7 Things You Shouldn't Do While Drinking #wineparty

I feel it's important to impart this wisdom to you. Obviously this is not from personal experience by any means. I just heard about this from a friend of a friend. Honest.

1. Drive. Anything. This is the only serious thing. Remember this:

"I will not, should not, can not drive a car
or truck home from the bar.
I will not, should not, can not get on a Harley
because if I wreck it will be gnarly.
I will not, should not, can not ride a bike
or skateboard or, yk, probably even a trike.
I will not, should not, can not even talk
Here's my keys, can you help me walk? (I'll show you my boobs if you do!)"

2. Facebook.

The next morning you frantically look through your "Previous Activity" and hope to God that you didn't make an ass of yourself. What did you comment on? Did you say "Shake my ass" on the wall of a minor kid you know? Did you send a message to an old friend and sob while you apologized for a transgression that only YOU remember? How many people commented on your status update that read, "Who wants to see my boobs?!?!?"

3. Text.

Anyone. Just, don't. Of course, if you're lucky your texts will look like this, "Iuj hyyuk wllo annit!!! HA! LOL!!!" Because your fat, drunk fingers can't manvuer around the tiny keyboard. But generally there's some text the next morning, as you scroll through your messages, that says, "Woooohoooo!! I'm showin' off my boobs!!! Come down to the bar and see them!!!"

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4. Call Anyone.

No one needs to talk to you. There are no amends to be made. I promise. There is nothing you need to say right this second that can't wait until tomorrow while you're laying in bed wishing you were dead. If you still want to say it then, call. But calling someone to say, "Damn, I miss you. I'm so sorry we broke up..I wish you could be here right now. Remember my boobs? They're awesome, right? Wooooo! I'm flashing you right now! Pretend you can see!!!"

5. Tweet.

#wineparty sounds like fun, right? A bunch of people sitting around, tweeting and drinking - oh, it doesn't have to be wine - that's just the hashtag for fun. Like: Press 1 if you're sober. Press 2 if you're smoking medical mary jane. Press #wineparty to tweet things you'll wish you could take back the next day. Nothing like waking up slowly the next morning and wondering..Oh. My. Gosh. Did I say that? DID I TWEET THAT? Ohmygosh ohmygosh...who saw it? Can I delete it? ohmygosh ohmygosh! Chances are? It's already been retweeted and you, my friend, are infamous.

6. Email

Similar thread here. Don't call, don't text, don't email. It's permanent. You can't undo it. And you'll say stupid stuff like, "I really hope you can forgive me for what I did when we were in high school! It was so terrible the way we treated you and said "Hallo" to you because you had really bad breath. It was our own private joke about your halitosis. I'm really sorry about that. Remember that time we showed those guys on State Street our boobs?? Woooooo! That was fun!!! I'm sorry I insulted your boobs and said they were weird and misshapen. Mine are now, if that makes you feel any better."


7. Blog.

You never know what you're going to say when you're drinking. That 1 glass of wine turns in to 3 and then suddenly you're saying things that you are forever engraving in everyone's minds. For.Ev.Er. Then suddenly you're talking about showing people your boobs and how weird and misshapen your boobs are after nursing 5 kids. It becomes uncomfortable and you should never, ever blog while.......