Whatever.) when I come across an article from Leah Remini on getting organized for back to school. She gives us some hints and tips and tells us how organized she is for back-to-school. She even calls herself "organization mom".

Can we talk about some of these tips?

Tip #1: She lays out her daughter's clothes the night before. This is a good tip but here's a better one - quit caring what your kid wears and leave it up to them. They look ridiculous but as long as all the bits and parts are covered, then I don't even care. HA!

How about tip #2: Go on a Birthday Blitz. She buys for everyone in her daughter's class at one time. How is this applicable to me? Her disposable income is probably higher than my needed income to survive! And who buys gifts for everyone in the class??? How is this even remotely realistic?!

Reading this article was a bit like reading one called "How to dress like the stars, for less!" And then they tell you to send $300 on ONE friggin outfit! That's not less - ok, technically it's less but really it's not. If my outfit costs more than my grocery budget for one week then it's not practical. Who has $300 to spend on one outfit?? Or an article about how to lose 15 lbs in one month and they tell you to work out 3 times a day. Who the hell has that kind of time???

Oh, right, people that get paid too much. My bad.

Guess what day it is!!!

2011-08-29T11:26:00.003-06:00

Today my kids went back to school. Well, my girls did and the rest of the neighborhood went with them. I know I'm not the only parent to be glad to see their kids go back to school. We take a lot of flack for being happy about it - for wanting our kids to go back but I think it's a GOOD thing.

I love my kids being in school. I love the predictability of my days when they are in school. I love routine and schedules. I love making them breakfast and sending them off to school with their lunch and some prayers. I love greeting them when they come home with a snack and to hear about their days. I love missing them while they are gone. I love looking forward to their return.

Them going to school gives me a chance to miss them, and I sorely need that. So, while they're away today I will work, get my chores done, chase the boys and make some awesome One Fish Two Fish cupcakes. And I can't WAIT to hear how their first days of 5th and 7th grade went.

Oh, and the rest of the neighborhood kids, too.

Helpful Hint From heidi: Third Eye Blind?

2011-08-08T10:19:00.002-06:00

If you get a mosquito bite on your forehead, situated just between and above your eyes, do not scratch it.

Because if you do it will get bigger and redder and eventually bust open and bleed.

And you'll look like some weird creature with 3 eyes, one of them bloody and crusty.

You're welcome.

Say What? So much To Say. Where's the Pinata???

2011-08-06T21:10:00.005-06:00

I don't want this to be a "Why I haven't blogged" post. Snoozefest.

I don't want this to be a "My life has been so difficult lately!" post. Whinefest.

I don't want this to be a "Oh man, so many funny things have happened!" post. Fakehumorfest.

I don't want this to be a "Here's what I've been up to" post. Ramblefest.

So, it's a "Ihaven'tbloggedbecauseI'vebeensobusyandswampedandmy5yearoldcrackedmyribsinhislatestrageandI'mcompletelyoverwhelmedanddrowningbutfunnythingshavehappenedandIdon'tknowhowtoexplainthemtoyou" post.

Ya still with me? Mmkay then.

Honestly? I'm drowning in self pity over here. I'm getting ready to go do a Handwashing Study at the Medical Science building for a hundred bucks so we can buy school supplies. Which, honestly, pretty much sums it all up lately.

Corban has been doing really well lately but last week he had this rage that was Ree-Dick-You-Less.

I picked him up and carried him up the stairs (I know I'm not the only one with bruised appendages from this, right?) to deposit him in his room. When I set him down his foot came up and he kicked me in the ribs right below my right boob. Holy (bad word bad word bad word) hell that hurts. I'm about 99.9% certain he cracked or severely bruised my ribs. I'm not willing to spend the co-pay and out of pocket to go find out since they don't do anything about it.

What's wrong with him, you ask? Well who the hell knows. He was diagnosed with Sensory Processing/Integration Disorder when he was 2 but now there is something more going on. He's violently angry. And they're looking at Bi-Polar and Anxiety. I'm looking at full-body armor and counseling for myself. HA! I kid. Mostly.

He's in OT and Speech and is doing Vision Therapy because apparently his eyes don't track correctly. Some malfunction in his brain. Insurance thinks Vision Therapy is VooDoo or something and they won't cover it. And we're supposed to start seeing a Behavioral Specialist/Child Psychologist, too. (Keaton is still in PT for Congenital Tortecollis, too.) No wonder people lose their houses trying to make sure their kids get the therapies they need. Who the bloody hell can afford all this shit? Huh? I work two jobs. Rob works two jobs. We have good insurance. You know what? We're out of Flex money already. We're Tapped. Out. How the eff are we supposed to pay for all the things Corban needs and the other kids, too? We don't qualify for assistance or Early Intervention. He's not delayed enough for the other assistance. He doesn't have the right diagnosis for the assistance for kids on the spectrum. I want to just give up and say the hell with it. But, yk, I don't ACTUALLY want to do that. I'm just tired and frustrated.

Oh look, this is a self-pity party with a woe-is-me accent. Who is the party planner?? Damnit - you're fired. Where the hell is the pinata??

I haven't blogged purely because I have nothing positive to say. I'm a whiner right now. Oh, I know. Thank you. I know it's ok to whine. I just hate it. I'd rather wine. and Dine. sometimes even sixty..what? Oh, right...not appropriate. Ok.

Sienna is going into 7th Grade. 7th Grade. Jr. High sucks, people.

Cara is in 5th this year. She's nervous. And SO dramatic. Good Lord. She belongs on TV.

Corban..well, he's...angry. No, I don't know why. Maybe you can tell me?

Brennan is 3 and currently grounded from his Super Hero Underwear for peeing on the floor. WTF?? Dude PT'd himself and now he's peeing on the floor? Damnit. Get a grip! Preferable a grip that aims at the water in the toilet bowl, yo.

Keaton is 10 months and crawling like a maniac. He climbed 5 stairs this morning and is cruising the furniture, He says Bye and Da-Da. He's in PT once a week and doing great.

Rob? Working his ASS off for pittance and that's about all I can say just in case someone from his work reads this.

Pity Party in full affect, yo. So instead of blogging I watch TV. Like Project Runway, 24 Hour Restaurant Challenge, The Great Food Truck Race, Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef. Oh, and White Collar (yum). I watch those while I nurse and rock 'Sir Never Sleeps' aka Keaton.

"I say my hell is the closet I'm stuck inside....and my Heaven is a nice house in the sky. Got central heating and I'm all right. Can't see the light. Keep it locked up inside, don't talk about it...talk about the weather. Can't see the light. Open up my head and let me out..."

Some times..I find it's easy to be myself. Some times I find it's better to be somebody else.

Or my other theme song as of lately...

Word.

Peace Out.

Breathless

2011-07-15T20:52:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I go days, even weeks, without thinking about him.

Sometimes I am nostalgic and I think about when he was here, and it chokes me up.

Sometimes I have to answer questions about him and I feel defensive.

Sometimes I look at pictures of him and wish he was with me, again.

Sometimes I forget that he's not in my life anymore.

Sometimes, like tonight, I see an interaction somewhere between a brother and a sister and it hits me like a knife slicing into a thick heavy scar, that he is not mine anymore. And I can't breathe. Just for a moment, I hold my breath, and wish that I could hear him laugh and hug him again.

A Sign of Things to Come?

2011-07-11T07:14:00.001-06:00

I was making Corban's bed the other day, when I found this hidden under his pillow..

...notice what is INSIDE the view finder?

Is this a sign of things to come?!

(Yes, this is a rerun. I got hit so bad with spam comments last night that the easiest way to get rid of them was to just delete the post and start over. Morons.)

Are you deaf or stupid? And a helpful hint. Yay you!

2011-07-06T13:04:00.003-06:00

At the Walmart pharmacy yesterday, standing in the forever line to pick up RXs called in the day before and earlier in the morning. I get to the front of the line and tell the people what I need. She says, "They're working on filling it now - come back in 20 minutes." Fine, whatever. I have 6 kids with me - we'll work it out. 20 Minutes later I've left the 12 year old at McD's with the 3 yo, the 4 yo and ice cream cones. The 10 yo and 8 yo are in the fun room. The 9 mo old is fussing in the cart. I wait for 12 minutes and get to the front of the line. Tell them my name. She says, "We have 1 of your prescriptions but we can't fill the other because we're out. We've ordered more and it will be here on Thursday."

Uhm..what? Did you NOT just tell me you were filling it it and it would be ready in 20 minutes?? WTF happened between then and now??

I say, "That? Will NOT work for me." Then I just stare at her. Because, really? I'm OUT of patience.

She says, "Let me have you talk to the pharmacist and we'll see what he can do."

Why? Is there a super secret allergy eye drop stash somewhere and only irate mothers can have access to it? Do you think you might find some somewhere else in the pharmacy and miraculously fill my prescription? WTH is this pharmacist gonna do? Use a spell and make some on the spot?

I smile and say Thank you.

The pharmacist hands me the RX I've been taking since I was 12 and explains it to me.

Really? I take one a day every day? Are you sure? Good thing you told me that I might have messed it up.

I say, "I have a prescription for Pataday that you can not fill until Thursday. I need the RX transferred to another pharmacy because I can't wait 2 more days for this."

He says, "Well, I can try to get it in tomorrow but I don't know if it'd get here."

Then don't tell me you can get it here tomorrow. Don't set me up like that. Just say I can't get it til Thursday and stick to it.

I say, "He can not wait 2 more days for this prescription. He needed it TODAY."

He says, "Well, I guess you can call around and have it transferred then - or you could wait until Thursday."

Are you deaf or stupid?

That's pretty much how my week's been shaping up - how about yours?

Oh, yeah, and here's a little Helpful Hint from heidi: Don't run down the stairs in flip flops or you will tumble ass over end, after slamming into the wall, to the bottom. It will knock the air out of you and you will have to go to the Dr. Here you will learn that you've broken nothing and caused no lasting damage but have bruised quite a bit and pulled some muscles. But thanks for your $20 co-pay.

Again, You're Welcome.

Letter From Camp

2011-07-03T10:42:00.003-06:00

My girls have been away all week at camp. This is Sienna's 3rd year - so it's old hat to her. But it's Cara's first year. And it's her first time being away from me for more than 2 days in a row. I've been nervously anticipating her report when she gets back because she tends to be a bit of a negative nelly. I have a rule for her - she has to tell me 3 positive things before she can start telling me all the bad stuff.

Knowing her like I do, I slipped a card into her bag so she'd find it when she got to camp. I traded out her pillowcase with mine so she could have that comfort. And I started mailing cards and letters and sent a few emails just so she would have that. Now, Sienna NEVER wrote me from camp. Ever. Sienna is the kid that RUNS to the activity and never looks back. She's an "in the moment" kind of kid. So when I got a letter from Cara, I was a bit surprised.

I'm saving this letter to show her when she's a grown up. It's classic Cara. Totally over dramatic. I was laughing reading it, and then I felt sad for her because..well..here, you read it:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The First Day

Dear familly, and friend's,

I took a swimming test. I endid up ulmost drowning. this is how it went down.

I jumped in and tried to swim but it was pulling me under. and I couldnt breeth. Good thing there was wome wone (like a lifeguard), kayaking I climbed on it and took a breath, I lived.

and it got worse Kendra and her cabinmates stole my towel and wouldnt give it back to me :-(

You where wrong
it was a bad
first day

(on back)

Day 2

I retook the test!

and I did classis

but kayaking was full and so I had to do build a computer. :-(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it. The end. She ulmost Drowned! But she took a breath and she lived!!! HA! Classic.

I can't wait to see my girlies when they get home!!!

Oh look, heidi's being judgmental again.

2011-07-01T12:04:00.006-06:00

I was standing in line at the grocery store today, when a magazine cover caught my eye.

Really? I'm sure it was rough being beautiful. She lost 10 lbs for the wedding, too. Good thing - she was such a fat cow. Psh.

(Ok, I'm adding this after I wrote the whole post. I just looked at the magazine cover again and apparently she's been ridiculed for being flat chested and called ugly. That's not nice. It had to hurt - and then to be called those things on national TV? That hurts AND is embarassing. But Tortured? Nay Nay. Women in other countries that are routinely mutilated because of their looks and gender - THAT'S tortured.)

This has been a theme I've seen lately. There was a contestant on The Voice that was all "I'm tired of just being the pretty girl." Another show I watched had this girl blubbering about how people gave her more attention because she was beautiful. She got seated at restaurants faster; she received better service; she got free crap. Boo freakin' hoo. We should all have those struggles.

I find the whole "I was just another pretty face" outcry, ridiculous. I think it's just another limb on the tree of vanity. Because if you're not getting enough attention being pretty and you feel like you need to complain about being pretty? Then you really are a sad, sad case.

Have you heard that song by Keri Hilson, Pretty Girl Rock? I hate that song. I really, really hate it. Whenever someone says something asinine like, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." Or "Don't hate what you ain't.", I see bright flashes of white lights in my brains.

Sweetheart, I don't hate you because you're beautiful. I hate you because you're a vain, stuck up, vapid piece of filth that relies on her looks far too much. I hate you because you're ugly on the inside.

But seriously? If you have to go around bitching about how gorgeous you are and how you've been treated differently your whole life because of it? Then you need a reality check.

(Wonder if someone will say, "Only ugly girls make posts like this.")

It's not you, it's me. And it's kind of you. But mostly it's me.

2011-06-30T09:28:00.004-06:00

I often struggle with blogging. Not with the writing aspect - I have all these posts that I would LOVE to write - but with the social aspect of it all. When I post and you all faithfully make comments it just makes this girl so happy! I have been overwhelmed so many times by the support I get from people I don't even really know; or by the friendships I've made through blogging. The problem comes with the pressure I put on myself.

I feel like I have to make a connection with each and every one of you. Like I need to come to your place and leave multiple thoughtful comments. I should reply to your comments so that you know I read and appreciated them. The social aspect of blogging is dragging me down. Add Facebook and Twitter to that and I'm just completely useless.

There simply is not enough time in the day for me to go out and comment on all the blogs I want to or reciprocate comments on the new followers here. I follow hundreds of blogs and I read about 10 on any sort of "regular" basis. I've tried having a separate folder/reader for the blogs I want to read regularly but I just feel so guilty. The emotional investment that I want to put into this "virtual relationship" you and I have is just too steep for me right now. It's not you, it's me. And it's kind of you. But mostly it's me.

How do you do it? How do you get all the comments and reply to them thoughtfully? How do you read other blogs? How is it that you can comment on EVERY post I make, faithfully, even though I only say boo to you once every couple of months?

Obviously I put too much pressure on myself. I've tried to say the hell with it and just post and not worry about reciprocating or making blog rounds but I just shut down. There's no posting OR commenting going on at that point. So I continue to sit here and stew in the guilt of not being a good blog friend.

The kicker? I know that there are going to be a whole bunch of you that say, "Hey! Don't even worry about it! We all get busy!" or "We still love you, heidi." and that just makes me feel even MORE guilty for not being better at this blog networking garbage.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. Verbal vomit and what have you.

I DO appreciate each and every one of you that reads and comments and emails me. I really, really do. I just suck at showing it. And one more thanks...

Perspective

2011-06-27T11:08:00.004-06:00

My past few posts have been pretty full of whining and complaining. I haven't had the best of time the last couple of weeks - but I have to tell you that my week is NOTHING compared to what my friend Chelsea is going through. Nothing.

As I write this, her barely 1 year old son, Brayden, is in surgery. Brayden was diagnosed with Congenital Heart Disease with 2 different congenital defects. One is in his aorta, and the other is his mitral valve. He is a very sick little boy.

As I held Keaton this morning, I just couldn't imagine going through all that Chelsea and Brayden are going through. Facing the obstacles that they are facing. I may whine and complain and feel overwhelmed with all of the garbage going on in my life, but I have to remember that someone else always has it rougher than I do.

Please pray for Brayden and Chelsea. If you're not the praying type - then send them some positive thoughts, please.

If you want to follow up on Brayden, here is his blog: Brayden's Journey.

If you want to read more, here's an article that was in the local paper: Snow Lakers Help One of Their Own

If you want to spread the word, I made this (I have no SKILLS, yo. If someone with skills wants to fix it up, go for it.):

Over here, we're praying for the best possible outcome from this surgery and all the ones to come.

Helpful Hints - The Shitty Edition

2011-06-26T14:07:00.004-06:00

To say I had a shitty week would be an understatement. By Wednesday I'd pretty much had enough but the week was not through with me yet. Oh, no...no no no....not yet. I'll just give you some highlights:

Thursday night I was upstairs folding some laundry and I left the baby downstairs with all the other people that live here. I said, "Watch the baby, I'm going up to fold some towels." Mistake #1 - I got no confirmation from ANYONE that anyone heard what I had said. Mistake #2 - I assumed that they were listening and would comply with my request. Mistake #3 - I left the job to other people.

I come walking down the stairs about 10 minutes later and I can already smell it. I look over at the baby and I see this red/orange/brown goop everywhere and instantly I know he's had a blow out. I yell, "Holy shit!" (Funny, no?) And everyone instantly perks up "What? What happened? What's going on?!" Oh, NOW you wanna know? Psh. I run over to scoop K up and realize that he had this blowout about 5-10 minutes ago. There is sweet potato poop everywhere. Since no one was paying attention to the little guy he proceeded to crawl through the living room - thus dragging his poop with him - and then back through it again. It was on his legs, his arms, his chest....it was all over his toys, the carpet...UGH! *gag* So much fun.

Hint? Don't ask anyone in my house to watch your baby.

Friday woke me up with a shitty attitude. (Poop pun intended.) It only got worse when I discovered the 3 year old, Beetle, in the bathroom covered in...yep, you guessed it - poop. It was on the wall, on the toilet, all over the floor. On his legs, his stomach, his hands. *SCREAM* Are you EFFING kidding me?!? That was a blast to clean up. Craptastic.

Hint? Do not assume your preschooler is smart enough to not play in his own feces.

We were supposed to head out of town this weekend with the family. Our big vacation was cancelled for financial reasons, so we planned to take some smaller trips. Thursday night we refigured our finances and discovered that we aren't even going to be able to do all of the mini trips we'd planned. Telling the kids was fun. Or not. Anyway - we decided to go ahead and still do this day trip, so on Friday Rob rook the Suburban in for an alignment. They didn't do the alignment. Wanna know why? I'll assume you do if you're still reading. Because all FOUR ball joints are bad. Guess how much THAT costs to fix?? NINE FREAKING HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Yeah. $900.

Rob and his dad went and bought the parts and some special tool for closer to $300 and are trying to fix it themselves, today. It's not going well. So, we had to cancel our trip and stay home. Oh - we still had fun at the park and pool and we dragged out the fire pit and cooked out last night - but still...we were looking forward to the trip.

Hint? There is no hint here, I just wanted to whine.

Things I Learned Today

2011-06-22T15:40:00.004-06:00

If no one tells you they changed your appointment, you'll not show up for it.

It is mortifying when your son tries to kick his pregnant Occupational Therapist and tells her how stupid she is - even though she knew what she was walking into.

My 3 year old spins in a circle like a sprinkler when he starts peeing in his pants.

My FIL does not know what to do when the 3 year old pees his pants.

The carpets need cleaned. (See above.)

I am physically unable to be two places at once so I should not schedule myself that way.

Not sleeping makes me clumsy. (Ouch, THAT'S gonna bruise.) (Yes, I peed on a stick. No, I'm not knocked up.)

No matter how hard I try and work it out, I can NOT fit 8 kids in my car. (3 in the back, 3 in the middle and the oldest up front.)

Business and places like PUBLIC POOLS need to update their websites if they reschedule their opening date so moms don't blindly drop their children off to swim for a few hours while they are at the Dr. with the younger siblings.

There's never anyone around when you need someone to be around NOW. (But the other day we had a whole slew of people "drop in".)

Holding down your 9 month old for blood work makes you want to drink. (Not yet, not yet..hang on...only a couple more hours to go.)

Geographical tongue is a real disease. Weird.

Idiots are going to turn when they wanna turn, regardless of whether or not it's their turn.

If you turn too hard the soda cup will fall over and spill all over your 12 year old daughter who will gasp and leap and scream at you. (Psh. She HAD just hit me in the face with her straw wrapper. That'll teach her.)

Similarly - if you don't put your water bottle in the cup holder, it will fall and dump all over everything.

Your husband will not remember promising to call you back when you want him to.

The air conditioning in my Suburban does NOT work.

Wind and kids with sensory processing disorder do not mix.

It's hot in the car when you can't roll down the windows very far and the air conditioning doesn't work.

Taking 5 children, 8 and under, to Wal-Mart is something they do to break hardened criminals.

Even if it's not personal and he doesn't mean to do it, it hurts when your son verbally attacks you.

Also, it hurts and makes you want to lash back out when he gets physical.

And this just in.....the day's not over yet!

Later I hope to learn that Vodka and Lemonade are refreshing.

The Kind of Wife I Really Am

2011-06-17T15:49:00.004-06:00

I make him breakfast if he asks. I make his lunch, every day - and it's not frozen dinners. I cook meals that he likes. I keep the house clean and I tend to the kids 95% of the time. I do all the chores except the odd job I throw his way - like cleaning the bathtub and doing the recycling. I let him go out and take pictures when he wants. I let him go to his geeky computer club meetings. I let him go watch a few games down at Buffalo Wild Wings. I even put out more than the average wife.

But, really? THIS is the kind of wife I am.

I posted this picture on my FB and now I'm posting it here. It's not a flattering pic of Rob - his eyes are closed. But? It's a GREAT pic of me and that's what's important, right?

Eh, we've been married for 15 years (as of Wednesday!). He is well aware of what kind of wife I am.

This is How We Do It

2011-06-14T20:44:00.003-06:00

Not Howie. How We. But I know you sang that.

See this? I took this picture on 6/10:

It's our calendar. Nothing different than normal, right? Dates, activities, events, blah blah blah.

Except look closer. Look. Just LOOK at what my 12 year old wrote on the calendar.

Some things are so monumental they just beg to be written down on the calendar for all to see.

The EYES Have It

2011-06-08T15:00:00.000-06:00

At a graduation and I sit down in my seat. This is what I see, staring back at me...

Someone should tell her it isn't polite to stare.

Wonder what would happen if I poked her in the eye.

When she wakes up in the morning does she think, "I can't see, I can't see!" until she rolls over?

Does she tell her kids, "I've got my eyes on you!" when she's doing the dishes?

What about if she's having sex, um..yk..in a position that would require her back to be the part her partner sees. Wouldn't that be kind of creepy? Or maybe he feels like he got a deal - two, two, two lays in one!

When she says, look me in the eye - do you have to run around her in circles?

If she doesn't see eye to eye with someone, can she just turn the other cheek???

Ok..I'm done.

Uh..wait...

Can we call her 4 eyes?

NOW I'm done.

#Fail

2011-06-07T15:04:00.004-06:00

Things have been going along famously over here in the S&P house. Everything is dandy and wonderful and nothing has gone wrong. Not one single thing. There have been no #Fail moments, at all.

Well, except these:

Fail #1:

I bought this adorable, lightweight (see through) little cowl-ish neck sweater for myself. (I'm so fashion forward, aren't I? HA!) And I wore it. Three times. I wear a cream colored cami underneath and it covers all the bits and parts. Or, so I thought. At CHURCH the other day, Sis points out that she can see my bra through the back. I'm like - oh, well cover it and she's like, "Uh, mom? There' s no covering that thing." I'm talking, of course, about my big ass nursing bra. The cami? Hits right BELOW the bottom seam of the bra. So the big bra sticls out COMPLETELY and everyone at church has seen this. THREE TIMES. WHy did no one mention this before???

Sexy, no?

Fail #2:

See this kid? Oh, he *is* a handful. I'm not kidding. The one that gets yelled at the most? Beetle. The one that I chase the most? Beetle. The one that INFURIATES me consistently? Yep. Beetle. And the one that gives the best hugs? Beetle.

So the other day Rob & I are in the house and the kids are playing outside. Corbs comes in giggling and tells daddy he better come outside. I'm nursing the baby and Rob hollers from outside, "Babe - I think you need to come see this!". I'm irritated but I go. Know what I saw when I got out there?

Beetle, naked as the day he was born, playing cars in front of the garage.

ALERT! Two-part FAIL! We failed to snap a picture for posterity (and blogging!).

Fail #3:

Beetle is potty trained now - YAY! Well, he has been for awhile but whatever. *I'M* still celebrating that I don't have to change toddler poop. *gag* So, anyway. Beetle goes potty on his own. And pulls his own pants up.

Mostly.

Eh, there's more but why bother? I still have to go make 2 more pans of brownies (I already made 1 pan and 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies), 2 loaves of bread, organize my coupons, fold some laundry...blah blah blah.

Ring Ring
Me: Hello?
person: Hey heidi - what're you doing?
Me: Putting my head in the oven. I can't keep up with all this crap!
Person: You do know your oven is electric, right?
Me: Oh. Well. Shit.

Another Fail.

“Oh, for the love of cheese and pantyliners!”

2011-06-02T10:02:00.005-06:00

I won an award! And it's really my kind of award, too. I don't have to do anything. No lists to make, no one to pass it on to.

"This badge will be awarded, by The Dysfunctional Supermom directly to those bloggers who are truly bladder-inspiring: those writers who gift us with the rare (or not so) opportunity to piss ourselves with a simple tale.

The ability to share a tale, laced with humor, is truly a gift…one that should be celebrated. And to pop the cherry on this bad boy…I’m gifting it to the following bloggers who’ve inspired me to laugh until a change was needed (a literal pantyliner change, y’all)."

Well, HA!, I accept! I do. I'd like to thank those that nominated me. And I'd like to thank those that peed themselves because of me. Just don't pee on me, please.

I don't feel like I belong in the category with the other people that received the award. These woman...HA...they are truly funny! Me? I'm just an idiot that has a blog and doesn't mind telling you about the moronic things I do.

But, I accept and am honored to be in such company. I hope I make you all piddle in your panties a little from time to time.

Down Where?!

2011-06-01T13:47:00.004-06:00

I knew it would happen. I mean, it's inevitable. Everything changes and grows. Everything gets older. "To everything, (turn turn turn), There is a season (turn, turn, turn)"...Including people.

No, this isn't a post about how old my kid is.

This, my friends, is a post about something else ENTIRELY.

It's a scary post.

One mid-afternoon an innocent, unsuspecting lady came upon a scene unlike any other she'd witnessed before. She stared in shock and horror and her screams could be heard throughout the land. She recoiled and double checked. Triple checked. No, her eyes were not deceiving her...it was true! This terrible, terrible thing was TRUE!

She had grey pubic hair. *scream*

Listen, I was ok with the grey on the top of my head. That's been there for awhile, it's old news. But when I saw that grey pubic hair? Forget about it. That's something only OLD people have, right? (Don't even say it. I'm still closer to 35 than 40.)

Grey pubic hair...grumble grumble grumble.

Edit: Oh, hell no! I just googled "dying pubic hair" - uh, not because I'm going to or anything, I was just curious - honest! Guess what? You can dye your hair "down there". There ain't nuthin they ain't thought of, is there?

Feeling UnFunny

2011-05-25T11:33:00.002-06:00

I know you come here to laugh. Me too. But I've just been feeling so unfunny lately. I'm exhausted and can only make lists. And speak in short, choppy sentences. These things exhaust me:

1 - picking up wet towels and clothes off my 9 & 12 year old's bedroom CARPET day after day. They're missing the "put things away" gene (perhaps they are secretely male? They can't ever FIND anything either).
2 - sleeping sitting up on the couch or rocker holding the baby who won't sleep unless we do it that way. He's laying down either way so I'm not sure why MY positioning matters.
3 - cleaning up "accidents" from Brennan. Yesterday he peed in his hair and on the ceiling. Yes, the ceiling. He pointed his penis the wrong way, he says.
4 - Keaton's therapy. He has to wear a blocking collar now and he hates it. I hope he doesn't get into S & M when he's older. I'm not sure why all of the children in the pictures I found of that collar are so damned happy. Keaton is most definitely NOT happy when it's on.
5 - Corban is going back to Occupational Therapy and has to go in for another evaluation for an "official diagnosis" other than SPD. He has to do this before he is 5 and no longer falls under the early intervention heading. He turns 5 July 7th. The place we were referred is booked through June. People should really work harder to accommodate my needs.
6 - Cara's birthday is in 2 weeks and I have nothing planned and no invitations ready for any party. Must not let her down, again, like when I forgot to bring snack to girl scouts or forgot to take her to the Fly-Up ceremony two weeks ago.
7 - End of year concerts blow. Yeah, I know - weepy weepy sad. Whatever. I hate sitting through those things. Dragging the three boys to sit through them with me? #canigetasupersizedvaliumtogoplease
8 - how much laundry can one family generate? Why is every towel in the house dirty right now? Is it completely necessary to change clothes EVERY day?
9 - it's time to make the monthly menu. How about it looks like this: Mac n cheese, hot dogs, sandwiches, cereal, take out, leftovers, repeat. Good, no?
10 - children fighting and arguing. "He touched me she touched me she spit on me he smacked me she took my hoody without asking he stole my guy he won't give me my car back she won't stop looking at me Mom! he's copying me Mom! she is chewing too loudly." Oh! I know! How about SHUT UP!

I think my supermom tool belt is broken. Send replacement soon.

P.S. If you could develop a stealth mode shield for me, I'd be grateful.

7 Things You Shouldn't Do While Drinking #wineparty

2011-05-23T21:13:00.008-06:00

I feel it's important to impart this wisdom to you. Obviously this is not from personal experience by any means. I just heard about this from a friend of a friend. Honest.

1. Drive. Anything. This is the only serious thing. Remember this:

"I will not, should not, can not drive a car
or truck home from the bar.
I will not, should not, can not get on a Harley
because if I wreck it will be gnarly.
I will not, should not, can not ride a bike
or skateboard or, yk, probably even a trike.
I will not, should not, can not even talk
Here's my keys, can you help me walk? (I'll show you my boobs if you do!)"

2. Facebook.

The next morning you frantically look through your "Previous Activity" and hope to God that you didn't make an ass of yourself. What did you comment on? Did you say "Shake my ass" on the wall of a minor kid you know? Did you send a message to an old friend and sob while you apologized for a transgression that only YOU remember? How many people commented on your status update that read, "Who wants to see my boobs?!?!?"

3. Text.

Anyone. Just, don't. Of course, if you're lucky your texts will look like this, "Iuj hyyuk wllo annit!!! HA! LOL!!!" Because your fat, drunk fingers can't manvuer around the tiny keyboard. But generally there's some text the next morning, as you scroll through your messages, that says, "Woooohoooo!! I'm showin' off my boobs!!! Come down to the bar and see them!!!"

We interrupt this list to bring you a note from our sponsors. This post has been brought to you by heidi while she was sipping on the following..

4. Call Anyone.

No one needs to talk to you. There are no amends to be made. I promise. There is nothing you need to say right this second that can't wait until tomorrow while you're laying in bed wishing you were dead. If you still want to say it then, call. But calling someone to say, "Damn, I miss you. I'm so sorry we broke up..I wish you could be here right now. Remember my boobs? They're awesome, right? Wooooo! I'm flashing you right now! Pretend you can see!!!"

5. Tweet.

#wineparty sounds like fun, right? A bunch of people sitting around, tweeting and drinking - oh, it doesn't have to be wine - that's just the hashtag for fun. Like: Press 1 if you're sober. Press 2 if you're smoking medical mary jane. Press #wineparty to tweet things you'll wish you could take back the next day. Nothing like waking up slowly the next morning and wondering..Oh. My. Gosh. Did I say that? DID I TWEET THAT? Ohmygosh ohmygosh...who saw it? Can I delete it? ohmygosh ohmygosh! Chances are? It's already been retweeted and you, my friend, are infamous.

6. Email

Similar thread here. Don't call, don't text, don't email. It's permanent. You can't undo it. And you'll say stupid stuff like, "I really hope you can forgive me for what I did when we were in high school! It was so terrible the way we treated you and said "Hallo" to you because you had really bad breath. It was our own private joke about your halitosis. I'm really sorry about that. Remember that time we showed those guys on State Street our boobs?? Woooooo! That was fun!!! I'm sorry I insulted your boobs and said they were weird and misshapen. Mine are now, if that makes you feel any better."

7. Blog.

You never know what you're going to say when you're drinking. That 1 glass of wine turns in to 3 and then suddenly you're saying things that you are forever engraving in everyone's minds. For.Ev.Er. Then suddenly you're talking about showing people your boobs and how weird and misshapen your boobs are after nursing 5 kids. It becomes uncomfortable and you should never, ever blog while.......

What Happens In Vegas....

2011-05-21T22:17:00.005-06:00

...I have no idea how to finish that sentence because I've never BEEN to Vegas. Wait. That's a lie. I went when I was 12. So it doesn't really count, does it? I couldn't drink or play the slots. I went to Wendover when I was 19 pretending to be 21 with a fake ID. That's ALMOST enough...but not quite.

I suppose you'd like me to get to the point? Ok then.

I want to go to Vegas. I want to renew my vows with a super handsome guy that I've been married to for 15 years this June. I want to go meet some fun people I've met via twitter and blogger. And? I really just want a vacation.

Alas, we can not afford one...so I'm seeking corporate sponsorship. Yeah, I'll wear a shirt or hand out samples or, yk, something...no tattoos...that's weird....and forever. But here's what I was thinking...

Dear K-Y -

I know I've posted some less than positive reviews of your K-Y Intense (link to my review. Hilarity ensues.) and K-Y His & Hers (Oh! Look! More hilarity at my expense.) but I need to let you know something rather important.

I've had 5 kids. After having 5 kids I can say with some certainty that sex after childbirth is scarier than a bowel movement after childbirth. And it's never as fun for the woman as it is the man. The sex, not the bowel movement. I have no idea if that's fun for men or not. Uh, I don't really WANT to know, ok?

I digress.

So, after 5 kids I have come to appreciate the help that K-Y has given to my marriage over the years. I've been having kids for 12 years..that's a long time! And in that 12 years I have only ever used 1 brand of lubricant...K-Y. Yes, that's right...K-Y is a part of our first sexual encounter after having kids. It's a dry down there, folks. It's scary and dark and...dry. Desert-like. So, yeah, the K-Y comes in SUPER handy. We continue to use K-Y for many months afterwards. Specifically the K-Y SILK-E.

So here's my thought process.....I've used a lot of K-Y over the years. Dumped in some GOOD money on these products. Maybe K-Y would like to make me a brand SpokesModel? (I was gonna say spokesperson but I think Model makes me sound prettier.) People in Vegas need lube. No, they do. Because everyone knows that when you go to Vegas you get laid. It's not just "hotel sex" it's "VEGAS hotel sex". That's good for more than 1 round thus the need for K-Y. I could be the ambassador! Helping out the people of Vegas and handing out samples of K-Y. Seriously, You just need to cover airfare and hotel. We'll do the rest (yk, meals, shows....drinks...LOL).

So..whadya think, K-Y? Can we talk?

Love,
The desert formerly known as heidi

Birthday Shopping

2011-05-17T08:41:00.003-06:00

It's birthday season here at our house. I've got two in June, one in July and one in September that I need to address, and QUICKLY! If I can do my shopping online, then that's even better!

Browsing around I came across an online store with great developmental toys. I've ordered from this store before when I got a really cool Melissa & Doug puzzle for Corban, so I know they're great to work with.

They've got a great selection of educational kid's toys that I can use to work with Corban on his fine motor skills. Plus? They just have some cool toys - like this Rocket Ship. I think Corban would die if he opened that on his birthday!

I love that they have the toys separated by sex, age and stage. It's easy to find the perfect toddler toy for Brennan and an fun baby toy for Keaton. It's pretty much one stop shopping for me over here! Love that. The toys that I've ordered from this company have always been high quality toys from companies I know I can count on to produce quality products.

I don't know for sure what I'm getting for them yet, other than this Mysteries of the Deep set that's already in my cart. Corbs is all about the sharks and whales these days!

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I was compensated for this review. However, I don't do random reviews - I only review companies I've worked with and trust.

Seriously Irritating List

2011-05-16T08:31:00.005-06:00

OK, listen (can you hear me, now?) I have some thoughts I need to share with you. Some things that are irritating me and that I need to get off my chest. Pay attention, grasshoppers.

#1: Did you watch the Survivor Finale last night? Why are these people always so shocked and dismayed that the winner lied to them? Give me a flipping break! This was the 22nd season - have they not SEEN the other seasons? Do they not KNOW how to play this game?? "You lied to me! How could you?!" Come on, now - I admire that you want to get through the game without lying - and it may be possible - but it's never been done. Ever. People go on Survivor to win a million dollars - generally they're willing to do and say whatever it takes to get to the end. So why is it, that every season, there are people at the end crying and pissing and moaning about dishonesty?

#2: Not everything needs an 'S' on the end. For instance - It's Costco...not Costcos. It's WalMart - not Walmarts. McDonalds? Famous Daves? Applebees? Yes - there's an 'S' on the end. SO annoying.

#3: SupposEDly. Not SupposUBly.

#4: Dear Old Navy: Stop sending me coupons and discounts to be used "In Store Only". You pulled your store the hell out of here, remember? You can just go screw yourself. I'm waiting for Kohl's to finish being built.

#5: Your daughter is a brat. There, I said it. (Oh, not you..or you..no, you don't know her...I just needed to say it.)

#6: Quit piling crap on my desk. I have enough of my own crap - I don't need yours, too.

#7: Yeah, I said I wanted plastic not paper. Yes, I own my own grocery bags - I just forgot them. I need the plastic ones to line my trashcans at home. Leave me alone.

#8: Please stop coming to my house and farting on my couch. I know you're doing it - I hear you. It's gross and now whenever I sit there that's all I can think about and wonder if that smell that lingers is your fart. *gag*

#9: The next time you imply that my daughter is "bulking up" I will punch you in the face and stomp on your throat. She weighs less than most kids in her class and happens to fall right on the 50% line. That's average. Yes, she's bigger than her sister - her sister that isn't even ON the charts, btw. Oh, and? You're ugly.

#10: Please stop talking to me.

*Phew* Glad I could get that off my chest.

Happy Monday.

Stream of Conciousness

2011-05-15T08:26:00.004-06:00

I love the idea of this Stream of Conciousness post but every time I sit down here to write, the only thing I can think about is laundry and grocery lists and potty schedules and stuff that is kid related. How boring is that? I want to be interesting and deep. I was staring at the screen trying to think about what to write and I went to read some other SOC posts. Fadra's struck me incredibly today and from there I read a few more posts which further convuluted my thoughts.

So I came back to stare at the screen. I still have nothing. Is my life boring? It's probably quite pedantic to some people. 5 kids, 2 jobs, 1 husband and countless neighbor kids that come and go. I don't think it's boring though. I think it's right where I always didn't know I wanted it to be. Does that make sense? I don't like the cleaning part, but the rest of it? I love. I love being so busy with all these kids. I love being a wife. I love making breakfast for the family and meeting them at the door after school with a homemade snack. I don't want to be June Cleaver or Donna Reed - I'd have to completely self-medicate to get through that madness, but I am happy with where I'm at right now.

Though I'd really like a fenced yard and a maid. And maybe to win the lottery. Yeah, definitely to win the lottery.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post here.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Chocolate Dipped Marshmallow Pops and Fresh Strawberry Cupcakes

2011-05-13T22:29:00.006-06:00

Freakin' blogger ate this post. I'm posting it again.

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You get two recipes this week, since I neglected last week. Remember? I'm Bringin' the After School Snack Back, yo. ;-)

I was browsing through cooking blogs when a picture popped up on the screen. Cara said, "Mom! You HAVE to make those! PLEASE!!" So, I did.

They were really easy but a bit more expensive than I like normal snack to be so these are now "special" snacks. What makes them so expensive are the lollipop sticks. If you have suggestions - I'd love to hear them!

How do you make them? You put the marshmallow on a lollipop stick. You dip the marshmallow in melted chocolate. You roll the dipped marshmallow in sprinkles or nuts or crushed cookies. Let it sit for about 10 minutes on wax paper. Eat.

How's THAT for easy?!

Want more reassurance?

http://frogprincepaperie.com/2010/05/chocolate-candy-dipped-marshmallows-pops-on-a-stick-diy-tutorial-and-how-to.html

http://brandysbaking.blogspot.com/2011/03/marshmallow-pops.html

Git R Done

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This recipe was one of the more time consuming ones, but worth it!! I don't have a food processor or stand mixer so I improvised by mashing the strawberries (I used fresh) with a potato masher then putting them in the blender to puree. I used a hand mixer in place of the stand mixer. According to Rob and the kids, these were really yummy. They're full of things I can't have so I didn't taste them. ;-) Also, this recipe made me 14 cupcakes and enough frosting that I could make ANOTHER dozen and frost them, too. And, hey? Since this uses fresh strawberries you can count it as one of your fruit servings for the day. Ha!

Strawberry Cupcakes

Servings: Makes 1 dozen

Ingredients

2/3 cup fresh or frozen whole strawberries (thawed if frozen)
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour , sifted
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. coarse salt
1/4 cup whole milk , room temperature
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter , room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 large egg , room temperature
2 large egg whites , room temperature

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with cupcake liners; set aside.

Place strawberries in a small food processor; process until pureed. You should have about 1/3 cup of puree. Add a few more strawberries if necessary, or save any extra puree for frosting; set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder and salt; set aside. In a small bowl, mix together milk, vanilla and strawberry puree; set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter on medium-high speed, until light and fluffy. Gradually add sugar and continue to beat until well combined and fluffy. Reduce the mixer speed to medium and slowly add egg and egg whites until just blended.

With the mixer on low, slowly add half the flour mixture; mix until just blended. Add the milk mixture; mix until just blended. Slowly add remaining flour mixture, scraping down sides of the bowl with a spatula, as necessary, until just blended.

Divide batter evenly among prepared muffin cups. Transfer muffin tin to oven and bake until tops are just dry to the touch, 22 to 25 minutes. Transfer muffin tin to a wire rack and let cupcakes cool completely in tin before icing.

Strawberry Frosting

Servings: Makes enough for 1 dozen cupcakes

Ingredients

1/2 cup frozen whole strawberries , thawed
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter , firm and slightly cold
Pinch coarse salt
3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar , sifted
1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract

Directions:

Place strawberries in the bowl of a small food processor; process until pureed. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat together butter and salt on medium speed until light and fluffy. Reduce mixer speed and slowly add confectioners' sugar; beat until well combined. Add vanilla and 3 tablespoons strawberry puree (save any remaining strawberry puree for another use); mix until just blended. Do not overmix, or frosting will incorporate too much air. Frosting consistency should be dense and creamy, like ice cream.

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Go forth and make something.

Random Thoughts on Twitter or Reflections of a Co-dependant

2011-05-12T08:36:00.000-06:00

Tweeting is a lot lot fishing. You throw your line in and wait for a bite.

Often times, you don't even get a nibble so you reel it back in and cast out another lure.

Still nothing? Fine. Ignore me. I'll try this bigger, better lure.

BAM! I got some nibbles but didn't reel anyone in. I'm gonna switch techniques and do more of a fly fishing approach.

Oh, you don't know the difference? Damn city girls. Regular fishing means you throw your line in and be patient. Fly Fishing requires that you rapid fire your line..snap, snap, snap - to simulate a moving target. For the fish with ADD - ooh! Shiny!! Switching tactics would mean that I just start commenting everywhere and anywhere trying to illicit a response.

From anyone. Pay attention to me, I'm needy.

Laugh at my jokes, I'm needy.

Tell me I'm brilliant, I'm needy.

Twitter just reinforces the fact that I'm co-dependant and needy, damnit. That's what my Glee shirt says, Co-Dependant.

Validate me. Tell me I'm worthy.

Wait, what? Where was I going with all of this?

Oh..Twitter is just a place to go fishing for validation.

Don't forget!

heidi's Top 10 Ways to Grow Your Blog

2011-05-10T12:07:00.005-06:00

I get asked all the time, "Heidi, how can I grow my blog? How do I make it big and full of comments." Since I am obviously an expert on this topic, I feel like I have quite a lot of insight to offer. Generally, I make the advice specific to the person inquiring but I thought I'd break it down for everyone - so you can benefit from my obviously superior skills in this area.

1. Don't be boring. No, I know - it seems like a no brainer, right? Yet I still encounter blog after blog that just bores me to tears. In cases like this I will hone in on one sentence/event and make my comment about that. If the post is so boring I want to hang myself from the shower rod, I'll copy someone else's comment so I don't have to subject myself to the pain of it anymore. My time is valuable people, let's not waste it.

2. Be either extremely good at something, or really bad at it. Obviously I'm talking to the crafters out there. Some of you have mad skills - I've seen them! I probably only glanced at your page and most likely didn't even comment because, you know, craftin' ain't my thang. But if you were extremely good and created something ah-mazing, I probably left a "Wow! Good job!" comment for you to show my appreciation. Now, on the flip side, if you created something ridiculously bad? I probably drove up your site traffic a whole bunch by sending the link to all my friends with a note attached that said, "You have GOT to check out this hot mess." Either way? You got some love.

3. Be funny. People like funny. Make fun of yourself. Make fun of those around you. But mostly? Make fun of yourself. The rest of us are so you might as well join in.

4. Find a crowd to roll with. Are you an organizing freak? Do you know how to reupholster like a mother lovin' bandit? Turnin' heads with your to-die-for style? Then you need to find peeps like you to share your superiority with. Join a blog carnival. Works for Me Wednesday, Tuesday Tackle, Wordless Wednesday, I Heart Faces - whatever - join one now. Because everyone wants to be part of the "in" crowd.

5. Pimp yourself. Someone's got to, right? You need to become a comment whore. Work your corner, work my corner - hell, head over to MamaKat's or Scary Mommy's place and work their corners too. The more you comment on people's blogs, the more people will come visit you. There's a caveat here. Don't leave stupid comments. Leave funny, witty comments that make people say, "Why, who IS this mystery person?! How can I get to know her? I need more!" You need to be a comment cock tease (sorry, was that offensive? More on that later.).

6. Don't be ashamed to talk about your kid's problems. I'm sure to offend people here, (again, more on that later.) but tragedy loves company. Blog rubber necking is abundant. If you have a sick kid, go ahead and talk about it. All of it. People love a cause.

7. KISSS. That means Keep it Short and Simple, Stupid. Obviously I can't even speak to this since the post is forever long. I don't blame you for quitting at number 3. Seriously, if I have to scroll down more than once to get through your post, it better be really freaking good - like anything from Pretty All True - or I'm not reading it. I have the attention span of a hamster...wait, what was I talking about?

8. Link. Link like crazy. Link here, link there, link everywhere. Link to random people, link with purpose. Link, Link, Link.

9. Say outrageous things and offend people. If you offend someone they'll tell someone else and they will tell someone else, etc. Your comments may not be very nice but you'll have traffic coming out of your overinflated ass. Promise.

10. Network. Facebook Fan Page, Twitter, Message Boards, whatever. Get the word out. Neglect your housework, kids and your job and make sure you are always pimping your blog. Every other thing you post should be a link to one of your blog entries. This is VERY important. I promise, it won't piss people off one bit.

So there ya have it. heidi's Top 10 Ways to Grow Your Blog. Helpful, no? Someday you'll see me on Good Morning America and you'll say - Oh! I knew her when. Or you might say, "That's my friend heidi!" Because you'll feel like you know me from all the TMI I share. Oh - that's tip #11 - TMI is NEVER TMI. It's good reading.

You're welcome.

Alone

2011-05-08T21:32:00.003-06:00

Do you wanna know why the #1 thing Mom's ask to receive for Mother's Day is something they do alone? Because we never get to be alone.

We pee with company - "What's that? You pee out your bagina and I pee from my penis, right mom? Are you pooping? We poop in the potty not our diapers right mom? Your poop is stinky. WOW! Mom! That's a big poop! I bet your poop is big because your butt is so big, right??"

When we shower it rarely is alone. "Hey baby, how YOU doin'?" or "Hey mom, what are you doing? Are you naked? I see your vagina. Your butt is big. What's that? Can I get in? Can I bring spiderman with me?" "Mom, she hit me!" "Mom, she stole my hoody and she threw it out the window!"

We don't sleep alone. We sleep next to our significant other, if we're lucky. But most often there's a chorus of "Mooooom!" through the night and we bounce from bed, to bed, to bed. I hafta tell ya, the last time I bounced beds like this I may have qualified as a slut. Just sayin'.

We are Never Alone. Ever.

Today my peeps left me alone to go work on a project for me at daddy's work. For an hour. Well, alone with Keaton who is 7 months and a teething maniac. Not 3 minutes after they left one of the neighbor girls that pratically lives here showed up. She hung out the whole time my family was gone. Not alone.

So you'll have to forgive us if one day a year we say, "Hey, thanks for celebrating me. I'm so glad I gave birth to you all but really? Today? I just want to be alone for a little bit."

I'd like to finish a meal without trying to hoover it in or giving half of it to little people. I'd like to read more than a paragraph at a time of my book. I'd like to breathe, and drink my coffee before it gets cold and I have to throw it in the microwave.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I do. Really, I do everything for them. So is it so aweful that I just want 2 hours to myself? Is that a crime?? If so then cuff me, run me in.

In fact, I think I'm looney and need to be locked up in a place with a bed and padded walls. Then I could sleep for a whole night without interruption...which brings me to my Christmas Wish....

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post here.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Helpful Hint From heidi: Locked In

2011-05-06T13:20:00.003-06:00

I know, I know - two hints in one week?! What gives?!? Well, I've had an exceedingly "special" week so I have lots to share. Pearls of wisdom. I cast them before you. Because I' know you're not swine.

Today I went to World Market to get my mom a Mother's Day gift. What? Yes I KNOW Mother's Day is Sunday and I still have to mail the gift to her. I get it, I'm a slacker. Whatever. Can I go on?? Thankyouverymuch.

So I finish up at World Market and B is like, I have to pee, Mama! So I said, "Can you hold it until we get to Wendy's to meet daddy?" And the good little boy said yes, if we hurry. We hurry out to the Suburban and I get everyone buckled in. 3 kids, 3 carseats and 1 diaper bag. It's a work out. I hop in to my seat and start up the car. I turn to back out and notice the handle on the baby's carseat is up.

Screw it, I think. I'm just going across the street. But then I think, "Shit. If I get into a wreck and the handle breaks in and impales Keaton then I'll never forgive myself." Reluctantly, I put the Suburban back into park and unbuckle myself. I hit the unlock button and jump out. I shut the door.

You see where this is going, right?

I try to open the back door.

It won't open.

I run around to every other door and try.

They won't open.

I thought I hit the unlock button! Nay, Nay. I hit the LOCK button. My 3 babies are now stuck inside a running car while safely (and quite securely, it turns out) buckled into their car seats.

Oh, and my cellphone is in the diaper bag.

I bang on the windows - because for some reason this seems logical to me.

I call out to my 4 year old, Corban, and tell him to unbuckle. Come on buddy, help mommy out. He can unbuckle the top but not the bottom. I say stand up - wiggle out - you can do it. He says, "Just open the door and do it yourself!"

*sigh*

I try Brennan. He starts crying. "Mommy, open the door! Open the door!"

I can't. So I bang on the windows some more - which I'm sure had a complete calming affect on the boys. (Again - nay, nay.)

A man walks by. Eureka!!! "Sir!" I yell. "Excuse me, sir?! Can I please borrow your cell phone??"

Guess what? He said no and kept walking. (P.S. - Sir? I hope your weinie itches uncontrollably in public for the next week. Jackass.)

A woman walks out of the store and I run over to her, "Ma'am - can I please borrow your cell phone? I'm an idiot and I locked my 3 boys in the car and I need to call my husband. Please!" She lets me. Probably while wondering if she should call CPS on me.

Rob answered the phone and I told him what happened. Know what he did? He laughed at me. Jerk. Then he said he was on his way to rescue me. Not a jerk.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep the already panicked boys calm.

And failing. Apparently all the window banging and shouting freaked them out. Who knew??

Brennan has gone from sobbing to hysterics. "Mommy! Just open the door! Please mommy - open the door!"

Corban is shouting, " ASK ANOTHER MOM FOR A KEY! HURRY UP! I'M RUNNING OUT OF AIR! I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE! WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF AIR!!" as he's clutching at his chest and throat.

Keaton is giggling.

Rob shows up and the boys want him. Only him. Brennan begs daddy to drive him now, not mommy. Corban wants to ride in daddy's car. Keaton is still oblivious.

I bought them ice cream to eat before their lunch.

The moral of the story? Don't lock your kids in the car, duh.

And forget about Mother of the Year. I've got that title all to myself after today.

Is it wine-o-clock, yet?

Seriously Secret Helpful Hint From heidi

2011-05-05T06:06:00.004-06:00

I have to tell you a secret. But you can't tell Rob because he is going to be so grossed out.

So the other night I made a dish that had a piece of meat in it. (I'm being intentionally vague in case Rob reads this he won't know which dish...ya feel me? Word.) The meat was still partially frozen when I threw it in to be cooked (oh, and also because we have leftovers that I've frozen to eat still and I want him to eat them). Unbeknownst to me, I did not remove all of the, uh, what's that stuff they put on the bottom of the package? The padding stuff? Like this:

There were like 3 of those suckers in there, I guess, and I only got 2 of them out. The third was stuck to the bottom of this large piece of meat and I threw it in the soup to be cooked. And cooked it was. I spent a good 20 minutes sifting through the soup to find the plastic and mostly disintegrated paper stuff so that no one would see it and not eat.

I know, gross.

But there was some serious food in that pot and I was NOT about to waste it just because people might get a little padding in their bowl.

So my helpful hint is that you should always check to make sure you've got all that off because it really makes a nasty mess in our soup, if you don't.

That's my secret. What's yours?

Pissed

2011-05-03T13:49:00.004-06:00

Yesterday Corban was in the tangled mess of a garage, trying to get his bike out and he's getting increasingly mad. He's all, "Stupid bike, stupid training wheels! Stupid girls with their stupid toys!"

He's kicking things and throwing things; muttering and mumbling. (Very much a mini version of his daddy.)

Suddenly he stops, looks up at me and says, "Mom, I was gonna say how pissed on I was but then I remembered I can't say pissed on so I didn't say pissed on. Right mom? I can't say that I'm pissed on, right? I have to say mad or flusterrrated."

I was trying really hard, and failing, to not laugh but he kept saying pissed and he was so earnest about it!

So, I said, "Right, buddy...you can't say pissed. but if you did you should say pissed OFF not pissed ON. Because one means mad and the other is just gross."

Crank that Soulja Girl

2011-04-29T16:53:00.003-06:00

You know that commercial where the cool kid pulls up to the other kid and his parents are singing Angel of the Morning? I love that song. I love that commercial.

Do you have a theme song? I don't think I do. I have a couple of songs that I ALWAYS turn up and require silence from the minions when they come on, but I don't think they qualify as theme songs, do they?

Maybe theme song is a bad choice of words. It's not like I am my own TV show or something. That'd be a weird show. Not Gene Simmons weird - Ozzy Osbourne weird. Definitely not Gary Busey weird. Obviously not Charlie Sheen weird.

If you pull up next to me and I'm rocking out while my kids hide their heads in shame, it's most likely that I've pulled out my badass 80's rock-self and am singing "Here I go again on my own...going down the only road I've ever known...like a drifter I was born to walk alone...".

I don't know why this song from Whitesnake resonates with me, but it totally does. I've never really been on my own. I certainly wasn't born to walk alone. I've been married for 15 years now, so "Here I Go, Again" probably would be more in reference to me nagging Rob to clean the bathtub than my rebellious ways. Yet ever since I first heard this song the summer I was 11 it's been *my* song.

The other song that always gets turned up is All-Star by Smash Mouth. Perhaps this one is more fitting? "Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me - I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed..she was lookin kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an 'L' on her forehead." I mean, I really am a Rock Star and an All Star. My brain got smart and my head got dumb. "So much to do, so much to see..." - that's pretty much me to a 'T'! Not the sharpest tool in the shed? Have you read my Helpful Hints??

Eh, who knows. I don't think I have a theme song/anthem. I really want one though - I do, I do! Can you recommend one? Do you have one??

When Life Gives You Lemons? Make A Cake.

2011-04-28T09:14:00.006-06:00

Last Friday was my birthday. It was just like any other day! In fact, I even spent the evening, night and next few days cleaning up vomit! Oooh - vomit AND a recipe all in one post. Just need to throw in some bathroom humor and we'll be set, eh?

There used to be a time in my life when staying up all night and vomit would have meant I had a really great night! My how times change. LOL

Anyway. I made my own cake, since I can't have dairy, soy, eggs or nuts. This cake is so yummy and moist and really stinkin' easy to make!

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Vegan Lemon Cake

3 large lemons (juice and rind)

1 ½ cups all purpose flour

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. baking soda

6 tbsp. vegetable oil

1 tsp. vinegar (Yep, vinegar, but I promise you, you won’t taste it.)

1 tsp. vanilla

Water

Preheat oven to 350°.

Put flour, sugar and baking soda into a mixing bowl. Mix them together fairly well.

Then grate all your lemon rind into a measuring cup. (I find this is lots easier using a large liquid measure. I just lay the grater over the liquid measure and the rind falls in.)

Then, take your already sorely abused lemon, cut it in half and squeeze the juice from all into your measuring cup.

Next add water to your rind and lemon juice until you have filled one cup, if needed.

Pour your lemon juice mixture into your bowl of dry ingredients.

Add oil.

Add vanilla.

Add vinegar.

Mix well.

Mixture will foam.

Pour into an ungreased 8x8 inch cake pan. Bake 25 minutes, or until cake bounces back a bit when you touch its center.

I served it sprinkled with Powdered Sugar and strawberries I had cut, in advance and sprinkled with a little sugar. SUPER Delicious! I have also served this with fresh blueberries and just plain with some powdered sugar sprinkled on the top. It doesn't matter - this cake is DELICIOUS!

Edited to Add that I'm linking up with Share A Spoon today!

Two-Faced

2011-04-27T14:53:00.002-06:00

Yep, that's me.

I don't know about everyone else but my online world and my "real life" world do NOT collide. They rarely interact (with a few exceptions) and I'd prefer they never meet face to face. You won't find a link to my blog on my Facebook page. You won't hear me telling people around me about my blog. When Rob told his parents I had a blog I nearly crapped myself. I do NOT want them reading my blog!

I love that I can be myself here. I'm so guarded IRL and don't really let people know me very well. Hell, YOU strange anonymous people know more intimate details about me than nearly everyone I associate with on a regular basis. What does that say about me? Is that weird?!

Oh..are you looking for some epiphany? A revelation? A point where I realize that I need to be more open IRL and let people in?

You're not going to find it.

So, if I know you IRL and I don't already know that you're reading my blog? DON'T tell me. Do NOT. Because then I will stress and obsess over what I am saying.

Do people in YOUR real life read your blog??

I Want A New Drug

2011-04-25T09:24:00.004-06:00

Allegra is now considered OTC which means you don't need a prescription to get it. They didn't change anything about the drug - they've just suddenly decided it's ok to hand out to everyone. That makes me a little uneasy, but whatever. I'm trying to look at the bright side. Some day I might have this conversation via Text Message with my husband:

Me: I need you to run to the store

Him: Give me the list

Me: Milk, Apple Juice, Diapers, Lettuce & Vicodin

Him: Ok, do you need any percocet while I'm there?

Me: Nope - we still have some darvocet and medical mary-jane in the cupboard so we should be good until next month. But I could use some more ritalin since we have 3 play dates next week and I can't stand the moms.

Him: Awesome. See ya in an hour.

See? Won't the future be great?! We won't even MISS that there's no flying cars yet because, really, who will notice?!

Not Sexy...Not Sexy At All

2011-04-24T06:26:00.003-06:00

You know what irritates me? When people use the word 'sexy' to describe things that aren't sexy. For instance, have you seen any cooking shows lately? They're all about how 'sexy' their food. Ooo la la...look at this chicken breast I made - it is so sexy! Listen to me - saying that something is sexy would imply that you want me to think about having sex or that sex would someway be involved with whatever you're describing. I don't think about having sex with my food. Laying down and rubbing a pot roast all over my body isn't what I'm going for, here. Oh, I know..you make love to it with your mouth. Again, really? You 'make love to it' with your mouth? What kind of babies is that going to make?

"Oh, babe, this Chicken Marsala is so damn sexy. Oooh...oh....I am getting so hot and worked up over here. I just want to caress it with my tongue and lovingly nibble at it's bits. Prrrrrr....oh, yeah....I'm going to make love to this chicken with my mouth...oh, yeah baby.....mmmmmm."

I think I need a shower.

It extends beyond food - people describing their new business ideas as sexy. Or the way they want to redecorate the living room. How is this sexy? Maybe your business idea revs you up and gets you going but really, it just makes me say "Good for you". You moving the couch to the other side of the room and changing the wall color doesn't make me start hearing Barry White and shedding my clothes.

These things are not sexy, people. They are not. Find a different word.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post here.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Happy Earth Day!! - Eh, Screw That!

2011-04-22T10:17:00.002-06:00

I mean, yay Earth and all that. Go Green or Go Home. Love your Mother. I get it. But you know what we SHOULD be celebrating today?

My Birthday!

Go on, get your move on for a second while I flow..

Go heidi, it's your birthday, go heidi, it's your birthday...gonna party like it's your birthday...

I totally saw you rockin the cabbage patch. Nicely done.

What's in store for my birthday? Dishes, Laundry, cooking, cleaning, butt wiping and booger pickin. Just another day here!

I don't get freaked out by ages. I just don't really..but this one is kinda weird to me. I'm closer to 40 than 30 now and 40 was always just so far away.

So, tonight, if you need a reason to celebrate - you can use my birthday as an excuse. Just raise a glass to me, ok?

Angry All The Time

2011-04-20T17:18:00.004-06:00

Corban was diagnosed as having SPD when he was two. He was non-verbal. He would stay up ALL. NIGHT. LONG. He would scream if anyone new came into our house or car. He would scream if people touched him. He would shut down if people engaged him.

I wonder, though, if there's not something else going on.

He's 4 now. And he gets so mad. By mad I mean he starts by making an angry face and then talks about he he wants to hit things and smash things. Recently he's been threatening to punch me. I take him to his room where he rages - throwing things, hitting things, kicking things - all while screaming about how much he hates me. And the smallest things set him off. Telling him no. Telling him it's time to go to bed. Telling him that he has to do something he doesn't want to do.

Some times he is the most polite little thing. And fun and sweet...then other times it's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Also, lately I've noticed an increase in physicality of activity. For instance, he LOVES to wrestle, now. Only he likes to be the one that's getting his butt kicked. But he LAUGHS while it's happening. WTH??? He just really wants to wrestle and when his 2 year old brother puts him in a headlock? That's a bonus.

Lately, too, we've had issues with boundaries. For example - you can tell him to stop what he's doing but it's like he can't hear you. Then when he finally DOES hear you, he gets pissed that you told him to stop.

What IS this?! What is going ON? Someone tell me this is normal behavior for a 4 year old!

Yes, lie to me.

No, don't. Someone help me out here. Is there something more than the SPD going on?

I wrote this earlier and I have to tell you - I'm EXHAUSTED dealing with him today. Exhausted. Trying to stay on top of him and his moods while dealing with a 2 year old and a teething 7 month old? Not to mention the two girls and the kids I babysit. Can we just sedate them all for ONE NIGHT so I can catch up?? I kid. It really is exhausting trying to keep up with him, though. Any help you can offer is very appreciated.

We are Family

2011-04-20T06:00:00.000-06:00

...aren't they a cute bunch?

Even though they make me work so hard

just to get a single good shot

Thank God I can crop out the ones that look like fools

But sometimes ya just gotta love the outtakes.

Ding-a-ling

2011-04-18T06:00:00.001-06:00

I have 3 boys and a husband so there are a lot of penises in this house. Ok, well there are four to be exact. But, for someone that does not HAVE a penis - it's a lot. I knew that boys were fascinated by their penises. It's only a wee bit obvious starting when you're 4 and you keep saying, "Oh my nuts!" to anyone who will listen. Yeah, we get it, you have a penis. Congrats. It changes names as you grow older but the sentiment is still the same..this is my little buddy and I like him.

It starts even younger than four, I've discovered. Keaton is 6 months old and he can hardly WAIT until I get his diaper off. He feels those onesie snaps come undone and his hand is down clawing at the velcro of his diaper. Then (queue the music) it's as if he hasn't been in contact with his penis for so long. "Hello, again, Hello. I just called to say..hello..I couldn't sleep at all tonight. And I know it's late..but I couldn't wait...hello, my friend, hello. Just called to let you know - I think about you every night when I'm here alone and your there at home...hello."

Corban is almost 5 and I think he's afraid his penis is going to fly off of his body if he isn't holding on to it. So he checks in from time to time. Just reaches down and grabs it. Shakes hands. Quick little check in. But sometimes..oh sometimes..he grabs on and (queue the music, again) just doesn't want to let go. "Reunited and it feels so good. Reunited cause we understood there's one perfect thing and sugar this one is it. We both are so excited cause we're reunited, hey hey."

Brennan, though - he seems content to just leave it in his pants and leave it alone. Could there be hope? He likes to talk about it. He's an "Oh, my nuts!" kind of kid. He also likes to point out who has a penis and who has a 'Dagina'. "Mommy, you pee from your dagina?" "Mommy - that man has a penis?" "Mommy does that yady have a penis or a dagina?" He's more of a "I ain't missin' you at all..since you been gone, away. I ain't missin' you...no matter what my friends say."

I thought I knew a lot about penises. Really, I did. I've learned a lot with 3 http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifboys. Smegma? That stuff is real - it's not just fodder for a Red Dwarf episode! Who knew. Something else I've learned? Naked boys like to make their penises dance. "Wiggle it..just a little bit...I wanna see you wiggle it, just a little bit..as it groves"

Rob has a penis song, too. What song goes with that? Why...this one, of course:

Stock up! The End is Near!

2011-04-17T13:30:00.003-06:00

When I opened the paper today there was an ad in there to "Stock up for Easter". I didn't realize this was a holiday that we needed to stock up for. What would you stock up with, besides eggs, for Easter? The main focus of the ad was wine. So you should stock up on Alcohol for Easter? Which I get, I guess, if you spend a lot of time with extended family for Easter. Most people *I* know head to church on Easter - even if it's one of the two days a year they go to church. Dunno if taking a bottle of wine into the sanctuary is something I'd recommend. Go on - someone is going to make the "Water to Wine" comment, I'm sure of it.

Oh - that reminds me - we're not Catholic. Well, I mean, I KNEW that we weren't catholic but it's important to this story that I was reminded of by "Water to Wine". So sis went to serve lunch at church with a friend of hers. While she was eating and chatting with one of the elderly ladies, she ended up wearing half the ladies lunch because she just kept talking and spitting her food all over. And my daughter - ugh - she says, "I think I need to go wash my face in Holy Water." to the dad of this friend she went with. HORROR! Insolent, disrespectful child. I have no idea where she gets it.

So, stock up on Alcohol for Easter to celebrate the resurrection of Christ while eating Deviled Eggs then wash your face in Holy Water.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post at Fadra's.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I'm Pretty Enough

2011-04-15T21:32:00.004-06:00

In the midst of a conversation about nothing relating to this, Sienna says:

Sienna: Does that mean I'm going to look exactly like you, Mom, when I grow up?

Cara: That's not a BAD thing, Sienna!

Sienna: No, I'm excited. I just won't DRESS like her.

Bah dum duh.

So. Apparently I'm pretty enough, I just dress like a moron. Nice.

In related (uh, not really?) news - I potty trained my 4th child this week (That would be Brennan for those of you that lost count.) I *am* the pee pee whisperer. Dudes...he even POOPED on the potty 3 times. Holy HANNAH! I'm scared of how easy it was. Don't tell.

That little update has nothing to do with anything on my blog, but I really would like some pats on the back - soooooo...pat me, already.

And now, I will talk about toilet habits and food in the same post. Proving I have no boundaries.

Bringing Snack Back:

One day we had Oranges & Nilla Wafers. Another day we had Goldfish crackers and fruit snacks (leftover from Sienna's bday party). One day I made Peanut Buddy bars - and those got inhaled. Chips and Salsa or Cream Cheese Salsa Dip, another day. Then on the Bake Sale Baking day the kids had all the cookie rejects to pick from - Ginger cookies, Snickerdoodles and Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip cookies.

Here's your recipe for the week:

Picture shamelessly stolen from here.

Chocolate Peanut Buddy Bars

1 cup creamy or chunky peanut butter
6 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 (12 ounce package) milk chocolate chips, divided use

Preheat oven to 350ºF (175ºC).

Beat peanut butter and butter in large mixer bowl until smooth.
Beat in sugar, eggs and vanilla extract.
Beat in flour and salt.
Stir in 1 cup morsels.
Spread into un-greased 13 x 9-inch baking pan.
Bake for 25 to 30 minutes or until edges are lightly browned.
Sprinkle with remaining morsels. Let stand for 5 minutes or until morsels are shiny; spread evenly.
Cool completely in pan on wire rack.
Cut into bars.

Next Friday is my birthday so I think I'll make a Vegan Lemon Cake with Blueberries. Um, yum? Yeah. Yum.

If I'm Being Honest....

2011-04-12T09:38:00.003-06:00

I had a post all ready to go about sex. About not feeling like I want to have sex. About Rob wanting to be wanted. But I can't post it.

I can't post it because I was wrong. I had to rethink it all. Reevaluate and reexamine and I came to a completely different conclusion than the original post.

So often, as moms, we put what we want on the back burner. How many times do we spend our own "fun money" on something for the kids? Birthday money? Kids get new summer clothes. Christmas money? We pay the electric bill. Gift Card to WalMart? Yay - groceries! Want to go out? Can't - kids need us to stay home. Want to sit and read all day instead of doing chores? Nope - then who will clean the house/fold the laundry/make the food? Every day we do this to ourselves. We milk every bit of ourselves OUT of ourselves until not only is there nothing left, but if there was we wouldn't know how to enjoy it.

Back to my original post. I had Rob read through it first. After all, it was about him for the most part.

His response hurt me.

Not because he was wrong, but because he was right. I'm over here talking about how busy I am and how tired I am and the message I am sending him is that I can't be bothered to spend time with him. Am I tired? Um, yes. Am I all touched out? For sure. He has been super patient the past month as I push him farther and farther away. I'm sitting over here thinking - does he not see how tired I am? How overworked I am? He only thinks of himself! And the message I'm sending him is not a nice one. I'm telling him that I no longer find him attractive or worth the time it takes to be together.

Ouch.

That was not my intention, at all. Have ya'll SEEN my husband? Oh he's such a doll. (And he has a nice ass. Heh.) Plus? He's got all the right moves.

Instead of taking the time to let myself enjoy sex and enjoy making out with my husband - who knows how to make me feel good I think of all the things I "should" be doing, instead. I think of all the things that won't get done if I take 1 hour to spend time with Rob. It's just one more sacrifice that I'm going to make "for the good of the family".

Why do we do that? I know I'm not alone here. Are we getting some sort of medal? Are we in a competition that I am unaware of? Is someone gonna show up at my house with an over sized check because I sacrificed the most of myself? God help me if that ever happens.

Let's do a little Q & A.

Doe sex feel good? Yes!
Is anyone gonna die if I don't get the floor swept after dinner and before bed? No.
Is Rob sexy as hell? Yes.
Does Rob wanna rip my clothes off and take advantage of me? Yes.
Will the laundry be there tomorrow? Yes.
Will I enjoy myself if I can stop making lists long enough to let myself? Yes.

If you answered Yes to 3 of those questions then go have sex with your husband tonight. If you answered yes to questions 3 and 4 then you and I need to have a chat.

The point is this - are you sending an unintentional message to the one you love that he is not worthy or valued enough for you to take ONE HOUR of your time to spend with him? No one is going to commend you for all of your sacrifice when you've sacrificed your entire self.

Also? I'm sorry, Rob. I hate that I made you feel unwanted. I love you, you sexy beast. (Thanks for last night. *wink wink nudge nudge*)

Rob and I on a hot date date in 2009.

Brain Dump

2011-04-10T12:42:00.003-06:00

Do your homework. Do your homework. Are your chores done yet? Did you do your chores? Do your homework. Did you wash your hands? Are you going to get up there and eat or sit in time out? Eat your dinner. Be nice. Eat your dinner. Stop hitting. Stop hitting. Don't bite! No BITING! Close the door. Turn off the light. Close the door. Turn off the light. Do your homework. Eat your dinner. You're not wearing that. Leave your sister alone. Leave your brother alone. Get off the baby. Please don't touch that. DON'T. No! STOP! Do your homework. Wash up. Sit down. Get up. Get in. Let's go. Stay here. Come on! Knock it off! Shh. Shh. Shh. SHH. SHHHHH!!! The baby is sleeping. If you wake the baby, so help me... Get your chores done. Get your chores done. Stop touching that. Leave that alone. Don't pick your nose. Leave your penis alone. Be nice. Make better choices. Put that down. Pick that up. Put that down. Pick that up. You're not wearing that. Put a coat on. We don't eat our boogers. No. No. No. No. No. No. It's not summer. It's not warm enough for shorts. Eat your dinner. Eat your dinner. Just eat 4 freaking bites! Don't pick your nose. Leave your penis alone. Stop saying sucks. Quit saying nuts. Don't eat that. Drink your milk. Don't put that in your mouth. Quit licking your hands. Quit licking your hands. Quit licking your hands. Pick that up. Put that away. Put that down. Stop yelling. Shh. Shh. SHHH!!! The baby is sleeping! Get off that. Don't jump on the couch. Do your homework. Get your chores done. Stop doing that. You better get moving. Knock it off. What is your problem? Spit it out! Get to the end of the story. Seriously? Seriously? Shut the door. Turn off the light. Leave your brother alone. Are you listening? Leave your penis alone. Is your penis trying to fly away? No? Then leave it alone. Stop talking. LISTEN! Just listen! Stop it. Knock it off. Quit it. Do your chores. Eat your dinner. Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed. GO TO BED.

The end. Phew. Now there's a little more room in there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I Hope I Learned My Lesson.

2011-04-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

Corban: I want a snack.

Me: So?

Corban: Well? Can I have one?

Me: You can have fruit.

Corban: What? Noooo Fruit is DUMB! I hate fruit!

Me: Too bad, so sad, little man.

Corban: Get me a cookie.

Me: No.

Corban: UGH! This is dumb! Stupid! DUMB AND STUPID!

Me: Good words there, bud.

Corban: That's all I can have is fruit?

Me: How about a vegetable?

Corban: NO! STUPID AND DUMB! And I'm not having vegetables for dinner, either.

Me: That'll work because we're not having vegetables for dinner.

Corban: What? Why not? That's stupid!

Me: We;re having pancakes, eggs and bacon.

Corban: NO! What?! That's dumb! I'm not having that. Gross. Patooey. I'm not eating that.

Me: Sure ya will.

Corban: No, No I won't! Only the bacon!

Me: And a pancake. You don't have to have egg.

Corban: Fine. And I'm NOT having a snack before dinner!

Me: Well, that'll teach me, won't it?

Corban: Yes! I hope you learned your lesson!!

Me: Well that's dumb and stupid!

I'm pretty sure I don't like you.

2011-04-08T08:39:00.003-06:00

Sienna came home from school, not too long ago, RAVING about some soup her friend brought to school. Over the next week she traded lunch with this friend every day to get this soup. She begged me to make it. Being the over-indulgent mom that I am, I said sure - get me the recipe.

She asked her friend to bring the recipe. A week went by. Girl was craving the soup like a crack addict. She had to have it. I searched according to the ingredients and came up with 3 possibilities - none of which was correct, according to her.

In the meantime, life went on. Sienna went to the mall with friends and I went to pick her up. One of the other girls' mom was there so I did the right thing - the social thing - I introduced myself. The woman shook my hand (how grown up am I?! I offered my hand.) and said nice to meet you. But she didn't tell me her name. I tried again to get her name from her and got...a vapid stare.

Whatever.

Monday Sienna brings me the "recipe" for this soup she's dying for. Only...uh....all it includes is a list of ingredients. No instructions? No..name? Just a grocery list.

I did my best. I tried to make the soup. It tasted good but smelled like vomit. Wholly unappetizing. Vomit soup anyone? Yum.

Then we're back at the mall for shoes and who do we run into? Vapid woman. This time I take no chances..I say, "I'm sorry but I just don't remember your name." Phew. Good thing I'm clever because I outsmarted her on that one and she gave me her name. I feel victorious!

(Editorial aside: Where is this all going? I know you want me to wrap it up and I've been interrupted a billion times..so this isn't even as funny as I want it to be. Now I'm just getting pissed.)

Sienna wants the vomit soup again, only she wants me to make it right. I say, "Get me a flipping RECIPE then, not just a list of ingredients! I'm a mom not a magician, for crying out loud!" She says, "I asked and this is what she gave me!!"

It dawns on me that I have no idea which friend this recipe came from..so I ask.

Can you guess?

Yep. The vapid woman with no name. So, yk, thanks for the list of ingredients. Oh, and when your daughter was here last week? She asked me if I had a double chin.

I'm pretty sure I don't like you.

Fail. Fail. Win!

2011-04-07T10:20:00.005-06:00

I've confessed that I'm not a real chef, right? I don't even play one on my blog, yo. I just try and I hope to get an A for effort. And if people eat what I make then I consider it a win.

In the interest of full disclosure, so you can judge me fairly and completely (Ha!), I'm showing you my failures. Oh yeah, I am.

So I make snack every day for about 11 kids that stop by on their way home to do chores and homework. Though some stay here for homework, too. Which ends up at dinner...and one girl I'm pretty sure needs her own dresser and chore list. Anyway. Snacks. It's hard to come up with stuff but the kids don't really care - as long as there's food and they can yell, "Do you know what happened today?!"

I tried to make Lemon Bread. Verdict? Edible and mildly yum but not something to make again. Also? It wouldn't stay together - it just crumbled. I'm sure this was NOT the recipes fault but the recipe MAKERS fault.

Then there's the tale of the Nilla Wafers. Thought I could whip these together right quick and the kids would love them. Verdict? These cost too much to make. Take too much time to make. Were only mildly enjoyed. (Nilla Wafers with a peanut butter filling. Half are dipped in chocolate.)

Pretty, no? Heh.

These were the clear winners! They're Soft Ginger Cookies. They win for several reasons: 1) I didn't have to buy a bunch of stuff (nilla wafers, baking chocolate) to make them 2)They whipped up really quickly and easily 3)They looked pretty 4)They're gone.

2 1/4 cups flour (I sifted, as always - makes things fluffier!)
2 tsp ground ginger
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp ground cloves
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 cup margarine (I used butter)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1/4 cup molasses
2 tsp sugar

Preheat oven to 350. Combine first 6 ingredients and set aside. Beat margarine with mixer and gradually add sugar. Beat until fluffy. Add egg and molasses, beat well. Stir in dry ingredients. Shape into 1 1/2 inch balls, roll in sugar and place on cookie sheet. Bake for approximately 8 minutes or until light brown and puffed. Let stand 2 minutes before transferring to wire rack to cool.

This recipe said it made 2 dozen cookies but I eeked out 3 dozen plus four more extra cookies. *shrug*

Enjoy!!

Hello, my name is heidi. I'm judgmental and care what people think of me.

2011-04-05T14:58:00.005-06:00

You know what I hate? No. Well, yeah..I hate that. And that. And I really hate that. But what I'm thinking of right at this very moment is...

I really hate when people say, "I don't care what people think of me."

If I were a betting person, which I am, then I'd be willing to put money down on the fact that if I judged you and got all up your face about what a terrible person you are or how ridiculous you look today, you'd be affected. You'd be mad. Or sad. Or ashamed. Or you'd mow me down with your car. All of those things are signs that you do, in fact, care what people think of you.

People that say they don't care are hiding. Everyone cares on some level. I care. I care if you don't like me. I care if you think I'm a moron. I care if you're angry with me. I care if you give me a sideways glance at the store or a snide look at the Dr.'s office.

Oh, I may not care POSITIVELY but I care NEGATIVELY. I care so much I want to spit in your face and stomp on your foot. I may care and think you're totally wrong and not entitled to the opinion you hold. I probably think you're a moron, too.

I mean, look at how many times I used the word 'I' in this post? Obviously I'm self involved enough to care what people think.

The truth of it is, I'm sitting over here judging you so I'm quite certain you're judging me. Let's all just be honest and own up to it for once, ok?

Hello, my name is heidi. I'm judgmental and care what people think of me.

That was, like, the EIGHTIES and stuff. Forever ago.

2011-04-03T10:37:00.002-06:00

Sunday Brain Dump...Verbal Vomit....Five Minutes...

Your five minutes begins....NOW!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday my oldest turned 12. I remember 12. At least, I think I remember 12. That was ancient history according to the girls here. Like, OMGosh...that was in the 80's! That was, like...so long ago.

I guess it was. But at 12 I met my best friend. I was starting 7th grade. I remember sleepovers when I was 12. Comparing who had boobs and pubes and talking about boys. Sienna, thankfully, isn't all boy crazy like I was but some of her friends are. Last night they were singing karaoke and God Bless the Broken Road came on. Oh yeah, you guessed it...drama. Tears. Sadness. Oh, it reminds me of my ex-boyfriend! *gulp* *gasp* *sob* I'll be ok. Silly girls.

Then there was the girl that WASN'T invited. She was calling and texting..and sending pictures of herself making out with her boyfriend. Holy mother of PEARL batman....inappropriate. Her dad was home..no mom in the picture...but he was drinking beer in the living room watching TV. The girl was all "The clothes are coming OFF tonight!" Who the hell thinks about sex like that at 12?!?! I know, I know..lots of people. But C'MON! The girls here, to their credit, immediately called her (which is what she wanted, duh) and told her not to be stupid. My plus one said, "Don't be THAT girl. Don't be the girl that has sex in 6th grade because then you'll just be a slut for the rest of your life." Another told her to wait until high school (shock! No! Marriage! MARRIAGE!!!) (I mean...No sex...until you're, like, 25 or something! NO SEX! ACK!) Sienna had nothing to add because there's a REASON the girl wasn't invited to the party, yo.

Then there was the neighbor boy that was texting until 11. I finally had to text him and tell him to say goodnight.

Anyway..it was fun. Girls can EAT though...hot wings, honey bbq wings, strawberries, bananas, celery, oven fries & deviled eggs for dinner. All night snacks? Fun Dip, Sprite, Monster, popcorn, doritos, oreo ice cream cake. And that was all before I went to BED! Breakfast was banana bread, kiwi and strawberries and deviled eggs. Right now? They're at the store getting donuts and energy drinks. Crazy Fools! Good think all but one of em are going home today.

12...so long ago. I can't believe my oldest is 12 and that I was having my first baby 12 years ago yesterday. Wow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
Link up your post below.
Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Are Those Oven Fries?!

2011-03-31T22:09:00.005-06:00

In an effort to Bring the After School Snack Back. I'm sharing ideas with you. This week has been a major baking fail, but that's ok. You don't have to bake or make amazing things for snack. The kids still love ya! This week I have been swamped. Yesterday's snack was grapes, licorice and cheeze its. HA!

Today? Oven Fries and kool-aid.

Need a recipe? Mmmkay...Cut some potatoes. Toss them on a baking sheet with some oil. Salt them. I throw some Creole seasoning on here. Bake at 375 for 30-45 minutes. Serve with dipping sauces. Back away from the table....

See? Culinary genius, I am not. Feeding the mass amount of neighborhood kids? I am. You don't have to do anything special - just throw out some food, yo.

Two Halves do not make a Whole

2011-03-30T08:15:00.003-06:00

Me: Can you make Corban a sandwich? He hates the soup.

Corban: I want Peanut Butter with Butter and Sugar.

Rob: Do you let him eat that??

Me: No. Well, sometimes the PB and Butter but no sugar.

Rob: Hey Corbs, how about one of daddy's special PB & Honey sandwiches?!

Corban: yeah!

Rob: How big of a sandwich for Corban?

Me: Just give him half, that's all he ever really eats.

Brennan: Me too, Me too!!

Rob: You want a sandwich, buddy?

Brennan: Yeah, no Peanut Butter with Peanut Butter with no jelly.

Rob: Uh...how about what Corban's having?

Brennan: YEAH! That's what I SAID!

Rob: :shows me Corban's half sandwich: Make B's like Corbans?

Me: Yeah. Well, cut it in half for him.

Rob: Cut it in half? It's already a half.

Me: Right but cut it the half in half.

Rob: How am I cutting a half in half? So he'll only eat half?

Me: No, he'll eat both halves but you need to cut the half in half so he can eat it easier.

Rob: Wait, what?

Me: Make him a half sandwich and cut it in half.

Rob: So cut the half in half? Do I still make it like a sandwich?

Me: Holy HELL! Make the sandwich like Corban's then cut it in half!

Rob: Ok, Ok..you don't have to yell.

Me: :stomps up the stairs:

Rob: So...make him half a sandwich and cut it in half and he'll eat both halves?

Me: Isn't that what I SAID?!?

File this under: Seinfeld Moment

You Smelt It, You Dealt It

2011-03-29T09:18:00.003-06:00

Surely I can't be the only person that's afraid of farting at the Dr? The worst would be the OB/Gyn while getting a full-on exam. Still, being adjusted by the Chiropractor, getting a massage, sitting in the dentists chair....who wants to let one rip at that point in time?

Just a passing thought.

I just need FIVE freaking Minutes!

2011-03-27T17:08:00.002-06:00

So all day today I've been like, "Five minutes! I just need 5 minutes! Is that too much to ask for?!"

And the baby will start crying. Or fill his diaper. Or cry while he's filling his diaper.

Or the two year old will fill his diaper or want some juice or need a snuggle.

Or the 4 year old will have wiped but want me to check him (do you see a recurring theme?!) or want something to eat.

Or the 9 year old will want something or a snuggle or need medicine because she's running a fever. Boy am I glad she wasn't i n need of wiping, too.

Or the 11 (12 in 6 days) will want to paint my nails every freaking color of the rainbow. Seriously. I have 10 different colored nails on my hands right now. Yay me! SO pretty. Actually it's not terrible.

Unlike my eyebrows which have become Siamese twins. They've grown together. They're partners in crime. The crime being that I look like Bert.

So I just wanted 5 minutes and Rob took my dad to look at the University because he has interview there tomorrow. For, like, 4 hours they were gone. FOUR hours. When he left to take Sienna to Youth Group I said, I need you to take the baby with you because I am going to lose my mind. I just need 5 minutes. FIVE FREAKING MINUTES.

He took the baby. The (almost) 12 year old is at Youth Group with the other (already) 12 year old. The 9 year old is in a big ole bubble bath with a big ole mug of hot chocolate spiked with some french vanilla creamer (scared ya didn't I?) and the 2 and 4 year old are playing Scooby Doo with my dad.

I have my 5 minutes and all I can freaking talk about is 5 minutes.

Which are now up.

That was fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

* Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.

* Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.

* Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.

* Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.

* Link up your post.

* Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I vlog in the bathroom...

2011-03-25T13:54:00.003-06:00

...while you rest on top of the Sponge Bob toothpaste dispenser. Giddy-up.

Some days I'm all June Cleaver. Today I feel more like Roseanne.

Bringing Snack Back

2011-03-24T08:33:00.002-06:00

If you were to stop by my house any Monday-Friday from 3:30-4pm you'd find a revolving door and a whoooole lotta kids. Well, I mean, yeah - I HAVE a whole lotta kids but there's always a whole bunch more here during that time. They come over after school, every day, for snack. Most of them have parents that work so they stop in here for a "debriefing" of sorts. They eat whatever I've made for the day and then they all tell me - loudly (except when they pull me in the 1/2 bath to tell me secrets and horrifying embarrassments) and over the top of each other. The littlest ones race in here first to see what's for snack and when the older kids arrive they shout out the good news - "It's cupcakes today!" "Homemade bread and hot chocolate!" whatever.

It's one of my most favorite times of the day.

This isn't a food blog - or a cooking blog (cause I'm barely a mediocre cook!) - but I'm gonna start sharing, once a week, the snacks I make. Because they really are easy - look, if *I* can make them - so can anyone else.

This week I made Potato Chip Cookies.

Yes, you read that right - the best of both worlds...AND there's chocolate involved! Well slap my butt and call me Betty!!! Don't be scared - they have almost a shortbread like texture with a bit of crunch. The kids all assured me they were delicious and I have ONE cookie that is left. I saved it to force Rob to try but he STILL hasn't eaten it. I may use it as a reward for one of the vulture children, today, instead.

I digress.

There's many recipes out there for these cookies but this is the one I used:

1 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tsp Vanilla
1 3/4 cup flour (I always sift, you don't have to)
1 cup crushed plain potato chips
1 cup chocolate chips (I used milk chocolate chips)

Preheat oven to 350. In medium bowl, cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Add vanilla, mix. Add flour gradually while mixing and beat until blended. Stir in crushed potato chips (don't use your mixer/beaters!). Drop by teaspoonful onto a ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 13-15 minutes.

This recipe CLAIMED to make 3 dozen cookies but I only got 23 smallish sized cookies out of it all.

Oh, the chocolate? Put 1 cup of chocolate chips in the microwave and heat for 1 min. Stir. Put back in microwave for another 1 min to finish melting chips. Stir. Add to cooled cookies. You can drizzle, dip or frost - whatever works for you. I dipped half the cookies and "frosted" the other half. The kids had no preference as long as there was chocolate SOMEWHERE on the cookie. Then you can lick the bowl clean. You know it's the best part. Go on, I won't tell.

WTH?!?!

2011-03-23T00:02:00.001-06:00

Wordless Wednesday Entry - with words, obviously.

Walked into the girls' room today to find THIS on the floor:

Uhm...huh...ok....

Yeah.

That's a bunch of barbies duct taped together wearing green nail polish bathing suits.

Which one of you girls is a serial killer?!?!

Turns out that Sienna would only play Barbies with Cara if the Barbies were all kidnapped and taped together and had to escape. Cara, to her credit, bent Ken over and had him carry the rest of the little waifs on his back, to safety.

Still?

WTH, man?!?!

Shut Up!

2011-03-20T08:17:00.003-06:00

After we had our first child I tried to eradicate this phrase from our vocabulary. It was mean! It was horrible! We weren't going to say it! Especially to our precious child. How degrading and demeaning! Instead we used phrases like "Shhh!" "Hush" "Be quiet" - which, yk, MEAN Shut up but sound nicer and more socially acceptable. *nods sagely*

Our second child came and tested us to the very core of our patience. In fact, she may have been sent to TEACH me patience when she was a baby and toddler. The exact polar opposite of our quiet, reserved, shy first born - our second daughter did everything with gusto. Including cry all. the. time.

Still, we held out. I fared better than Rob who was known to throw out a shut up every now and then. When that happened I would be so upset and offended! How DARE he talk to our children that way!! Disrespectful and rude, that's what I considered it. Degrading & demeaning, too. Lots of 'D' words.

We've since added 3 kids to our clan and countless neighborhood children who have sort-of co-opted themselves into our family. And I have to tell you? There is something to be said for a well placed "Shut up!". In the midst of all the kids fighting and yelling and screaming - a Shut Up will quiet the masses. In the middle of a tween-hormone fueled rant/tantrum a Shut Up will buy your poor ears about 30 seconds of silence. 30 seconds might not seem like long, but your ears will beg to differ.

Over the years Shut Up has evolved in our house. There's 'Shut it!', referring to the offender's mouth, of course. 'Stop talking' - which is generally directed at our 9 year old daughter who will make a fabulous lawyer one day. 'That's Enough' for our 4 year old while he rages and spews out hatred at the person in his path (generally me). 'Stop' for Brennan, the two year old because simple commands are best when you're two. I still use 'Hush' for the baby - because it just seems morally wrong to tell the baby to shut up, ya know? I mean - I have boundaries and limits - I'm not a total monster.

Shut Up is no longer a swear word here. Unless you're a child and you pull that puppy out and throw it in MY direction. Then you can count on an unpleasant day filled with loneliness and penalty chores.

So there. Another entry for mom of the year, please. You don't like it?

Shut up.

Two Faced

2011-03-15T07:05:00.004-06:00

I love this picture that Rob took of Corban at the park this weekend. After the few days before that I'd had with him, it just really spoke to me. On one side we've got light and on the other, a shadow. See? Even his hair is messier in the shadow side of the picture. The two side of Corban.

He can be the sweetest little boy, ever. Kisses and hugs and the politest little thing! Smart, funny and eager to please. Imaginative and playful with boundless energy. Happy! Light. Sunshine.

Sometimes he gets raging mad at the drop of a hat. He whines and cries and has trouble sleeping. He screams and yells and sometimes gets physical. He complains that his body actually physically hurts. He has trouble expressing himself and gets frustrated easily. He doesn't like people or change or to be touched. The shadow is hiding my sweet little man.

But I know that underneath the shadow is that sweet little boy with a sparkle in his eye. I just have to wait out the shadow.

How Rob Got His Swagger Back

2011-03-13T07:22:00.006-06:00

We had to upgrade our ride, recently. We've all but exceeded capacity on the minivan (damn breeders) and it's about ready for a retirement home. Oh, sure, there are 8 passenger minivans out there - nice ones, too! But we wanted to pay cash and we had a definite budget. So, when this bad boy fell in our laps we couldn't look the other way.

Oh yeah, that's right - in a time when everyone is trying to reduce their carbon footprint and DOWNSIZE due to ever rising fuel prices? The Potters went the other direction. We. Are. Rebels.

I gotta tell ya? Being able to all fit comfortably in one car again is so nice! However, buying the Suburban has had a side effect I wasn't aware of, for Rob.

It's given him Swagger.

When he walks out the the car, nay...excuse me..he says it's a TRUCK not a car.

When Rob walks out the truck I can hear the music playing...it's a slow motion love scene with his hair being tousled by the breeze. "Ooh dream weaver ... I believe you can get me through the night. Ooh dream weaver ... I believe we can reach the morning light." He runs his hand lovingly along the side of the Suburban, like he's rubbing her ass and he gazes hungrily as her. When he gets in the drivers side you can feel the electricity - and then....he starts her up.

He turns all Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor with his grunts of sheer pleasure and approval at the low rumble. "uh uh uh..me drive big truck".

That's right...Rob sits tall, ya'll. I had no idea the mini-van had robbed him of so much masculinity over the years. No idea. I'm sure it started when he had to give up the little red sports car because our family didn't fit. The beginning of the end as far as cars go.

No more. Now Rob is happy to take the kids wherever they need to go. He's happy to run to the store for me. I dare say that Rob is joyful.

He got his Swagger back.

"Uh Uh Uh...me drive big truck with low rumble"

Wordless (Nearly) Wednesday

2011-03-09T07:48:00.002-07:00

If you fall asleep at our house when other people are awake, chances are good that someone will do something like this to you. Corban's new look is courtesy of Brennan. :-)

The Helpful Hint Collection

2011-03-08T09:46:00.003-07:00

If you've read me for any amount of time, you know I'm prone to acts of complete lunacy. My brain just leaves the building. I've offered up helpful hints from time to time so that you people will not have to suffer the humiliation that I do. You can learn from MY mistakes. I give them to you one at a time, as they occur.

But that's all about to change.

In this ONE TIME ONLY special deal, you can get all fourteen Helpful Hints from heidi in one place. That's right - we have thoughtfully compiled the 14 hints previously posted on this blog into one package, just for you. No more searching by keyword or tag. No more wondering if it happened in April or September. It's all been combined for YOU, dear reader.

What do you think something like this might cost you? The invaluable insight? The chance to spare yourself public embarrassment? The opportunity to laugh at my expense? I assure you, it will cost you far less than it cost me.

We're offering this one-time deal for a mere comment. Shameless pandering, we know (again, I pluralize myself...very telling, no?) but it's for you. And if you call now we'll throw in a set of overused, dull knives from our very own kitchen! Watch out for these bad boys!

What do you get for this low, low price?

There's cooking hints involving hot burners and plastic things.

Parenting hints involving naughty limericks.

To help you in your "romantic life".

How to NOT spill urine all over yourself.

How about Hints for New Parents regarding projectile feces? Check.

Oh look...ANOTHER cooking hint - this one involves hot flying objects.

All of these and the rest of the Helpful Hint Collection, available for basically no charge.

Well, the only cost is apparently my dignity. Heh.

Seventy times seven

2011-03-06T21:46:00.003-07:00

My relationship with my mother has changed a lot over the years since I became an adult. She's been my best friend, and my biggest adversary. She's been my champion and my nay-sayer. She's been someone I admired and someone that I felt sorry for.
But through it all we've always maintained a relationship of some kind.

It's becoming harder and harder for me to maintain this relationship. My mother has always had this habit of feeling slighted in some way and then lashing out. First she sits on it and lets it fester until it becomes this big, huge dragon in her mind. A fire breathing thing that threatens her very existence and, apparently, the only way to slay this dragon (a.k.a. me) is to slap it down with some well placed barbs to knock the wind out of it.

I used to fire right back - indignant and disbelieving that she would SAY such a thing to me! I didn't do or say anything to deserve this! I have learned, over the years, that in my mom's world 'Anything you do or say will be held against you' - tomorrow. It's exhausting.

Taking a step back has helped. Oh, I still write the initial email - I just don't send it. I tell my best friend Cyndi everything I WANT to say or I tell Rob, but I never send it. Because then THAT would be my fault, too. If I just wait her out then she will send a follow up email telling me she's sorry. Well, not sorry for what she SAID but sorry for the way she said it. But it's never her fault. It's always mine. I'm supposed to be apologetic and feel bad and take whatever I get dished out but the tables can never be turned unless she comes to it on her own.

My mother has become quite erratic lately. She has trouble holding down a job. She has trouble maintaining relationships. She finds fault with everyone, including her self, but can never see her part in the deterioration of her relationships and jobs. She self-medicates until we're worried about her, then she detoxes and decides to stop taking ALL of her meds until the cycle begins all over again.

My mother hurts me with her words. She wounds me very deeply. I can't walk away, though, because she is my mom and my kids adore their Nay-Nay. And I love her. I'm really trying to treat her how I want to be treated. What I keep saying in my head over and over after she emails me with my latest whipping is 'Seventy times seven'. 'Seventy times seven'.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22)

I joke that I'm on number 400 so I only have 90 more to go but I don't know how much of a joke it really is. Some days I don't know how many more times I can do this. It doesn't hurt any less with each additional time.

Perhaps I should thank her, though, for helping me to learn how I do NOT want to make my own daughters feel. I never, ever want my daughters to feel this way about me. Or my sons - any of my children - ever. I never want to have to come back and say, 3 days later, that I'm sorry that I always hurt them while saying in a public arena, for everyone to see, how wonderful they are.

But mostly? I just want her to love me the way I love my kids.

If and Then

2011-03-03T08:37:00.002-07:00

I recently read an article/blog post about how we shouldn't be rewarding our children for doing things. We shouldn't say to them, "If you clean up your room then we will go to the park." Or, "If you don't act like a complete monster while we are at mommy's friend's house then mommy will get you a donut on the way home."

Apparently it's called bribery (is that bad?) and we're not supposed to do it. If we do it then we are setting our kids up to only do things for rewards.

I guess I can see that. I can see what the write meant and all..but I hafta tell ya? Rewards and bribes have their place. WE operate on an 'If and Then' system of parenting here. For instance, the following things may or may not have been said in my house in the past week:

If you don't do your chores, then you will spend the rest of the evening alone in your bed.

If you clean up your trains then mommy will do a puzzle with you.

If you girls would clean up after dinner tonight then mom will be so happy and grateful.

If you don't stop kicking your brother in the face RIGHT NOW then I am going to put you in time out AND give you a penalty chore!

If you EVER spit on my kitchen floor again then I will make you lick it up. (What? Don't judge me.)

See? I don't see a whole lot of rewards or bribery in there. Hmm...I must be off my game this week. Honestly, though, I think that a well placed reward serves a purpose.

If you clean the kitchen, Rob, then I'll let you touch my boobs.

See??? Task=reward.

Shoot. Forgot to follow through on that one.

You're Grounded!

2011-03-01T07:57:00.003-07:00

Dear Justin Beiber,

Hi there! How are you? Are you back yet? I only ask because in the song that I hear the most you say that you're gone. All gone. Mistreated at the tender age of 16. Brokenhearted. Gone. Sadness.

I don't dislike you, Justin, I really don't. In all of the interviews I've seen of you, you seem like a good kid. I like that your lyrics aren't overtly sexual and that you recognize that the majority of your fans are screaming pre-pubescent girls. You do seem a tad obsessed with your hair but, hey, might as well be obsessed now before you're staring down the barrel of a bottle of Rogaine and meeting hair plug doctors in back alleys.

My problem with you is that you've invaded my life. My 9 year old sings your songs all day. She's "in love" with you. I'm sure she's smooched that posted of you hanging in her room but I really don't wanna know if she's making out with the wall.

Her obsession was bad. Then my husband took her to see the movie and, well, I had to listen to BOTH of them tell me all about you, Justin Beiber. My four year old walks around singing Baby, Baby, Baby ooooooooh....

You're everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In fact, now you're in MY head. That damn song is lodged so far in my brain it's like a booger you can't pick. It won't come out. It just sits there and plays in my head over and over and over. No wonder I have a migraine.

So, Justin, You're Grounded. That's right. You are grounded from singing in my house. Grounded from fake making out with my daughter in her dreams. Grounded from smiling on my television and talking about your life story (uh - you're a CHILD - how is it that you've written an autobiography about your life story already? THAT annoys me.)

How long? For however long it takes for me to get this damned song out of my head, Justin Beiber. And if Hanson's MmmmBop is any indication - that'll be awhile.

"You know you want me, you know you do..."

I do Justin, I want you...

to go away.

With Love,

heidi

Verbal Vomit

2011-02-28T09:17:00.003-07:00

I've really been into baking lately. Dunno what it is but I've been enjoying it a lot. Now, I don't do anything fancy - by any means! I dunno what the crap I'm doing half the time. Can't make anything gorgeous like Kameron's Cake Pops but I make a mean cookie. LOL I tried my hand at a Cold Oven Pound Cake and had a near disaster when half the bottom came off in the pan. Yay me! Anyway - I haven't been posting any of the recipes or anything over here because..well...I really don't have a reason other than I'm a bad blogger. But there's a bunch on my Facebook. Nice, right? LOL Well, that's where all my food p-orn is. Pictures, descriptions...all of it.

Guess who's a twit? Exactly. Me. And not just because I never get around to your blogs or leave any comments. Nope, because I signed up for a Twitter account last night. Feel free to follow me. I give you permission. I'm sure I will say many witty and profound things in my tweets. I can just feel the creative juices flowing at 140 characters or less.

I've been doing a QOTD on my FB page. I think I'll do one or two over here, too. Yk? LOL

Did ya get all that? Hmmm??

Oh, and look - my boy is 5 months old already!!!

Today's question over on FB:

Assuming that complete recovery were instantaneous, would you be willing to accept a year of total paralysis below the neck to prevent the otherwise certain extinction of a species of animal? Under what circumstances WOULD you accept Total Paralysis? To cure a type of cancer? To end child abuse? To wipe out a disease? To end hunger?

Ya Win Some, Ya Lose Some...

2011-02-27T10:19:00.003-07:00

And today someone is going to win some!!!

What? A $55 Gift Code to any of the CSN Stores.

Thank you all for all the entries, and if you hopped over here just to join a contest - thanks, too. Feel free to stay and watch me make a fool of myself on a consistent basis. :-)

The winner, according to the Random Integer Generator:

Congrats, Bridget!! I'll email you the prize code and you can get to shoppin'!!

Something for Almost Nothing

2011-02-25T09:09:00.004-07:00

It's been awhile since we (we? why do I always refer to myself as more than one person??) had a giveaway here at Sacred and Profane. I think it's about time, eh?

I've done some reviews for CSN Stores before, as I'm sure have many of you! They have a whole bunch of great stores and sell a bunch of great things like office furniture.

What's in this for you? How about a $55 Gift Certificate to spend at any of their stores? Sounds good to me! And if you play your cards right - you can spend it on something that has free shipping. That there is something for nothing, my friends! Well, almost nothing. You still have to enter.

All you have to do to enter is leave me a comment. I like to make your life easy. I don't need to know what you'd spend it on or anything else. Just leave me a comment! I'll leave the giveaway open until Saturday at Midnight Mountain Time and draw the winner on Sunday by Noon Mountain Time.

Good luck and Happy Friday!

I Lay Corrected

2011-02-22T09:55:00.004-07:00

I'd stand but laying just seems to fit this situation a bit better.

The other day I told you about the burning pits of hell descending upon my nether regions. I bad mouthed the KY Intense. I may or may not have scared a whole bunch of you into thinking that, when applied, your girl parts would spontaneously combust - and not in a good way.

I need to make some corrections.

First of all - we bought the wrong stuff. Because we're smart like that. (I say we but I really mean Rob.) We bought the Ky Yours & Mine gel. It's warming gel. I suppose it did get rather warm, didn't it? Kind of like dry humping a heating pad.

I stand by my previous statements - that stuff is not good. It is bad, bad, very bad. It made me want to drag myself across the carpet like a dog with worms.

But, we still wanted to try the Intense because we'd heard some good stuff about it! So, we tried it. Twice. The first time it didn't do anything for me. We thought maybe my head just wasn't in the game, yk? It's been a long couple of weeks here with strep, sinus infections, ear infections and RSV. Mama's tired. Plus, we'd already had sex twice that week which is nearly my MONTHLY quota. So we chalked the lack of firepower up to that.

Then we tried it again. Are you sitting there waiting for me to tell you about how mind blowing it was? Well, I COULD tell you that but it would be more of a testament to Rob than to KY Intense. Once again, there was nothing. Perhaps my hoo-ha lacks proper sensation from vaginally birthing 5 children? Naw. We're just, apparently, in the 17% of the population that this stuff doesn't work for. Yay us!

On the plus side? It didn't make my crotch feel like I was straddling the sun naked.

That was Intense...

2011-02-14T08:36:00.002-07:00

Dear K-Y,

After watching all the commercials and hearing all the hype about your K-Y Intense Lubricant, we could resist no longer. We had to try it. Well, I mean, we LIKE Intensity, yk?

Listen, I just don't think it lived up to the hype. Neither Rob nor I ended up on the wrong end of the bed. No one smoked after wards. Oh, the sex was good and all - but it's generally always good. (Hello? We HAVE 5 kids!)

The one thing I didn't expect, though, was for my crotch to burn like a hooker with an STD. Holy cats, batman!

I guess you could say that Rob fell in to a "burning ring of fire". *snicker*

We'll give it one more shot, but I might need to build up some courage, first!

Me and my crotch of fire are regretfully not sold.

heidi

Can I offer you a Halls?

2011-02-08T20:45:00.003-07:00

Things I'm tired of hearing:

Coughing

Gagging

Hacking

Whining

Crying

Moaning

Coughing

Seriously. I think I might lose my mind if people don't stop friggin' coughing around here.

Love,

heidi who is stuck in the land of Strep Throat and Sinus Infections

That's Weird, Al.

2011-02-01T12:35:00.002-07:00

I love to watch cooking shows. My favorites are the cooking competition shows, but I'll really watch any of them (except Giada. Can't STAND her.) Since we don't have cable I watch most of my cooking shows on the PBS Create channel or on Hulu. Master Chef, Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen, Iron Chef America, Chopped, Worst Cooks in America - love them. Since I'm such a connoisseur of cooking shows, I thought I throw out an idea to all of you producers that are reading my blog right now for inspiration. (ha!)

In all of my viewing of TV cooking shows, I have yet to see one that would work in my reality. Never is my kitchen empty and devoid of all other human beings. 30 Minute Meals? Rachael, honey, it takes me 30 minutes to peel the kids off of me and get INTO the kitchen. Cooking for Real? Puh-lease. For real entails math homework, screaming babies and fighting kids while another young person tries to dig in the fridge because they're hungry and just can't wait and daddy is calling to say he has to work late. The TV is on, the kids are talking back and forth the computer is on...I don't have the time nor the luxury to put together something fabulous and to wander through my garden picking herbs I grew myself. Besides, by the time I get it to the table they've inhaled it before I can even sit down. At our house, we end up praying and thanking God for our food AFTER we eat more often than not. Nice, huh?

So that's what I'm proposing, food programming producers and network bigwigs. A cooking show with a mom trying to get dinner on the table. Nothing fancy but something yummy. Something that can be created in the midst of chaos. We could call it 'Witching Hour'. No? How about 'That IS Dinner!'? 'Sit down and eat'? 'This isn't a restaurant!'?

'Just eat it.'

Perplexity

2011-01-26T09:12:00.003-07:00

quan·da·ry/ˈkwänd(ə)rē/Noun

1. Perplexity or uncertainty over what to do in a difficult situation: "heidi is in a quandary".

2. A difficult situation; a practical dilemma.

Ugh.

This summer my Grandfather is turning 80. The family is getting together for a reunion/birthday celebration of sorts at a location that is approximately an 11 hour drive (not counting stops) from here. My Grandfather is also in the early stages of Alzheimers or Dementia (hasn't been determined which, yet, I guess) so this could be the last chance I have to see him while he's still lucid and knows who I am.

A trip of this magnitude will not be cheap. We can stay with family for most of the trip with 1 or two nights at a campground or hotel. But gas? Oy. Plus all the other expenses that come with road trips. It would mean taking $1,000 from our tax return and putting it on the trip.

I'm not close to my grandparents but I do love them. They're my grandparents! I would like to see my grandpa before he doesn't know who I am anymore. The problem is I feel like I'm stealing from my family to do it.

Sis needs two teeth pulled and a spacer put in. We need a new vehicle. We need to pay off the hospital and our credit card. If we go on the trip, 1 or more of these things will not get done.

So what do I do? The kids would have a blast on the trip and, as a bonus, I would get to see my best friend from when I was 12 that my oldest daughter is named after. I don't really get along with most of my family and whenever there's a get together it ends in drama and people not speaking to each other. If we go on the trip then other things that need done will have to be put on hold for an indefinite amount of time. But it might be the last chance I have to see my grandpa.

Ugh.

What would you do??

Stupid Cold

2011-01-20T08:32:00.003-07:00

Dear Columbia:

When you contacted me and asked me to field test one of your new Omni Heat Jackets I admit that I was both flattered and confused. Well, and really, really happy because I was getting a nice new expensive coat out of the deal. You know, in the interest of full disclosure and all.

I'm not an outdoor sport kind of person. I'm certainly not an outdoor WINTER sport kind of person. I haven't been skiing since I was a kid - never been snow shoeing - think winter camping was born of the devil. So I couldn't figure out why you'd want me, of all people, to "field test" a coat.

Then it dawned on me that maybe you were trying to get the message out that your product was NOT just for people that were active in outdoor cold weather sports. Because, like most people, I like to actually stay warm when I go outside and watch the kids sled or when I run from the house to the car and the car to the store and vice versa. So I stopped fretting that I was going to have to go out and rent some skis or something and just put the darned coat on.

Here's a list of places I wore my new Omni Heat Jacket:

To start the car
To the grocery store
To the Mall
To take my kids to school
To watch my kids sled
To watch my kids Ice Skate
To shovel the walk
To get the mail

See? I AM active in the winter. Heh. I have to tell you, though, that I was pleasantly surprised by this jacket! It is seriously lightweight. I'm talking spring jacket feeling. I live in Montana and we have some Arctic Fronts that make the snot freeze right up in your nose and your limbs freeze and just break off (the first week I wore it the temps were well below zero!). Just didn't see how it was going to keep me warm - but it did! And it wasn't bulky or make me feel like Nanook of the North while I was wearing it.

My only real beef was that I have large hips and too much junk in my trunk. Oh, wait - what does that have to do with a coat? Nothing really - except the jacket was cut more for people with a slender build so, while it fit great up top, it was too snug for my liking on the bottom. BUT I didn't get to try on this jacket first - so it might just be this particular jacket and not ALL of Columbia or Omni Heat things.

Oh, you've already seen pictures of me in the jacket. Remember these?

That's my new coat. :-)

We took a couple others but the darn sun was so bright I couldn't even open my eyes!

Bet those won't end up in a marketing campaign somewhere, eh? Eat your heart out, Klum.

Anyway. Thanks for the coat, yo.

Warmly,
heidi

The shame of It

2011-01-14T13:50:00.002-07:00

Dear Sienna:

You have seen 2 of your siblings be born. You have sat through numerous developmental discussions through each of your three brother's pregnancies. You watched a Nova special about conception and development - including a money shot delivery! We've had versions of "The Talk" for the past 3 years. I gave you a book to read with information on things like menstruation and development.

So you can understand why I was confused that you failed your sex ed test.

When you brought the test home for me to look at just one thing stuck out at me...

After all that you've been taught and all that you've seen with your own two eyes why would you answer that a fetus develops and grows ...

... in the scrotum?

I'm sure your daddy is extra thankful that is not the case.

The scrotum. *shaking my head*

Love,
Mom

Ice Skates and Loogies

2011-01-10T09:35:00.003-07:00

The girls and I took off Saturday afternoon so they could go ice skating. Sienna is pretty good at it but boy did Cara have a tough time! She didn't give up, though, and eventually got it in the end.

(Click to make bigger)

It was a fun time! After ice skating I went ahead and kicked their butts at tether ball. Since, yk, I'm taller and all they never got much past the serve. HA! I'm a good mom.

Then we sat on the swings and had a loogie hawking contest. I won because my phlegm was sturdier and I have way more hot air than they do.

We had fun. I love my girlies. You know you wanna hang with us.

Oh! There was some crazy woman there, too. She just kept chasing Sienna singing this song. It was so annoying!

Word.

Seriously Sacred

2010-12-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a good long while since I shared pictures. So, I'm sharing the ones we got for the grandparents this year.

My big 4 year old, Corban:

My sweet 2 year old, Brennan:

My amazing 9 year old, Cara:

My beautiful 11 year old, Sienna (love this picture! My friend Dana did some work on it, I Heart Faces style! You should check her out, she can fix your photos, too. It's her business and she's good at it!):

The little love, Keaton, at 6 weeks:

The whole fam damily:

Photos by Robin.

3 Months Migraine Free!!!

2010-12-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Which means, of course, that Keaton is 3 months old already. LOL He's such a sweet baby.. Once we got his dietary issues worked out he became the best baby, I swear. (No, he doesn't sleep through the night but he only wakes twice so I'll take it!) He's a smiley happy baby about 95% of the time. Unless,of course, mommy is not around - then it upsets him greatly. At his last check up (a month ago) he was 12 lbs 8 oz (nearly double the weight he was when we brought him home). Boy loves to eat! He's got congenital tortecollis so we have to do icky stretches and his head always sits to the side - but we're working on it!

My life is better because he's in it!

Oh, and he LOVES his siblings. :-)

Seriously Secret

2010-12-21T06:52:00.002-07:00

No, I'm not pregnant again. (Yet! HA! LOL) It's just been awhile since we opened the floor up for you guys to spew forth your thoughts. So, here it is - your forum. Get it off your chest NOW so you don't explode later. ;-)

Got a rant? Want to sing someone's praises? Need to share a secret that you're DYING to tell? This is for you, then.

Sometimes we all need to blow off some steam. We have something we just NEED to get off of our chests but we can't say it in certain company. You know - people you KNOW read your blog or it's something you just can't say IRL to anyone. Well, say it here, now. Say it under your own name or anonymously. Spill your secret, sing some praises or rant your rant. You can even post anonymously!

Ready? Go!

Helpful Hint from heidi

2010-12-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

No matter HOW tired you are, it is IMPERATIVE that you put the lid onto the percolating coffee pot before you attempt to brew coffee. Otherwise you just have a big mess and no coffee.

You're welcome.

For other little pearls of wisdom, click here.

Boob Tube Holder

2010-12-17T07:07:00.004-07:00

I hate our entertainment center. It's not disgusting or anything but it just holds too much crap. Isn't that funny? We're always looking for things to hold stuff and for storage and here I am complaining that it holds too much stuff. The problem is that, because it holds so much stuff, there's always a ton of junk on it. Movies EVERYWHERE and it becomes a place for people to set things and then just leave them there. No matter how I clean or rearrange it, it still looks messy. Drives me batty!

I was looking for a new tv stand and decided that I don't want to give up storage, entirely, even though I like things like this:

I know there's a little storage underneath but I think, ultimately, I'd really prefer a armoire type of tv stand.

Like this:

Then I can just close the doors on any clutter and no one even has to know it's there!

What kind of tv stand do you have? What do you recommend??

Look! A Vlog!

2010-12-16T12:34:00.002-07:00

Wow. That's a fantastic still frame shot. Just gorgeous! Ignore the background "music". Jeepers! It looked like I was tossin my kid around like a doll! I swear I wasn't. I sat him up on the table, that's all.

Seriously Profane

2010-12-14T14:59:00.005-07:00

It's been awhile since I've shared any Seriously Profane or Seriously Sacred things....but this one just needs to be shared.

This past weekend Rob and I found ourselves (found? Try carefully orchestrated!) with just the baby in our care. We finished up our Christmas shopping and decided to go eat somewhere that didn't put a prize in it's kids meals. We were checking out some places online, trying to determine where to go. I have special dietary issues (blah blah blah) so we can't just go eat wherever we want. Rob suggested Perkins and we were off to see if there was something there I could eat.

While on Perkins site, Rob saw the Nutritional Calculator off to the side and decided to plug in his stand-by dish to see what was what. That man is hereby FORBIDDEN from ordering that thing more than once a year. (Listen, I would prefer he NEVER ordered it again but I know him and he will.)

The description from the Perkins site for Homestyle Pot Roast:

Oven-roasted and served with grilled onions, green peas and rich brown gravy.

Seems innocuous enough, no? No. It's not. It's a coronary bypass in disguise.

Do you see what I see? 2090 mg of sodium? In ONE meal?! Look at that saturated fat! And the cholesterol!!!!! I mean, really!!!!

Oh, but wait...that's NOTHING. Check this bad boy out...

Oh yeah. I'll have the Butterball Turkey and Dressing with a side of high blood pressure and a heart attack for dessert please.

HOLY CRAP!

Prefer the Pot Pie? You might want to go ahead and order a casket on the side.

Maybe you should play it safe and just order a salad? Honey Mustard Chicken Crunch Salad:

Ugh. Perkins is ....

Helpful Hint from heidi

2010-12-06T08:50:00.002-07:00

There I was, popping popcorn on Saturday night for the kids and I. It was popping up nicely at a good pace and I was shaking the pan for maximum pop. It got full and I removed it from the heat and prepared to pour it in the bowl. That's when it happened. It was horrible and terrible and painful.

I took the lid off the pan.

I turned the pan to pour the popcorn.

And a rogue kernel popped OUT of the pan....

and DOWN my shirt.

Not just down my shirt but down into my bra where it wedged itself.

I dropped the pan into the bowl and yelped! "HOT! HOT" HOT" OUCH! Oh $#!t!"

I lifted my shirt and my bra and the kernel, fresh from the hot oil of a pan, fell to the floor.

With tears in my eyes and help the affected area gently and inspected the damage. That damn kernel did some damage! It was stuck in my bra, against my skin for nearly 30 seconds and managed to burn through several layers of skin!!! And, as something burns and smolders it spreads, so I have a burn mark twice the size of a popcorn kernel on the inside of my right boob. I'd show you, but this isn't that kind of blog, yo.

The moral of the story? Put your cleavage away when popping popcorn - and watch out for those rouge kernels.

Another Helpful Hint from heidi.

I have a Theory...

2010-12-04T13:51:00.002-07:00

I've often wondered what happens to make kids go from the age where they believe what we say with unquestioning trust to never believing any word that ever passes our lips. How does that happen? How do I go from being all knowing and wonderful to being a moron that knows nothing? It's so confusing.

Today I came up with a theory. Hear me out here...

As a baby when you burp you're congratulated for the sound that comes out of you. *BELCH* Oh, goooood boy! Nice burp! Thank you! We giggle and laugh when they fart so loud the walls shake. The older they get, the less cute it becomes. Stop burping at the table, son. Don't fart in front of people, dear. That's gross. Might wanna check your underwear after that one.

Kids perspective: Wait...so it was cute when I had no control over it and now that I do it's gross? But now I can do it on command so you can laugh more often! Why isn't it funny anymore?

When our kids are little we tell them to say 'Hi' to the strange lady and to shake hands with the man they've never met. If they shy away we tell them not to be rude and then we cluck at the stranger and try and hide our embarassment at the complete lack of social skills our prodigy possesses. Then, as they get older, we drill into their heads that they should NEVER talk to a stranger.

Kids perspective: Wait..so which is it? I'm naughty for being rude and not talking to the stranger or I should NEVER talk to strangers? Pick one already! I want that candy that man is holding out the car window and I don't wanna be rude!

We tell them about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny. We play these things up with great pomp and circumstance! Santa is coming! The Tooth Fairy brought you FIVE DOLLARS! Oh, look what the Easter Bunny brought! All the while we tell them that it is, without a doubt, wrong to lie. They should never, ever, ever, ever, ever tell a lie. Liars suck. No one likes liars. Then they find out Santa and his posse are all made up. That they were *gasp* lied to.

Kids perspective: Wait..so which is it? You can lie but I can't? Lying is bad? Lying is ok as long as it's fun?

No wonder they reach a certain age where nothing we say can possibly be true. I'm not even sure *I* believe me anymore!

False Advertising!

2010-12-02T09:59:00.002-07:00

I was watching 'Don't Forget The Lyrics' (which I could TOTALLY win) with a bunch of kids when a Kay Jewelers commercial came on. Have you seen it? Super freaking Cheesy. It's the one where there's a storm and then there's lightening *crash* and thunder *boom* and the poor scared woman turns to her lover and hides her poor little face. He says, like a big strong man, "Don't worry, I'm right here....and I always will be." Bahahahahaha!! Seriously? Ok, anyway...that's not even the point. The point is, we all sang the jingle...you know how it goes, you sang it already, didn't you? Every Kiss begins with 'Kay'. La la la. NOW you sang it, right? Ok. Good.

So I said - "Well, at least they got something right - every kiss DOES begin with the letter K." And that's when it happened. I got schooled by 11 and 12 year olds.

"No it doesn't," Sis said. "What about 'smooch'? That's a kiss that doesn't start with 'k'."

"What about peck?" asked another 11 year old girl.

"Yeah!" said a 12 year old boy. "And French Kiss doesn't either..it starts with F. So does.."

NO! No it doesn't. We're done with the 'F's, young Jedi. Wax on, Wax off. Move it along. Even though I have NO idea what he was going to say, definitively - I can only imagine.

In conclusion, (Really? Conclusion? Have I even made any points or sense at ALL here?)we call foul. Every Kiss does NOT begin with 'Kay'.

Oh. Here's that cheesy commercial if you want to see it.

12 Days of Christmas

2010-11-28T08:10:00.002-07:00

Three years ago, the girls and I started a new family tradition. Each year at Christmas we come up with 12 things we can do to show kindness to other people. Then we set about completing them in the 12 days before Christmas. We do this to take the focus off of ourselves - off of what we're going to get and what we want and to put it on other people and addressing their needs.

Here is our first year: Year One
And our Second Year: Year Two

We were inspired by this song and made it our prayer:

And this verse:

Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, When it is in your power to do it. -Proverbs 3:27

The things you do don't have to be monumental or expensive. Sometimes it's the small, quiet acts of kindness that mean the most. In the process of showing kindness to other people, you'll show kindness to yourself.

Here's our list for this year:

Shovel Someone's Walk Anonymously
Bake Treats for Neighbor & Ding Dong Ditch Them
Give Blood (heidi)
Collect all the change in the house and put it in a Salvation Army red bucket
Buy and give flowers to a random person
Make a Wreath and Leave it on Someones Door Anonymously
Deliver Dinner Anonymously to a Neighbor
Give Hot Drinks to People Holding Signs
Buy a Toy for Toys for Tots
Deliver Stuffed Animals to Domestic Abuse Shelter
Buy Groceries for a Family at Church that needs them & Ding Dong Ditch them
Christmas Party for Neighborhood Kids

Since we're going out of town for Christmas, we've had to modify it a bit. Instead of doing this for the 12 days leading up to Christmas, we're doing them throughout the month of December but before Christmas. The premise and results are still the same. :-)

We invite you to join us! Start a new tradition in your family. Spread some love. Resonate Kindness. Feel free to snag the button and post it. If you need a list of ideas - here's some we came up with a few years ago.

Merry Christmas!!

Yummalicious x 2

2010-11-23T10:50:00.004-07:00

Made this for dinner last night and it was a HIT! Oh, um, my mushrooms were slimy so we didn't use them and, uh, no one really likes green or peppers so we didn't use those, either. And my family mostly picked out the chicken so next time I won't even waste the time or money. HA! But, yk, overall a hit! I didn't get to have any because it's full of dairy and nuts and stuff I can't have, but it looked yummy. Corban, my picky eater, had FIVE helpings!

Chicken al Diavlo Penne

Serves 4-5

2-3 chicken breasts, cut into chunks
1 green or red pepper, sliced (or half of each...it looks really pretty that way)
1 cup sliced mushrooms
1 lb penne
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1 jar Alfredo
2 heaping tbsp pesto

Put a large pot of salted water on to boil. Add pasta when boiling.

In a frying pan over medium high heat, heat 1 tbsp oil and saute chicken for about 3-4 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, add mushrooms and chili flakes and continue to fry a few more minutes until no longer pink. Add sliced peppers and saute for about 4-5 minutes (this still leaves them with a bit of crunch which is how my husband loves it...if you like them softer, add them with the mushrooms). Once all the veggies and chicken is sauteed, add the jar of alfredo and pesto. Stir and turn down heat to low. Simmer for a couple minutes until the pasta is done.

Drain pasta and toss with sauce.

I got it from Meal Planning 101 - the picture is hers, too. I would've taken a picture but by the time I get dinner ready there are people screaming to eat like they haven't eaten in a year.

Another? Ok. I made Whoopie Pies for our after school snack yesterday. The kids made mmmmmm-ing noises the whole time they ate them and asked for another. I'm mean and I said no because, yk, there's enough sugar in ONE of those puppies for a week. Oh - I baked them for more like 8-10 minutes and make sure you don't make them too big or they'll not cook right. The spread a bit during cooking so watch for that and make SURE you grease your sheets! (Cookie sheets. If you wanna grease your bed sheets that's between you and your lov-uh.) {(Makin' Whoopie...greased sheets...oh, the double entendres are KILLING me!)

Whoopie Pies

* 1 egg
* 1/3 c. vegetable oil
* 1 c. sugar
* 2 c. unsifted all-purpose flour
* 1/3 c. unsweetened cocoa
* 1 tsp. baking soda
* 1/4 tsp. salt
* 3/4 c. milk
* 1 tsp. vanilla
* Filling (recipe follows)

Heat oven to 350 F. Grease two large cookie sheets and set aside. In a large bowl with mixer at medium speed beat egg and vegetable oil. Gradually beat in sugar and continue beating until pale yellow in color. In another bowl, combine flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt. In a measuring cup combine milk and vanilla. Add flour and milk mixtures alternately to eggs and sugar, beginning and ending with dry ingredients. Drop by tablespoons onto cookie sheet. These will spread a lot, so make 6 cakes per sheet at a time. Bake about 5 minutes or until top springs back when lightly touched with finger. Remove to wire racks to cool. When cool, use filling and two cakes to make sandwiches. Makes 15.

Filling:

* 1/2 c. butter or margarine
* 1 c. confectioners' sugar
* 1 c. Marshmallow Fluff (about 1/2 of a 7 1/2-oz. jar)
* 1 tsp. vanilla

In a medium bowl with mixer at medium speed, beat butter and remaining ingredients until light and fluffy.

Recipe from here.

Both recipes were supremely easy to make. :-) I have a bunch more from the Meal Planning 101 site on my menu that I'm excited about making! She has some yummy looking stuff over there!

Captain Make-Do!

2010-11-21T22:27:00.003-07:00

I've decided what my superhero name is going to be. I thought long and hard - well, ok I thought for like 3 minutes about it but it was a long, hard 3 minutes! I want to be known as Captain Make-Do. Oh, I forgot the fan fare....DUH-DUH-DUUUUH!!! CAPTAIN MAKE-DO!!! No, I know - you're wondering why not Super Mommy or Wonder Wife, right? Sure, I get it. I gotta tell ya, those are just played out. Super is just over used and completely common. How many people do you see walking around with 'Supergirl' written on some piece of clothing? Exactly. Every Tonya, Deloris and Hannah. And Wonder Woman? Puh-lease. I already have a hard enough time getting Rob to keep his paws off of me - can you imagine if I started running around looking like Wonder Woman? I'd never get the dishes done. Captain is just under used and, frankly, under appreciated. What about some of these great Captains?

Right?! And the Supreme Captain of superheroes...

So I'd be in great company. I'll be Captain Make-Do and my motto will be 'You get what you get and you don't throw a fit!'

What? You need 7 eggs and you only have 4? MAKE DO! (Find a recipe with 4 eggs!)

You have two socks but they don't match? MAKE DO! (Who sees your feet anyway?!)

Your husband's car broke down and you've got to reconfigure everyone's schedule to fit with ONE vehicle? MAKE DO! (Change Plans!)

You're losing income this month because 1 kid is moving? MAKE DO! (Eat more beans!)

You can't drink because you're nursing? MAKE DO! (Eat Potato Chips!)

What do you tell your 4 year old when he's sitting on the toilet in Target asking 50 thousand million billion questions? MAKE DO DAMNIT! (No, truly - make do and let's move on already!)

See? FUN!

I promise not to wear spandex. Outside my clothing, anyway. You can't tell me not to wear it underneath my clothes. Because we all know that if you take the D and E out of spandex, you have Spanx. Think of it as my superhero costume. And my diaper bag is like my tool belt. Duh-Duh-Duuuh!!!

Captain Make Do at your service!!

One Thing Leads to Another

2010-11-15T13:42:00.002-07:00

I love the Internet. I don't know how we ever lived without it. I love having all t his information at my fingertips. I love being able to sit down to check my email and get up 3 hours later, unsure of where the time went or what, exactly, I was doing. HA!

I just wasted an inordinate amount of time on YouTube. Have you ever gone looking for a song and then just started clicking on the links in the suggestion sidebar after listening to the song? FUN! I just took a trip back through long hair and awesome music.

It all started with "December" by Collective Soul. The lyric .."turn your head baby and spit me out"...popped in my head and I had to go find out what the song was. That lead me to "Lightning Crashes" by Live. Which lead me back to Collective Soul and "Shine" and then on to "Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three. From there I totally rocked out to "Inside Out" by Eve 6. I LOVE Eve 6! Blink 182, Goo Goo Dolls, Everclear, Sum 41...and suddenly it's been an hour and I have done NOTHING.

But at least I listened to some awesome music. And now I've wasted 10 more minutes blogging about it. I'm awesome. Well, huh, you just wasted 3 minutes reading about it so I guess that makes you the bigger time waster, eh? ;-)

Happy Monday!!

I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rind but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside, swallow my doubt turn it inside out, find nothing but faith in nothing.

Wanna to put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous then I'm through...now I'm through...with you. THROUGH WITH YOU!

Round Table Discussion

2010-11-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

My kitchen table is getting too small. I have 5 kids that I have to feed - well, one of them doesn't quite eat at the table yet - HA! So I have 4 kids that eat at the table plus 1 husband (no brother husbands, here). Add to that the multitude of kids that drop by at various times for food - after school for snack and homework I usually have at least 4 extra kids and dinner I can count on at least one extra kid 5 days a week. Right now we're all crowded around 1 little table and it's just not working for us. I've been checking out some new tables and I really like the drop leaf tables that I've been seeing.

Our dining room isn't formal, by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm no decorating diva so I'm not looking for anything formal or fancy.

I'd love something nice and long like this:

Photo courtesy of Dining Rooms Direct.

I think the kitchen/dining room table is one of the most important places in the house. Eating together as a family is something I insist on daily. I like hearing about the kids day. I like sitting together after dinner and talking. I love playing around with them while we have our special dessert after family worship on Friday nights. Playing cards with Rob. Lingering over a glass of wine while talking. Laughing so hard milk comes shooting out of your nose. A lot of good, happy memories happen at the family table...

...even if we are all sitting on each other's laps. :-)

Seeing My Reflection

2010-10-29T09:16:00.004-06:00

More and more I've become somewhat of a recluse. When I was younger I would want to always go out, do something, be somewhere. I longed to be surrounded by people and to communicate with them. In my teen years and early 20's that meant parties and hanging out. After I had kids it meant doing church stuff - organizing activities, teaching, leading out. As I got a little older I took it further and became a blood drive coordinator for the Red Cross and I ran our town's branch of the Food Bank. My need to be social combined with my desire to be useful and to help people.

Life has a way of wearing you down, though, and I no longer feel the pull to surround myself with people. The desire and yearning for social activity and companionship has actually reversed itself. Now, when presented with the opportunity to attend an activity or be with people, I try and find an excuse to not go. To not engage. I send Rob and the kids but I'm happy as a lark to stay behind and not have to deal with the song and dance of trying to interact.

For awhile it made me lonely and felt like a self-imposed prison. Now it just feels normal. In fairness, when we were dealing with the early stage of Corban and his melt downs and aversion to people, crowds, touching and all sorts of stimuli, I folded the two of us in a cocoon and gradually started easing him out as he could handle. Lately, though, I've been reflecting on this behavior of mine. Probably because of something Rob said in regards to our church harvest party. I told him I didn't know if I was going or not and he said I couldn't be a recluse forever.

Why don't I want to be with people? I like to flippantly say that I just don't like people. They irritate me. But that's not true - I do like people. I like the interaction. I enjoy helping people and being helpful.

Perhaps I'm trying to protect myself. Maybe I'm the cliche case of "I've been hurt too many times so I'm not going to give people the opportunity again." And while we laugh at that, I'm about 95% certain that is the biggest reason I don't want to connect with people. When they get close, I push. I'm fine with casual acquaintances and superficial "friendship" but I don't want to delve into the depths of what goes on in my head or how I feel with anyone. Well, anyone but Rob. He's the one exception. Oh, there are the few exceptions of friends - but for the most part we don't go too deep.

Now I have to wonder if I am lonely. Am I kidding myself when I say I'm not? Would it really be honest of me to say I'd rather be with just my kids and Rob? Do I miss it? Am I longing for something that I used to have?

Who knows.

Helpful Hint from heidi

2010-10-22T09:53:00.002-06:00

Newborn baby poop can fly quite far.

If you change a babies diaper - especially a baby boy - you should be wary of being hit with pee as soon as you open the diaper. You should also be wary of things streaming from other orifices, as well. Even if you wait 15 min from the last little squirt to ensure that all evacuating procedures were complete before changing his diaper, you could be surprised when you are wiping his bum and a stream of bright yellow-green curded poo comes flying out and shoots across the room.

Good thing he's cute.

What? You think it's funny that he crapped all over me and the floor? Well, so does he.

I'm Spinning Right Round, Baby, Right Round.

2010-10-18T09:10:00.003-06:00

...Like a record baby, right round..round round.

I keep thinking I'll be able to get back here and post something. I think I put too much pressure on myself for it to be profound or funny or something. Really, I'm just over here trying to make it to the end of the day, most days! The first 6 weeks with a new baby are brutal, man. Add to that 4 other kids plus the rest of them that have adopted us as well as two part-time jobs and cleaning the house and and and...*gasp*

Wah wah wah. LOL Seriously? I love this commercial.

Note to self: Quit yer whining, ya jack wagon.

Hope your Monday is grand. And if you found this post (blog!) lacking in substance and humor - go check out this one, instead. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.