heidi's Top 10 Ways to Grow Your Blog

I get asked all the time, "Heidi, how can I grow my blog? How do I make it big and full of comments." Since I am obviously an expert on this topic, I feel like I have quite a lot of insight to offer. Generally, I make the advice specific to the person inquiring but I thought I'd break it down for everyone - so you can benefit from my obviously superior skills in this area.

1. Don't be boring. No, I know - it seems like a no brainer, right? Yet I still encounter blog after blog that just bores me to tears. In cases like this I will hone in on one sentence/event and make my comment about that. If the post is so boring I want to hang myself from the shower rod, I'll copy someone else's comment so I don't have to subject myself to the pain of it anymore. My time is valuable people, let's not waste it.

2. Be either extremely good at something, or really bad at it. Obviously I'm talking to the crafters out there. Some of you have mad skills - I've seen them! I probably only glanced at your page and most likely didn't even comment because, you know, craftin' ain't my thang. But if you were extremely good and created something ah-mazing, I probably left a "Wow! Good job!" comment for you to show my appreciation. Now, on the flip side, if you created something ridiculously bad? I probably drove up your site traffic a whole bunch by sending the link to all my friends with a note attached that said, "You have GOT to check out this hot mess." Either way? You got some love.

3. Be funny. People like funny. Make fun of yourself. Make fun of those around you. But mostly? Make fun of yourself. The rest of us are so you might as well join in.

4. Find a crowd to roll with. Are you an organizing freak? Do you know how to reupholster like a mother lovin' bandit? Turnin' heads with your to-die-for style? Then you need to find peeps like you to share your superiority with. Join a blog carnival. Works for Me Wednesday, Tuesday Tackle, Wordless Wednesday, I Heart Faces - whatever - join one now. Because everyone wants to be part of the "in" crowd.

5. Pimp yourself. Someone's got to, right? You need to become a comment whore. Work your corner, work my corner - hell, head over to MamaKat's or Scary Mommy's place and work their corners too. The more you comment on people's blogs, the more people will come visit you. There's a caveat here. Don't leave stupid comments. Leave funny, witty comments that make people say, "Why, who IS this mystery person?! How can I get to know her? I need more!" You need to be a comment cock tease (sorry, was that offensive? More on that later.).

6. Don't be ashamed to talk about your kid's problems. I'm sure to offend people here, (again, more on that later.) but tragedy loves company. Blog rubber necking is abundant. If you have a sick kid, go ahead and talk about it. All of it. People love a cause.

7. KISSS. That means Keep it Short and Simple, Stupid. Obviously I can't even speak to this since the post is forever long. I don't blame you for quitting at number 3. Seriously, if I have to scroll down more than once to get through your post, it better be really freaking good - like anything from Pretty All True - or I'm not reading it. I have the attention span of a hamster...wait, what was I talking about?

8. Link. Link like crazy. Link here, link there, link everywhere. Link to random people, link with purpose. Link, Link, Link.

9. Say outrageous things and offend people. If you offend someone they'll tell someone else and they will tell someone else, etc. Your comments may not be very nice but you'll have traffic coming out of your overinflated ass. Promise.

10. Network. Facebook Fan Page, Twitter, Message Boards, whatever. Get the word out. Neglect your housework, kids and your job and make sure you are always pimping your blog. Every other thing you post should be a link to one of your blog entries. This is VERY important. I promise, it won't piss people off one bit.

So there ya have it. heidi's Top 10 Ways to Grow Your Blog. Helpful, no? Someday you'll see me on Good Morning America and you'll say - Oh! I knew her when. Or you might say, "That's my friend heidi!" Because you'll feel like you know me from all the TMI I share. Oh - that's tip #11 - TMI is NEVER TMI. It's good reading.

You're welcome.