Say you had some neighbors. And these neighbors liked to have sex ... in the bathroom ... with the windows open. And say the female counterpart of these neighbors was rather...uhm... vocal in her pleasure.
Picture this: It's broad daylight and there are about 15 kids playing outside. All of the sudden a cry of pleasure bursts through the air. All of the kids look around them and the older ones begin to giggle. The younger ones are confused and one little girl is VERY concerned that someone is hurt, somewhere inside that house. As the cries continue the group migrates to just outside the window while the, uhm, moans of pleasure escalate until they reach their grand finale. The kids disperse - older kids giggling while the younger kids are asking what what going on.
So, what would you do? Would you say something to the neighbors? Face to face? In an anonymous note? Would you ignore it? What WOULD you do?!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I get it now.
I do. I get it. I get why my mom went on strike. I get why moms all over the COUNTRY went on strike when we were kids. TOTALLY get it.
It's not that I don't want to do the job I signed up for - I'm ok with that. Sometimes, though, a little help would be nice and so would a little thanks. Goes a long way, as the saying goes.
Like those towels you dry off with after your shower? The CLEAN ones? *I* washed them.
Like to eat? *I* made that food.
Like having clean dishes to eat off of and with? *I* washed them.
Like having clean clothes? *I* washed them.
Like not having to sit in other people's urine when you pee? *I* cleaned that toilet.
Like not sticking to the floor when you walk? *I* mopped that.
Like getting to the class you really wanted to take? *I* scheduled it and drove you there.
Like having a lunch you enjoy every day? *I* made it. *I* bought the foods you like because *I* listened to you.
So when I say "Hey, can I get some help here?" Please don't give me a dirty look, roll your eyes or throw a fit. If you happen to notice that the dishes need done and I'm really busy or tired - hey, knock yourself out and do them! You have NO IDEA how thankful that will make me.
Please don't assume that *I* will take care of it.
If you spill something, clean it up.
If you drop something, pick it up.
If you get something out, put it away.
If you want something done, then do it.
I'm not the maid.
These things that need doing? They don't do themselves. There's no cleaning fairy that visits us and makes these things magically happen.
And if we DID have a maid? I'd be horrified at the treatment of her.
It's not that I don't want to do the job I signed up for - I'm ok with that. Sometimes, though, a little help would be nice and so would a little thanks. Goes a long way, as the saying goes.
Like those towels you dry off with after your shower? The CLEAN ones? *I* washed them.
Like to eat? *I* made that food.
Like having clean dishes to eat off of and with? *I* washed them.
Like having clean clothes? *I* washed them.
Like not having to sit in other people's urine when you pee? *I* cleaned that toilet.
Like not sticking to the floor when you walk? *I* mopped that.
Like getting to the class you really wanted to take? *I* scheduled it and drove you there.
Like having a lunch you enjoy every day? *I* made it. *I* bought the foods you like because *I* listened to you.
So when I say "Hey, can I get some help here?" Please don't give me a dirty look, roll your eyes or throw a fit. If you happen to notice that the dishes need done and I'm really busy or tired - hey, knock yourself out and do them! You have NO IDEA how thankful that will make me.
Please don't assume that *I* will take care of it.
If you spill something, clean it up.
If you drop something, pick it up.
If you get something out, put it away.
If you want something done, then do it.
I'm not the maid.
These things that need doing? They don't do themselves. There's no cleaning fairy that visits us and makes these things magically happen.
And if we DID have a maid? I'd be horrified at the treatment of her.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
A Helpful Painful Hint from heidi
Listen, I really do try to be helpful to you guys. I do. I make all these bad judgment calls and idiotic mistakes and then I blog about them in the hopes that you, my friends, will not have to repeat them. So this is ALL for you. Every time. You're welcome.
While you are walking to and from the van (car, truck, WHATEVER) to bring the groceries in, (oh! Side hint! Do NOT take 5 kids grocery shopping with you while you have a migraine blooming! A Twofer!), please be careful where and how you are walking. Cutting across the corner of the yard to the driveway instead of just following the sidewalk out could lead to injury.
How? Well, if you were to cut across the small patch of yard that has been trampled down into a small pit of sorts you may just not lift your foot high enough to clear the lip of the asphalt of the driveway.
And if THAT happens that your flip flop will catch on the lip of the asphalt and your forward motion and lack of balance will propel you rather quickly (an none too gracefully!) to the ground. You might try to break your fall because, like me, you're 30 weeks pregnant and don't want to smash the kid. In your effort to break your fall you will hurt yourself in the following ways, landing yourself in the hospital for hours and hours:
Left knee - swollen, scraped, missing skin. Limping.
Right hand - scraped, road rash, pulled muscle and my wrist & forearm hurt.
Left hand - sore from hitting the ground.
Right knee - scraped and sore.
Chin - scraped & we're waiting to see if it'll bruise.
Baby - all's well as confirmed by 4 consecutive hours of monitoring and an Ultrasound. No scrapes on the belly skin surface, either.
Muscles pulled - back, groin and stomach from trying to maneuver around and not land on the baby.
Pride - who has any pride left?! I fell in front of all the neighbor kids and was bawling like a baby. When I got home nearly 6 hours later they were all waiting outside to see if I was ok and if they baby was ok so I'll still keep em.
I think I'd rather just spill pee on myself again, quite frankly.
Another in a long line of Helpful Hints from heidi. Someday I should write a book. I'll call it "The Idiots Guide to Making it Through Alive".
While you are walking to and from the van (car, truck, WHATEVER) to bring the groceries in, (oh! Side hint! Do NOT take 5 kids grocery shopping with you while you have a migraine blooming! A Twofer!), please be careful where and how you are walking. Cutting across the corner of the yard to the driveway instead of just following the sidewalk out could lead to injury.
How? Well, if you were to cut across the small patch of yard that has been trampled down into a small pit of sorts you may just not lift your foot high enough to clear the lip of the asphalt of the driveway.
And if THAT happens that your flip flop will catch on the lip of the asphalt and your forward motion and lack of balance will propel you rather quickly (an none too gracefully!) to the ground. You might try to break your fall because, like me, you're 30 weeks pregnant and don't want to smash the kid. In your effort to break your fall you will hurt yourself in the following ways, landing yourself in the hospital for hours and hours:
Left knee - swollen, scraped, missing skin. Limping.
Right hand - scraped, road rash, pulled muscle and my wrist & forearm hurt.
Left hand - sore from hitting the ground.
Right knee - scraped and sore.
Chin - scraped & we're waiting to see if it'll bruise.
Baby - all's well as confirmed by 4 consecutive hours of monitoring and an Ultrasound. No scrapes on the belly skin surface, either.
Muscles pulled - back, groin and stomach from trying to maneuver around and not land on the baby.
Pride - who has any pride left?! I fell in front of all the neighbor kids and was bawling like a baby. When I got home nearly 6 hours later they were all waiting outside to see if I was ok and if they baby was ok so I'll still keep em.
I think I'd rather just spill pee on myself again, quite frankly.
Another in a long line of Helpful Hints from heidi. Someday I should write a book. I'll call it "The Idiots Guide to Making it Through Alive".
Monday, July 19, 2010
Helpful Hints from heidi & Rob:
Vacation style!
Before you go on a trip you might have to do something completely horrifying like buy a bathing suit while you're 30 weeks pregnant. IF this is the case, you would do well to remember this: If you need a new size it is IMPERATIVE that you put ALL of your clothes back on before walking out of the dressing room at Target. Apparently no one wants to see you in your underwear except your husband.
When you are going on a trip and pack all of your drinks and perishable food in a cooler, do NOT forget to load the cooler in the car. It does you NO good sitting at home in the kitchen while you are out adventuring. And it means that you have to double buy everything.
When you get out of your van it is good to ensure that the lights are NOT left/knocked on. If they are, then you will have to try and find a total stranger and get them to give you a jump while your family waits in the car in over 90 degree weather. (Courtesy of Rob)
While climbing over the seat (at 30 weeks pregnant!) to start the car while it's being jumped - watch for low hanging objects like rear view mirrors. Smacking your head on one will cause you to swear in front of your children.
It is important to know where you are at all times. When you are visiting more than one place - distance is important! If, say, you visit a "Ghost Town" in one area it would be helpful if you booked the hotel at the CLOSEST city to the place and not one 2.5 hours away in a different city. The only real failure is the failure to plan. No boyscout badge for me.
Despite all of these things - you can still have fun on your little weekend vacation from life. :-)
These have been more Helpful Hints from heidi. I hope you find them enlightening.
Before you go on a trip you might have to do something completely horrifying like buy a bathing suit while you're 30 weeks pregnant. IF this is the case, you would do well to remember this: If you need a new size it is IMPERATIVE that you put ALL of your clothes back on before walking out of the dressing room at Target. Apparently no one wants to see you in your underwear except your husband.
When you are going on a trip and pack all of your drinks and perishable food in a cooler, do NOT forget to load the cooler in the car. It does you NO good sitting at home in the kitchen while you are out adventuring. And it means that you have to double buy everything.
When you get out of your van it is good to ensure that the lights are NOT left/knocked on. If they are, then you will have to try and find a total stranger and get them to give you a jump while your family waits in the car in over 90 degree weather. (Courtesy of Rob)
While climbing over the seat (at 30 weeks pregnant!) to start the car while it's being jumped - watch for low hanging objects like rear view mirrors. Smacking your head on one will cause you to swear in front of your children.
It is important to know where you are at all times. When you are visiting more than one place - distance is important! If, say, you visit a "Ghost Town" in one area it would be helpful if you booked the hotel at the CLOSEST city to the place and not one 2.5 hours away in a different city. The only real failure is the failure to plan. No boyscout badge for me.
Despite all of these things - you can still have fun on your little weekend vacation from life. :-)
These have been more Helpful Hints from heidi. I hope you find them enlightening.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Seriously Profane: Sex Ed for Kids a "How To" Manual
It's been in the local news lately, and the controversy has pushed it over into the national spectrum. I'm talking, of course, about the proposed Sex Ed curriculum up before the Board of Education in Helena, Montana. Sex Ed curriculum is not, of itself, Seriously Profane in my opinion. It has it's place and it has it's purposes. It's important and healthy for children to learn about their bodies and it's functions in a safe, controlled environment. The proposed curriculum, though, takes things too far.
Why is this important to you? Hey - maybe it's not. Maybe you don't give two rips about it because your kid is 3 and you don't live in Montana. Eventually, though, this WILL be a big deal to you. Take heed.
Here's how it's proposed:
In KINDERGARTEN: Children will be taught basic anatomy of their gender and the opposite gender including anatomically correct names for parts.
I'm lulling you into a false sense of, "So what? That's a GOOD thing!"
In FIRST GRADE: Children will be taught that love/sex does not have to happen between people of opposite genders. Love/sex can be boy/girl, girl.girl or boy/boy.
Now, don't get all homophobe on me here. You can teach your kids what you want or believe or don't believe. I don't think it's the public school systems job to tell my SIX YEAR OLD that being Gay is ok. If I think it's ok, I can tell my kid that.
By FIFTH GRADE: Children will learn about the various forms of sexual intercourse. This means vaginal, oral and anal. "By fifth grade, they are taught there are several types of intercourse, and by the sixth grade, the draft document states that students should, "Understand that sexual intercourse includes but is not limited to vaginal, oral, or anal penetration; using the penis, fingers, tongue or objects." (From here.)
Yes, you read that correctly. TEN and ELEVEN year olds will be taught what it means to have oral sex and anal intercourse as well as the fact that it's not limited to that but you can use other OBJECTS.
Don't believe me? Here's the curriculum. (It's hit and miss to get it to load. Their server keeps crashing, it would appear.)
Apparently there are some teachers that are looking into their legal right to NOT teach this curriculum. Parents are in an uproar both for and against this proposed curriculum.
Sure, you can opt out. I pulled my third grader out of school on the day they were teaching sex ed this year. I gave her the information she needed at home - here - under MY supervision. Are there kids that are already having sex at 11 and 12 years old? You betcha. When I was 11 years old I walked in on my BFF having oral sex with her boyfriend. I was horrified and disgusted. It happens, I get that. That doesn't mean you need to be teaching my kids what kind of relationships are acceptable NOR does it mean that you have ANY RIGHT to teach my kids about the various forms of intercourse or self pleasure methods.
Why not just hand out a how-to manual with pictures and a porn flick?
Why is this important to you? Hey - maybe it's not. Maybe you don't give two rips about it because your kid is 3 and you don't live in Montana. Eventually, though, this WILL be a big deal to you. Take heed.
Here's how it's proposed:
In KINDERGARTEN: Children will be taught basic anatomy of their gender and the opposite gender including anatomically correct names for parts.
I'm lulling you into a false sense of, "So what? That's a GOOD thing!"
In FIRST GRADE: Children will be taught that love/sex does not have to happen between people of opposite genders. Love/sex can be boy/girl, girl.girl or boy/boy.
Now, don't get all homophobe on me here. You can teach your kids what you want or believe or don't believe. I don't think it's the public school systems job to tell my SIX YEAR OLD that being Gay is ok. If I think it's ok, I can tell my kid that.
By FIFTH GRADE: Children will learn about the various forms of sexual intercourse. This means vaginal, oral and anal. "By fifth grade, they are taught there are several types of intercourse, and by the sixth grade, the draft document states that students should, "Understand that sexual intercourse includes but is not limited to vaginal, oral, or anal penetration; using the penis, fingers, tongue or objects." (From here.)
Yes, you read that correctly. TEN and ELEVEN year olds will be taught what it means to have oral sex and anal intercourse as well as the fact that it's not limited to that but you can use other OBJECTS.
Don't believe me? Here's the curriculum. (It's hit and miss to get it to load. Their server keeps crashing, it would appear.)
Apparently there are some teachers that are looking into their legal right to NOT teach this curriculum. Parents are in an uproar both for and against this proposed curriculum.
Sure, you can opt out. I pulled my third grader out of school on the day they were teaching sex ed this year. I gave her the information she needed at home - here - under MY supervision. Are there kids that are already having sex at 11 and 12 years old? You betcha. When I was 11 years old I walked in on my BFF having oral sex with her boyfriend. I was horrified and disgusted. It happens, I get that. That doesn't mean you need to be teaching my kids what kind of relationships are acceptable NOR does it mean that you have ANY RIGHT to teach my kids about the various forms of intercourse or self pleasure methods.
Why not just hand out a how-to manual with pictures and a porn flick?
Friday, July 9, 2010
You Name It
This is the sight, immediately to my right.
You tell me....what should the name of this photo be?
You tell me....what should the name of this photo be?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
JumpStart Winner!
The winner was randomly chosen...
And the winner is....
Congrats, Stephanie! Shoot me an email and I will pass it along to the Jumpstart people to get your membership going!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
How to get a Jumpstart
Rarely do I find an online site that I completely approve of and let my kids use without worry, but Jumpstart has definitely been one of them this past year. I have no fear of predators attempting to contact them through their characters and I have no fear that what they are seeing will somehow be inappropriate for them - such as the ads that are shown on some other "kids" sites. Nope. Jumpstart has fulfilled my every expectation and hope.
1. It's Safe
2. There's a learning element to it.
3. It's a blast!
My girls (especially the 9 year old) really like playing at Jumpstart.com. In fact, even the kids I babysit love to play there. There is just so much to do there - games to play, adventures to go on, things to explore - that it's never boring. And I love that the folks over there are constantly adding to and changing up the worlds the kids can explore. It's never static. The younger girls here like to dress and redress their Jumpees (the people they get to be int he Jumpstart worlds) like dolls before they take them out on adventures. The older kids like to do the actual adventures and solve the puzzles.
I asked Cara why she liked Jumpstart so much and she had this to say:
Why I like jump start by Cara
Now they have a ride store where you buy rides and you get to ride your ride . you go a lot faster
And they have a stadium and a pet store and a concert place and dragen place and you have a naberhood (sic)
And you have hunts to find stuff And you get to go to lands like adventure land
I like everything there
Well that’s it
Guess I can't really sum it up better than that, eh? I can add one more thing that *I* like about it - Jumpstart has a Blog where they list Tips, Hints & News that I have found very helpful.
“Disclosure: I was provided with a JumpStart membership at no cost by Knowledge Adventure in order to test the products’ abilities and give my own personal opinions on it. The opinions I have given are mine and may differ from others but were not influenced by the company or the free product provided.”
Yep - I was provided with a membership for this review. Guess what? You can have one for FREE. No review required. The nice people at Jumpstart would like to give one of you lucky people a FREE 6 month Membership for your family.
How to enter:
1. Leave me a comment telling me you want to win.
2. Go to the Jumpstart interactive map and tell me what area you think your kids would like to explore first (in s separate comment).
3. Blog about this contest and leave me a separate comment telling me you've done so.
I'll close the giveaway tomorrow (Wednesday, July 7th) at Midnight MST and draw the winner sometime on Thursday.
Good luck!!!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Just because I don't like the 4th of July doesn't mean I'm anti-American.
I like freedom - let it ring. I like independence. I like the Declaration of Independence. I like our Forefathers. I like that there are men and women fighting to keep us safe (well, in theory but I don't like that they are, yk, fighting and dying, etc.). Hey, freedom isn't free, yk? Know what else isn't free? Fireworks.
The 4th of July means that we have about a weeks worth of people lighting off fireworks at all hours. It doesn't get good and dark here until nearly 10 c'clock so it frequently interrupts my and my children's sleep. It irritates me when I'm NOT all knocked up and grouchy so you can imagine what a PEACH I was this year.
And, while I'm sure there are a few of you ladies out there that enjoy lighting off and watching fireworks, let's be honest here. The 4th of July is a man's holiday. Nay. It's for the little boy that still lives within the man that has grown up. And for those that are still little boys, just taller. Fire? Things that go BOOM? Flashing lights? The chance to legally play with explosives??? Hold on..I need to let those men that read this take a chance to settle down their racing pulses and wipe the saliva from their chins.
As I mentioned before, fireworks ain't cheap. So if you spent $60 on some fireworks - we're talking about 20 min of boom-boom (more than usual in other cases, eh? *ba-dum-dum-duh*) before it's all done and the kids are asking where the rest of the Fireworks are hiding. My IL's neighbor spent nearly $500 on his display last night Yes, ladies and gentlemen you read that correctly. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Good gravy and a loaf of bread! He could've dug a well in a third world country and given people water for LIFE for that price. Or, yk, given it to me and I would've put it to good use.
$500 worth of fireworks translates into about 90 minutes worth of earsplitting, mind numbing explosions. That's too long, even for the kids. By the end of it, I had all the kids in the van - 2 of which were asleep - and all the other grown ups were down the block still playing with fire. Giddy up.
Don't even get me started on the drunks up the block the OTHER way lighting things on fire and causing explosions. That's always a good combo - alcohol and explosives. Brilliant.
Happy 4th. I'm glad we have our Independence and I'm thankful we're free. And I'm GIDDY that we're done with the fireworks.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Anger, Irritation, Frustration, and More
Dear Child that Is Not Mine:
I'm steadily losing patience, here. I'm all about being stern with a side of love, but I'm about to kick that side of love to the curb - just for you. I'm not sure what your malfunction is but you need to have it checked out, looked at and fixed - post haste.
Quit fighting with the 2 year old. He's two - you're sufficiently older than two. Attempt to act like it.
STOP tormenting the almost 4 year old. I see what you're doing, I'm not a blind, deaf, clueless, dingbat. People on the moon can see what you're doing, just so he'll get in trouble, it's that obvious.
English is NOT your second language. You are NOT deaf. We have NO language barrier. Thus, I expect that you will start paying attention and listening when I speak to you or tell you what to do. Pretending that you somehow did not understand the command, "Leave her alone until she's done with her chores." Or the equally simplified, "Don't hang on that." will heretoforth be seen as the outright defiance that they are when you decide to disregard each command.
It's Hammer Time.
heidi
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Costco Management:
While shopping at your store (warehouse?) I do not feel that it is the place of your clerks to give my children anatomy lessons. You currently have a check out clerk that has a very detailed picture on her (yes, HER) left forearm of a naked lady. Well, Naked except for the strategically placed stars on her nipples and vaginal area. This tattoo is plain as day for the entire populace of those visiting Costco to see. It is vulgar and offensive. It would be no different than if your clerk was wearing a T-Shirt with the same picture on it, which I am beyond confident is against company policy. While buying strawberries, bagels and potatoes I do not appreciate then also havign to explain to my children why some chick has titties tattooed on herself. Perhaps you could require this clerk to have her tattoo covered while working? I'm sure I'm not the only one that would appreciate it.
Consumerly Yours,
heidi
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear People of the World:
Life would be easier if you would just do what I ask and behave how I expect. Please work on that IMMEDIATELY because I don't know how much longer I can put up with such insolence.
Why do you torment me?
heidi
I'm steadily losing patience, here. I'm all about being stern with a side of love, but I'm about to kick that side of love to the curb - just for you. I'm not sure what your malfunction is but you need to have it checked out, looked at and fixed - post haste.
Quit fighting with the 2 year old. He's two - you're sufficiently older than two. Attempt to act like it.
STOP tormenting the almost 4 year old. I see what you're doing, I'm not a blind, deaf, clueless, dingbat. People on the moon can see what you're doing, just so he'll get in trouble, it's that obvious.
English is NOT your second language. You are NOT deaf. We have NO language barrier. Thus, I expect that you will start paying attention and listening when I speak to you or tell you what to do. Pretending that you somehow did not understand the command, "Leave her alone until she's done with her chores." Or the equally simplified, "Don't hang on that." will heretoforth be seen as the outright defiance that they are when you decide to disregard each command.
It's Hammer Time.
heidi
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Costco Management:
While shopping at your store (warehouse?) I do not feel that it is the place of your clerks to give my children anatomy lessons. You currently have a check out clerk that has a very detailed picture on her (yes, HER) left forearm of a naked lady. Well, Naked except for the strategically placed stars on her nipples and vaginal area. This tattoo is plain as day for the entire populace of those visiting Costco to see. It is vulgar and offensive. It would be no different than if your clerk was wearing a T-Shirt with the same picture on it, which I am beyond confident is against company policy. While buying strawberries, bagels and potatoes I do not appreciate then also havign to explain to my children why some chick has titties tattooed on herself. Perhaps you could require this clerk to have her tattoo covered while working? I'm sure I'm not the only one that would appreciate it.
Consumerly Yours,
heidi
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear People of the World:
Life would be easier if you would just do what I ask and behave how I expect. Please work on that IMMEDIATELY because I don't know how much longer I can put up with such insolence.
Why do you torment me?
heidi
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