Feeling UnFunny

I know you come here to laugh. Me too. But I've just been feeling so unfunny lately. I'm exhausted and can only make lists. And speak in short, choppy sentences. These things exhaust me:

1 - picking up wet towels and clothes off my 9 & 12 year old's bedroom CARPET day after day. They're missing the "put things away" gene (perhaps they are secretely male? They can't ever FIND anything either).
2 - sleeping sitting up on the couch or rocker holding the baby who won't sleep unless we do it that way. He's laying down either way so I'm not sure why MY positioning matters.
3 - cleaning up "accidents" from Brennan. Yesterday he peed in his hair and on the ceiling. Yes, the ceiling. He pointed his penis the wrong way, he says.
4 - Keaton's therapy. He has to wear a blocking collar now and he hates it. I hope he doesn't get into S & M when he's older. I'm not sure why all of the children in the pictures I found of that collar are so damned happy. Keaton is most definitely NOT happy when it's on.
5 - Corban is going back to Occupational Therapy and has to go in for another evaluation for an "official diagnosis" other than SPD. He has to do this before he is 5 and no longer falls under the early intervention heading. He turns 5 July 7th. The place we were referred is booked through June. People should really work harder to accommodate my needs.
6 - Cara's birthday is in 2 weeks and I have nothing planned and no invitations ready for any party. Must not let her down, again, like when I forgot to bring snack to girl scouts or forgot to take her to the Fly-Up ceremony two weeks ago.
7 - End of year concerts blow. Yeah, I know - weepy weepy sad. Whatever. I hate sitting through those things. Dragging the three boys to sit through them with me? #canigetasupersizedvaliumtogoplease
8 - how much laundry can one family generate? Why is every towel in the house dirty right now? Is it completely necessary to change clothes EVERY day?
9 - it's time to make the monthly menu. How about it looks like this: Mac n cheese, hot dogs, sandwiches, cereal, take out, leftovers, repeat. Good, no?
10 - children fighting and arguing. "He touched me she touched me she spit on me he smacked me she took my hoody without asking he stole my guy he won't give me my car back she won't stop looking at me Mom! he's copying me Mom! she is chewing too loudly." Oh! I know! How about SHUT UP!

I think my supermom tool belt is broken. Send replacement soon.

P.S. If you could develop a stealth mode shield for me, I'd be grateful.

7 Things You Shouldn't Do While Drinking #wineparty

I feel it's important to impart this wisdom to you. Obviously this is not from personal experience by any means. I just heard about this from a friend of a friend. Honest.

1. Drive. Anything. This is the only serious thing. Remember this:

"I will not, should not, can not drive a car
or truck home from the bar.
I will not, should not, can not get on a Harley
because if I wreck it will be gnarly.
I will not, should not, can not ride a bike
or skateboard or, yk, probably even a trike.
I will not, should not, can not even talk
Here's my keys, can you help me walk? (I'll show you my boobs if you do!)"

2. Facebook.

The next morning you frantically look through your "Previous Activity" and hope to God that you didn't make an ass of yourself. What did you comment on? Did you say "Shake my ass" on the wall of a minor kid you know? Did you send a message to an old friend and sob while you apologized for a transgression that only YOU remember? How many people commented on your status update that read, "Who wants to see my boobs?!?!?"

3. Text.

Anyone. Just, don't. Of course, if you're lucky your texts will look like this, "Iuj hyyuk wllo annit!!! HA! LOL!!!" Because your fat, drunk fingers can't manvuer around the tiny keyboard. But generally there's some text the next morning, as you scroll through your messages, that says, "Woooohoooo!! I'm showin' off my boobs!!! Come down to the bar and see them!!!"

We interrupt this list to bring you a note from our sponsors. This post has been brought to you by heidi while she was sipping on the following..




4. Call Anyone.

No one needs to talk to you. There are no amends to be made. I promise. There is nothing you need to say right this second that can't wait until tomorrow while you're laying in bed wishing you were dead. If you still want to say it then, call. But calling someone to say, "Damn, I miss you. I'm so sorry we broke up..I wish you could be here right now. Remember my boobs? They're awesome, right? Wooooo! I'm flashing you right now! Pretend you can see!!!"

5. Tweet.

#wineparty sounds like fun, right? A bunch of people sitting around, tweeting and drinking - oh, it doesn't have to be wine - that's just the hashtag for fun. Like: Press 1 if you're sober. Press 2 if you're smoking medical mary jane. Press #wineparty to tweet things you'll wish you could take back the next day. Nothing like waking up slowly the next morning and wondering..Oh. My. Gosh. Did I say that? DID I TWEET THAT? Ohmygosh ohmygosh...who saw it? Can I delete it? ohmygosh ohmygosh! Chances are? It's already been retweeted and you, my friend, are infamous.

6. Email

Similar thread here. Don't call, don't text, don't email. It's permanent. You can't undo it. And you'll say stupid stuff like, "I really hope you can forgive me for what I did when we were in high school! It was so terrible the way we treated you and said "Hallo" to you because you had really bad breath. It was our own private joke about your halitosis. I'm really sorry about that. Remember that time we showed those guys on State Street our boobs?? Woooooo! That was fun!!! I'm sorry I insulted your boobs and said they were weird and misshapen. Mine are now, if that makes you feel any better."


7. Blog.

You never know what you're going to say when you're drinking. That 1 glass of wine turns in to 3 and then suddenly you're saying things that you are forever engraving in everyone's minds. For.Ev.Er. Then suddenly you're talking about showing people your boobs and how weird and misshapen your boobs are after nursing 5 kids. It becomes uncomfortable and you should never, ever blog while.......

What Happens In Vegas....

...I have no idea how to finish that sentence because I've never BEEN to Vegas. Wait. That's a lie. I went when I was 12. So it doesn't really count, does it? I couldn't drink or play the slots. I went to Wendover when I was 19 pretending to be 21 with a fake ID. That's ALMOST enough...but not quite.

I suppose you'd like me to get to the point? Ok then.

I want to go to Vegas. I want to renew my vows with a super handsome guy that I've been married to for 15 years this June. I want to go meet some fun people I've met via twitter and blogger. And? I really just want a vacation.

Alas, we can not afford one...so I'm seeking corporate sponsorship. Yeah, I'll wear a shirt or hand out samples or, yk, something...no tattoos...that's weird....and forever. But here's what I was thinking...

Dear K-Y -

I know I've posted some less than positive reviews of your K-Y Intense (link to my review. Hilarity ensues.) and K-Y His & Hers (Oh! Look! More hilarity at my expense.) but I need to let you know something rather important.

I've had 5 kids. After having 5 kids I can say with some certainty that sex after childbirth is scarier than a bowel movement after childbirth. And it's never as fun for the woman as it is the man. The sex, not the bowel movement. I have no idea if that's fun for men or not. Uh, I don't really WANT to know, ok?

I digress.

So, after 5 kids I have come to appreciate the help that K-Y has given to my marriage over the years. I've been having kids for 12 years..that's a long time! And in that 12 years I have only ever used 1 brand of lubricant...K-Y. Yes, that's right...K-Y is a part of our first sexual encounter after having kids. It's a dry down there, folks. It's scary and dark and...dry. Desert-like. So, yeah, the K-Y comes in SUPER handy. We continue to use K-Y for many months afterwards. Specifically the K-Y SILK-E.

So here's my thought process.....I've used a lot of K-Y over the years. Dumped in some GOOD money on these products. Maybe K-Y would like to make me a brand SpokesModel? (I was gonna say spokesperson but I think Model makes me sound prettier.) People in Vegas need lube. No, they do. Because everyone knows that when you go to Vegas you get laid. It's not just "hotel sex" it's "VEGAS hotel sex". That's good for more than 1 round thus the need for K-Y. I could be the ambassador! Helping out the people of Vegas and handing out samples of K-Y. Seriously, You just need to cover airfare and hotel. We'll do the rest (yk, meals, shows....drinks...LOL).

So..whadya think, K-Y? Can we talk?

Love,
The desert formerly known as heidi

Birthday Shopping

It's birthday season here at our house. I've got two in June, one in July and one in September that I need to address, and QUICKLY! If I can do my shopping online, then that's even better!

Browsing around I came across an online store with great developmental toys. I've ordered from this store before when I got a really cool Melissa & Doug puzzle for Corban, so I know they're great to work with.

They've got a great selection of educational kid's toys that I can use to work with Corban on his fine motor skills. Plus? They just have some cool toys - like this Rocket Ship. I think Corban would die if he opened that on his birthday!

I love that they have the toys separated by sex, age and stage. It's easy to find the perfect toddler toy for Brennan and an fun baby toy for Keaton. It's pretty much one stop shopping for me over here! Love that. The toys that I've ordered from this company have always been high quality toys from companies I know I can count on to produce quality products.

I don't know for sure what I'm getting for them yet, other than this Mysteries of the Deep set that's already in my cart. Corbs is all about the sharks and whales these days!

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I was compensated for this review. However, I don't do random reviews - I only review companies I've worked with and trust.

Seriously Irritating List

OK, listen (can you hear me, now?) I have some thoughts I need to share with you. Some things that are irritating me and that I need to get off my chest. Pay attention, grasshoppers.

#1: Did you watch the Survivor Finale last night? Why are these people always so shocked and dismayed that the winner lied to them? Give me a flipping break! This was the 22nd season - have they not SEEN the other seasons? Do they not KNOW how to play this game?? "You lied to me! How could you?!" Come on, now - I admire that you want to get through the game without lying - and it may be possible - but it's never been done. Ever. People go on Survivor to win a million dollars - generally they're willing to do and say whatever it takes to get to the end. So why is it, that every season, there are people at the end crying and pissing and moaning about dishonesty?

#2: Not everything needs an 'S' on the end. For instance - It's Costco...not Costcos. It's WalMart - not Walmarts. McDonalds? Famous Daves? Applebees? Yes - there's an 'S' on the end. SO annoying.

#3: SupposEDly. Not SupposUBly.

#4: Dear Old Navy: Stop sending me coupons and discounts to be used "In Store Only". You pulled your store the hell out of here, remember? You can just go screw yourself. I'm waiting for Kohl's to finish being built.

#5: Your daughter is a brat. There, I said it. (Oh, not you..or you..no, you don't know her...I just needed to say it.)

#6: Quit piling crap on my desk. I have enough of my own crap - I don't need yours, too.

#7: Yeah, I said I wanted plastic not paper. Yes, I own my own grocery bags - I just forgot them. I need the plastic ones to line my trashcans at home. Leave me alone.

#8: Please stop coming to my house and farting on my couch. I know you're doing it - I hear you. It's gross and now whenever I sit there that's all I can think about and wonder if that smell that lingers is your fart. *gag*

#9: The next time you imply that my daughter is "bulking up" I will punch you in the face and stomp on your throat. She weighs less than most kids in her class and happens to fall right on the 50% line. That's average. Yes, she's bigger than her sister - her sister that isn't even ON the charts, btw. Oh, and? You're ugly.

#10: Please stop talking to me.

*Phew* Glad I could get that off my chest.

Happy Monday.

Stream of Conciousness

I love the idea of this Stream of Conciousness post but every time I sit down here to write, the only thing I can think about is laundry and grocery lists and potty schedules and stuff that is kid related. How boring is that? I want to be interesting and deep. I was staring at the screen trying to think about what to write and I went to read some other SOC posts. Fadra's struck me incredibly today and from there I read a few more posts which further convuluted my thoughts.

So I came back to stare at the screen. I still have nothing. Is my life boring? It's probably quite pedantic to some people. 5 kids, 2 jobs, 1 husband and countless neighbor kids that come and go. I don't think it's boring though. I think it's right where I always didn't know I wanted it to be. Does that make sense? I don't like the cleaning part, but the rest of it? I love. I love being so busy with all these kids. I love being a wife. I love making breakfast for the family and meeting them at the door after school with a homemade snack. I don't want to be June Cleaver or Donna Reed - I'd have to completely self-medicate to get through that madness, but I am happy with where I'm at right now.

Though I'd really like a fenced yard and a maid. And maybe to win the lottery. Yeah, definitely to win the lottery.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post here.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Chocolate Dipped Marshmallow Pops and Fresh Strawberry Cupcakes

Freakin' blogger ate this post. I'm posting it again.

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You get two recipes this week, since I neglected last week. Remember? I'm Bringin' the After School Snack Back, yo. ;-)

I was browsing through cooking blogs when a picture popped up on the screen. Cara said, "Mom! You HAVE to make those! PLEASE!!" So, I did.

They were really easy but a bit more expensive than I like normal snack to be so these are now "special" snacks. What makes them so expensive are the lollipop sticks. If you have suggestions - I'd love to hear them!

How do you make them? You put the marshmallow on a lollipop stick. You dip the marshmallow in melted chocolate. You roll the dipped marshmallow in sprinkles or nuts or crushed cookies. Let it sit for about 10 minutes on wax paper. Eat.

How's THAT for easy?!

Want more reassurance?

http://frogprincepaperie.com/2010/05/chocolate-candy-dipped-marshmallows-pops-on-a-stick-diy-tutorial-and-how-to.html

http://brandysbaking.blogspot.com/2011/03/marshmallow-pops.html

Git R Done

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This recipe was one of the more time consuming ones, but worth it!! I don't have a food processor or stand mixer so I improvised by mashing the strawberries (I used fresh) with a potato masher then putting them in the blender to puree. I used a hand mixer in place of the stand mixer. According to Rob and the kids, these were really yummy. They're full of things I can't have so I didn't taste them. ;-) Also, this recipe made me 14 cupcakes and enough frosting that I could make ANOTHER dozen and frost them, too. And, hey? Since this uses fresh strawberries you can count it as one of your fruit servings for the day. Ha!

Strawberry Cupcakes

Servings: Makes 1 dozen

Ingredients

• 2/3 cup fresh or frozen whole strawberries (thawed if frozen)
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour , sifted
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1/4 tsp. coarse salt
• 1/4 cup whole milk , room temperature
• 1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter , room temperature
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 large egg , room temperature
• 2 large egg whites , room temperature

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°. Line a 12-cup muffin tin with cupcake liners; set aside.

Place strawberries in a small food processor; process until pureed. You should have about 1/3 cup of puree. Add a few more strawberries if necessary, or save any extra puree for frosting; set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder and salt; set aside. In a small bowl, mix together milk, vanilla and strawberry puree; set aside.

In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream butter on medium-high speed, until light and fluffy. Gradually add sugar and continue to beat until well combined and fluffy. Reduce the mixer speed to medium and slowly add egg and egg whites until just blended.

With the mixer on low, slowly add half the flour mixture; mix until just blended. Add the milk mixture; mix until just blended. Slowly add remaining flour mixture, scraping down sides of the bowl with a spatula, as necessary, until just blended.

Divide batter evenly among prepared muffin cups. Transfer muffin tin to oven and bake until tops are just dry to the touch, 22 to 25 minutes. Transfer muffin tin to a wire rack and let cupcakes cool completely in tin before icing.

Strawberry Frosting

Servings: Makes enough for 1 dozen cupcakes

Ingredients

• 1/2 cup frozen whole strawberries , thawed
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter , firm and slightly cold
• Pinch coarse salt
• 3 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar , sifted
• 1/2 tsp. pure vanilla extract

Directions:

Place strawberries in the bowl of a small food processor; process until pureed. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat together butter and salt on medium speed until light and fluffy. Reduce mixer speed and slowly add confectioners' sugar; beat until well combined. Add vanilla and 3 tablespoons strawberry puree (save any remaining strawberry puree for another use); mix until just blended. Do not overmix, or frosting will incorporate too much air. Frosting consistency should be dense and creamy, like ice cream.

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Go forth and make something.

Random Thoughts on Twitter or Reflections of a Co-dependant

Tweeting is a lot lot fishing. You throw your line in and wait for a bite.



Often times, you don't even get a nibble so you reel it back in and cast out another lure.


Still nothing? Fine. Ignore me. I'll try this bigger, better lure.



BAM! I got some nibbles but didn't reel anyone in. I'm gonna switch techniques and do more of a fly fishing approach.



Oh, you don't know the difference? Damn city girls. Regular fishing means you throw your line in and be patient. Fly Fishing requires that you rapid fire your line..snap, snap, snap - to simulate a moving target. For the fish with ADD - ooh! Shiny!! Switching tactics would mean that I just start commenting everywhere and anywhere trying to illicit a response.



From anyone. Pay attention to me, I'm needy.

Laugh at my jokes, I'm needy.

Tell me I'm brilliant, I'm needy.




Twitter just reinforces the fact that I'm co-dependant and needy, damnit. That's what my Glee shirt says, Co-Dependant.




Validate me. Tell me I'm worthy.

Wait, what? Where was I going with all of this?

Oh..Twitter is just a place to go fishing for validation.



Don't forget!

heidi's Top 10 Ways to Grow Your Blog

I get asked all the time, "Heidi, how can I grow my blog? How do I make it big and full of comments." Since I am obviously an expert on this topic, I feel like I have quite a lot of insight to offer. Generally, I make the advice specific to the person inquiring but I thought I'd break it down for everyone - so you can benefit from my obviously superior skills in this area.

1. Don't be boring. No, I know - it seems like a no brainer, right? Yet I still encounter blog after blog that just bores me to tears. In cases like this I will hone in on one sentence/event and make my comment about that. If the post is so boring I want to hang myself from the shower rod, I'll copy someone else's comment so I don't have to subject myself to the pain of it anymore. My time is valuable people, let's not waste it.

2. Be either extremely good at something, or really bad at it. Obviously I'm talking to the crafters out there. Some of you have mad skills - I've seen them! I probably only glanced at your page and most likely didn't even comment because, you know, craftin' ain't my thang. But if you were extremely good and created something ah-mazing, I probably left a "Wow! Good job!" comment for you to show my appreciation. Now, on the flip side, if you created something ridiculously bad? I probably drove up your site traffic a whole bunch by sending the link to all my friends with a note attached that said, "You have GOT to check out this hot mess." Either way? You got some love.

3. Be funny. People like funny. Make fun of yourself. Make fun of those around you. But mostly? Make fun of yourself. The rest of us are so you might as well join in.

4. Find a crowd to roll with. Are you an organizing freak? Do you know how to reupholster like a mother lovin' bandit? Turnin' heads with your to-die-for style? Then you need to find peeps like you to share your superiority with. Join a blog carnival. Works for Me Wednesday, Tuesday Tackle, Wordless Wednesday, I Heart Faces - whatever - join one now. Because everyone wants to be part of the "in" crowd.

5. Pimp yourself. Someone's got to, right? You need to become a comment whore. Work your corner, work my corner - hell, head over to MamaKat's or Scary Mommy's place and work their corners too. The more you comment on people's blogs, the more people will come visit you. There's a caveat here. Don't leave stupid comments. Leave funny, witty comments that make people say, "Why, who IS this mystery person?! How can I get to know her? I need more!" You need to be a comment cock tease (sorry, was that offensive? More on that later.).

6. Don't be ashamed to talk about your kid's problems. I'm sure to offend people here, (again, more on that later.) but tragedy loves company. Blog rubber necking is abundant. If you have a sick kid, go ahead and talk about it. All of it. People love a cause.

7. KISSS. That means Keep it Short and Simple, Stupid. Obviously I can't even speak to this since the post is forever long. I don't blame you for quitting at number 3. Seriously, if I have to scroll down more than once to get through your post, it better be really freaking good - like anything from Pretty All True - or I'm not reading it. I have the attention span of a hamster...wait, what was I talking about?

8. Link. Link like crazy. Link here, link there, link everywhere. Link to random people, link with purpose. Link, Link, Link.

9. Say outrageous things and offend people. If you offend someone they'll tell someone else and they will tell someone else, etc. Your comments may not be very nice but you'll have traffic coming out of your overinflated ass. Promise.

10. Network. Facebook Fan Page, Twitter, Message Boards, whatever. Get the word out. Neglect your housework, kids and your job and make sure you are always pimping your blog. Every other thing you post should be a link to one of your blog entries. This is VERY important. I promise, it won't piss people off one bit.

So there ya have it. heidi's Top 10 Ways to Grow Your Blog. Helpful, no? Someday you'll see me on Good Morning America and you'll say - Oh! I knew her when. Or you might say, "That's my friend heidi!" Because you'll feel like you know me from all the TMI I share. Oh - that's tip #11 - TMI is NEVER TMI. It's good reading.

You're welcome.

Alone

Do you wanna know why the #1 thing Mom's ask to receive for Mother's Day is something they do alone? Because we never get to be alone.

We pee with company - "What's that? You pee out your bagina and I pee from my penis, right mom? Are you pooping? We poop in the potty not our diapers right mom? Your poop is stinky. WOW! Mom! That's a big poop! I bet your poop is big because your butt is so big, right??"

When we shower it rarely is alone. "Hey baby, how YOU doin'?" or "Hey mom, what are you doing? Are you naked? I see your vagina. Your butt is big. What's that? Can I get in? Can I bring spiderman with me?" "Mom, she hit me!" "Mom, she stole my hoody and she threw it out the window!"

We don't sleep alone. We sleep next to our significant other, if we're lucky. But most often there's a chorus of "Mooooom!" through the night and we bounce from bed, to bed, to bed. I hafta tell ya, the last time I bounced beds like this I may have qualified as a slut. Just sayin'.

We are Never Alone. Ever.

Today my peeps left me alone to go work on a project for me at daddy's work. For an hour. Well, alone with Keaton who is 7 months and a teething maniac. Not 3 minutes after they left one of the neighbor girls that pratically lives here showed up. She hung out the whole time my family was gone. Not alone.

So you'll have to forgive us if one day a year we say, "Hey, thanks for celebrating me. I'm so glad I gave birth to you all but really? Today? I just want to be alone for a little bit."

I'd like to finish a meal without trying to hoover it in or giving half of it to little people. I'd like to read more than a paragraph at a time of my book. I'd like to breathe, and drink my coffee before it gets cold and I have to throw it in the microwave.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I do. Really, I do everything for them. So is it so aweful that I just want 2 hours to myself? Is that a crime?? If so then cuff me, run me in.

In fact, I think I'm looney and need to be locked up in a place with a bed and padded walls. Then I could sleep for a whole night without interruption...which brings me to my Christmas Wish....

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post here.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Helpful Hint From heidi: Locked In

I know, I know - two hints in one week?! What gives?!? Well, I've had an exceedingly "special" week so I have lots to share. Pearls of wisdom. I cast them before you. Because I' know you're not swine.

Today I went to World Market to get my mom a Mother's Day gift. What? Yes I KNOW Mother's Day is Sunday and I still have to mail the gift to her. I get it, I'm a slacker. Whatever. Can I go on?? Thankyouverymuch.

So I finish up at World Market and B is like, I have to pee, Mama! So I said, "Can you hold it until we get to Wendy's to meet daddy?" And the good little boy said yes, if we hurry. We hurry out to the Suburban and I get everyone buckled in. 3 kids, 3 carseats and 1 diaper bag. It's a work out. I hop in to my seat and start up the car. I turn to back out and notice the handle on the baby's carseat is up.

Screw it, I think. I'm just going across the street. But then I think, "Shit. If I get into a wreck and the handle breaks in and impales Keaton then I'll never forgive myself." Reluctantly, I put the Suburban back into park and unbuckle myself. I hit the unlock button and jump out. I shut the door.

You see where this is going, right?

I try to open the back door.

It won't open.

I run around to every other door and try.

They won't open.

I thought I hit the unlock button! Nay, Nay. I hit the LOCK button. My 3 babies are now stuck inside a running car while safely (and quite securely, it turns out) buckled into their car seats.

Oh, and my cellphone is in the diaper bag.

I bang on the windows - because for some reason this seems logical to me.

I call out to my 4 year old, Corban, and tell him to unbuckle. Come on buddy, help mommy out. He can unbuckle the top but not the bottom. I say stand up - wiggle out - you can do it. He says, "Just open the door and do it yourself!"

*sigh*

I try Brennan. He starts crying. "Mommy, open the door! Open the door!"

I can't. So I bang on the windows some more - which I'm sure had a complete calming affect on the boys. (Again - nay, nay.)

A man walks by. Eureka!!! "Sir!" I yell. "Excuse me, sir?! Can I please borrow your cell phone??"

Guess what? He said no and kept walking. (P.S. - Sir? I hope your weinie itches uncontrollably in public for the next week. Jackass.)

A woman walks out of the store and I run over to her, "Ma'am - can I please borrow your cell phone? I'm an idiot and I locked my 3 boys in the car and I need to call my husband. Please!" She lets me. Probably while wondering if she should call CPS on me.

Rob answered the phone and I told him what happened. Know what he did? He laughed at me. Jerk. Then he said he was on his way to rescue me. Not a jerk.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep the already panicked boys calm.

And failing. Apparently all the window banging and shouting freaked them out. Who knew??

Brennan has gone from sobbing to hysterics. "Mommy! Just open the door! Please mommy - open the door!"

Corban is shouting, " ASK ANOTHER MOM FOR A KEY! HURRY UP! I'M RUNNING OUT OF AIR! I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE! WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF AIR!!" as he's clutching at his chest and throat.

Keaton is giggling.

Rob shows up and the boys want him. Only him. Brennan begs daddy to drive him now, not mommy. Corban wants to ride in daddy's car. Keaton is still oblivious.

I bought them ice cream to eat before their lunch.

The moral of the story? Don't lock your kids in the car, duh.

And forget about Mother of the Year. I've got that title all to myself after today.

Is it wine-o-clock, yet?

Seriously Secret Helpful Hint From heidi

I have to tell you a secret. But you can't tell Rob because he is going to be so grossed out.

So the other night I made a dish that had a piece of meat in it. (I'm being intentionally vague in case Rob reads this he won't know which dish...ya feel me? Word.) The meat was still partially frozen when I threw it in to be cooked (oh, and also because we have leftovers that I've frozen to eat still and I want him to eat them). Unbeknownst to me, I did not remove all of the, uh, what's that stuff they put on the bottom of the package? The padding stuff? Like this:



There were like 3 of those suckers in there, I guess, and I only got 2 of them out. The third was stuck to the bottom of this large piece of meat and I threw it in the soup to be cooked. And cooked it was. I spent a good 20 minutes sifting through the soup to find the plastic and mostly disintegrated paper stuff so that no one would see it and not eat.

I know, gross.

But there was some serious food in that pot and I was NOT about to waste it just because people might get a little padding in their bowl.

So my helpful hint is that you should always check to make sure you've got all that off because it really makes a nasty mess in our soup, if you don't.

That's my secret. What's yours?

Pissed

Yesterday Corban was in the tangled mess of a garage, trying to get his bike out and he's getting increasingly mad. He's all, "Stupid bike, stupid training wheels! Stupid girls with their stupid toys!"

He's kicking things and throwing things; muttering and mumbling. (Very much a mini version of his daddy.)

Suddenly he stops, looks up at me and says, "Mom, I was gonna say how pissed on I was but then I remembered I can't say pissed on so I didn't say pissed on. Right mom? I can't say that I'm pissed on, right? I have to say mad or flusterrrated."

I was trying really hard, and failing, to not laugh but he kept saying pissed and he was so earnest about it!

So, I said, "Right, buddy...you can't say pissed. but if you did you should say pissed OFF not pissed ON. Because one means mad and the other is just gross."