Mr. Mischief and Friends

That there is my Mr. Mischief, his brother has a shirt that announces him as Mr. Grumpy. Sis has one that says, "Here comes Lil Miss Sunshine" and Bear has one that says "Princess." Rob has one that calls him a "Gomer". HA!

What if we all wore shirts that announced our personality to everyone? That labeled us so that people knew, right up front, what they were getting in to?

Waitresses/Waiters might appreciate labels like "Tips like crap" or "Never Satisfied".

When trying to decide whether to engage someone of the opposite sex (if you're single), you might really dig if they had labels like "Commitment-phobe" or "Can't cut the umbilical cord". "Serial Cheater" and "Leech" would be helpful, too, I imagine.

How about if you're trying to make new friends? "It's always about me", "Miss Gossip", "I'll lean on you but when you need me the most I'm gonna split and not tell you why for years leaving you to believe you did something wrong when really I just am a selfish person." (What? Not speaking from personal experience or anything.) I mean, those would be helpful, right?

Labels like "Faker" "Liar" "Thief" "Troublemaker" "Pervert" could come in handy.

These are all negative labels though that give us only one side of the story. So maybe we could have a positive label on the back of our shirts? Like, on the front it would be "Miss Gossip" but on the back it might say "I'd give you this shirt off of my back if you needed it". Or maybe "Mr Grumpy" on the front and "Seriously Funny" on the back?

How much easier would life be if we knew who peed in the pool before we dove in?

What would your labels say? Both positive and negative?

Just Stuff

Last Sunday Rob was all miffed at me. He had all the signs - huffy, haughty and barely tolerating my presence. When I asked him if I had done something he said, "Don't worry about it." When I asked if something was wrong he said, "Don't worry about it." My brain screamed LET IT GO! LET IT GO! But, being a woman, I could not. So I hounded him. And finally he caved under the pressure of my superior abilities and said, "There's nothing you can do about it, so don't worry about it. I'll be fine." Ho ho ho! He'll be 'fine'? Uh, hello? I'm a woman - I know about 'Fine'. Don't throw 'Fine' at me, for cryin' out loud. I told him exactly that, laughingly. "You can't use fine with me! I'm a woman! We INVENTED Fine. Fine means, 'You're a putz and I just don't want to talk to you right now.' Fine means 'You did something completely insensitive and I need to hold it against you for awhile before I get over it.' Fine means 'Just leave me alone or I will start yelling at you and not be able to pinpoint the exact reason.' Don't throw FINE at me, mister!"

Ha! Pull out a FINE on me again, he will not.

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This recipe is Deeeee-licious. A little girl I watch refuses to eat pretty much anything - not only did she have seconds of this, but she asked for thirds! (I made her eat her vegetables instead.)

Honey Curry Chicken

* 6 chicken thighs or boneless breasts or 12 tenderloins (I use frozen tenderloins)
* 1/4 c. melted butter
* 1/2 c honey
* 1/4 c mustard
* 1tsp. salt
* 1/2tsp curry powder

Directions

1. Mix all but chicken together. Dip chicken in sauce
2. Place in casserole dish skin side up. Bake at 375 for 1 hour,basting every 15 mins.
3. Can double sauce.can let marinate in the sauce 4-6 hours if you want.

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Hey? I'm on Facebook (duh) so if any of you want to be 'friends' let me know and I'll look ya up!

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Have you seen Summer's bad-ass Tattoo?!?! I'm completely jealous that she had the cajones to get it done. She's my super-hero.

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I'm off to finish my morning chores before work. Hope everyone was a Spectacular Hump Day.

What makes you angry?

In Random Order:

10. When the kids and I are on a walk and waiting to cross the street, it really makes me mad when people don't pay attention and come roaring around the corner without checking to see if people are there. Hello? *We* have the right of way and you can't possibly be in such a hurry that it's worth killing one of my kids so slow the hell down and back off.

9. In that same vein - it irritates me that the 'Walk' sign only lasts for 2.5 seconds. I no sooner step off the curb than it's a flashing red hand. What does that mean? Run? Go back! Run! Go back! Get out of the way! You should have been faster you slow poke! Seriously? It's impossible to make it across the road in 2.5 seconds.

8. Any mistreatment of children is enough to boil my blood.

7. Knowing I can't control a situation.

6. Lying. Liars. Lying liars. Liars that lie.

5. Unfair treatment of others.

4. Back talking and smarting off. Well, unless I'm the one doing it. Ha!

3. People that take advantage of other people.

2. Being late. Either my own tardiness or other people's.

1. Passive-Aggressiveness. Unless it's my own. Ha Ha!

So, what makes YOU angry?

Psych Testing

I was meandering around today and saw this fun little meme over at Lisa's place. It's one of those Rorschach type tests. She gave me 5 words and I am supposed to say the first thing that comes to mind.

Green - Kasey. A friend of mine from high school and I just happened to see she'd recently blogged about trash at the movies. Her blog is called Green-Eyed Blogster. Can ya connect the dots? LOL



Note - Honestly? The first thing I thought of was Nota. Maybe because my 8 year old has been playing their version of "Down" by Jay Sean every stinkin' chance she gets. It's driving me a little bit crazy.



Minute - Rice.



Star - I didn't think of a word. Well, I did but, yk. OOh? You really wanna know? Ok, I thought of Slut. Fine, I'll tell it. One of my ex-boyfriends cheated on me with a hussy named Star. *spit* Now, remember, I'm not who I once was, okay? One night I was downtown with some friends watching them play a gig when my then boyfriend showed up. He'd been MIA for a couple of days with this slutty Star chick, so I was a bit miffed. Uh, we were at a bar so there were beverages to be had. I had a *few* and when he came in I confronted him. We took it outside and he ended up pushing me against the wall, so I decked him. Then I ran in and jumped on the pool table and was all, "What?! You want some more? C'mon! Let's go!" Whatever. Then Slutface showed up and she was all , "You hit him? I'm gonna kick your ass!" And I was all, "You probably can't even lift your leg you're so sore from whoring around.." ANYWAY...*ahem* Then jackass took my car keys and left. So we had to hot wire my car to get home (no, I didn't drive). The next day jackass showed up and begged forgiveness. He found his belongings in garbage bags by the front door. Oh, look, another story I won't be telling my kids.

First - Kiss. Awww! I don't exactly remember my first kiss - yk? The sweet little chaste thing? I remember my first French Kiss though. It was the summer between 5th and 6th grade. I was hanging out with my "boyfriend" Jeremy and his idiot friends. I had to get home so I kissed him goodbye. His moron friends we're all, "What? No tongue?!" Jeremy and I laughed, hardy har har, that nervous kind of laugh and I started walking away. The morons kept harassing us about how we'd never kissed with tongues and were scared and (uh, hello? YEAH we were scared - we were CHILDREN!) so we just bucked up and did it. It was horrifying and wet and sloppy and then...the little butthead bit my tongue and would not let it go. He thought it was HILARIOUS! You know what I thought was hilarious? I never let him kiss me again. So there. Taught him a lesson.



I'm not really sure what all that says about me, psychologically? But there's some verbal vomit for ya. Let me know in the comment section if you want your OWN 5 words. :-)

Have a day!

Iron Chef: The Sequel!

Those of you that loved the Iron Chef competition we had here, take heart - there's a sequel!! My friend Cheryl has graciously picked up the torch and will be continuing the competition - thank you Cheryl!! Hey! Now I can PLAY too!! So, head over to Cheryl's and add her to your must-reads so you can be alerted when the ingredient is announced.

Can't wait to beat the pants off of you all!! HA!

The Craziest!!!

So I googled "Craziest picture ever" and I got a LOT of results. I'm not linking you. Do your own damned search, eh?

Apparently, this guy has the craziest mustache, ever.



Gross. Blech. Vomit in my mouth. Ugh.

Can you imagine what his NEXT plans include? Yeah. Icky.

So, hey? I'm trying to figure out a few things...if you have my button on your blog or link to me in a blogroll on your blog, can you kindly let me know? Either in comments here or in email.

Thanks.

Apparently this is the craziest Tattoo, ever. I'm not inclined to disagree.



Can you imagine standing behind HIM in line at the grocery store??

Peace out, yo. HA!

How to Re-Invent Yourself

I had such fun with the New Years Resolution list (which weren't MINE, btw, people - stop emailing me about smoking and drug use for cryin' out loud!) I decided to take on another helpful list. So I swiped an article with some actual good points and I'm going to go ahead and poke fun at it now. But should you want to follow the ACTUAL article and get REAL advice, you can look here because you might like it.

1. Be the master of yourself. Is that anything like being the Master of my Domain? <--Seinfeld reference. I can only imagine how this conversation would go - "Self? I am the master of you now. Bow down to me. You must do as I tell you." But, say, I don't want to do what I say I have to do - do I have to listen to me if I'm the master of me and it's me telling me what to do? Just asking.

2. Inventory your knowledge. Is this supposed to make me feel better or worse about myself? Inventory my knowledge? Like, in a Dewey Decimal system kind of way? Catalog it? Animal knowledge goes here, computer crap over here, cooking and recipes in the blue tub, marriage lessons learned gets a whole floor to itself and child rearing has a drawer since I'm woefully inadequate. No, but really, this is good. Next weekend when my IL's ask us to come over I'll say, "Sssss...oooooh..sorry! Wish I could but it's inventory weekend for me."
   

3. Be curious. I'm curious about what being curious has to do with anything. Didn't curiosity kill the cat? So I shouldn't be curious...or I should? I should curiously be uncurious? I'm just curiously confused, now.
   

4. Strut your skills. Isn't that bragging? Isn't pride one of the Seven Deadly? And if I strut my skills would that make me a whore? Well, I mean, of course that implies that have skills in the, uh, marital arena. Uh, not that our bedroom is an arena or anything - there's no seating or tickets or anything and there's no ropes around the bed.
   

5. Ease into it. Ease into what? Exercise? Done. I did a week and I feel like maybe I'm set for another two weeks. I'm all about easing into it...I don't want to start anything at a full run - no way. Then people might think I'm curious or ambitious or strutting my skills. Or they might expect something from me and we can't have that, can we?
   

6. Battle inertia. Ease into it but battle inertia. Can I ease into battling inertia? I mean, inertia isn't stagnation, right? So maybe I could slowly work up the gumption to not be inert?
   

7. Meet people. I'm sorry, do what? Like, in person and not online? Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!!
   

8. Invest money in your reinvention. Oh ho ho! Wouldn't I LOVE to invest money in my reinvvention??!! New clothes, new hair, new, car, new..yk, stuff. Kate Gosselin has money to blow, maybe SHE could reinvest in my reinvention since her's isn't working out so well?
   

9. Engage your loved ones. I'm kind of scared to engage the three year old because he says funky things and then screams at random intervals. The 8 year old wants to talk about her boobs, now that she seems to be starting to get some. The 10 year old wants to talk about her sister's boobs and how it isn't fair that she has some and she doesn't. The 19 month old just seems to want to engage in hitting everyone right now and my husband? Well. PMS. I don't WANT to engage right now.
   

10. Manage your expectations. Manage them how? I manage to have expectations is that good enough? Do I need to, like, list them in order of importance? Maybe categorize them? The easiest way, to me, would be to take all of my current expectations and break them down into three categories: Unrealistic, Bar is too High and Time to Give It a Rest.

I've decided that my expectations for Reinventing Myself are unmanageable and I am not able to ease into them. I'm stuck in a place of inertia where I am no longer engaging my loved ones and I no longer have money to invest in my reinvention. I'd strut my skills but I still have to take an inventory of my knowledge. And meeting people would mean I have to be curious, and I'm notsomuch. Guess I'm not the master of me. Are you the master of you?

Seriously Ranting.

It's been a good, long while since we've had a gripe session; since you just got to say what you wanted to say. Maybe you have a beef with someone or something is bugging you but you can't post it on your own blog because your husband/father/sister/mother/coworkers/neighbors/pastor reads it? Well, here ya go..I'm giving out free soap boxes today. Get on up on yours and sing it!

I've even re-enabled the anonymous posting for ya so take advantage of that if you need to.

So - what's been bugging you lately?

Confidence

My oldest daughter is 10 (almost ELEVEN, Mom). She is wonderful and beautiful and funny and smart and kind and loving and oh, so very confident. She is not embarrassed to be in public with her dad and/or me. She still holds our hands and calls us mommy and daddy - even though her friends tease her endlessly about it. She tells them to be quiet, they should be so lucky as to have a mom and dad like hers, then invites them over for dinner.

She dresses a little unusually for most people's tastes. Some people are amazed that I let her leave the house - but when they ask me, I say, "Her bits and pieces are covered and she's not hurting anyone, so what do I care?"



Truthfully? I'm jealous. I'm jealous that she is confident enough to wear what she wants and not care what people say. I'm jealous that she can pull of such wicked cool (I'm old, aren't I?) ensembles, effortlessly.

She is such an awesome big sister and kids everywhere flock to her and want to be with her. There's a reason for that - because she's confident in who she is, and who she is is pretty darned amazing.

Excess

We all know Kate Gosselin spent an insane amount of money on her hair recently. Can we all also agree that she looks much better? I should hope so, after Seven Thousand Dollars and 20 hours. Good lord, even Bruno could look good after that much work. Well, I mean, Heidi Montag went a little beyond Kate Gosselin but I think she's auditioning for a spot in the witless protection program.

So, Kate's hair. Seven THOUSAND dollars, folks. That's, like, 4 months of pay over here (ok, fine - like, 5 but whatever). I suppose if you have it then by all means fuel the economy and all but I just can't fathom dropping that much on sewing someone else's hair to my head.

Did you all read that, in addition to the slew of procedures she's ALREADY had, Heidi Montag went under the knife for 10 more plastic surgeries (read: superficial upgrades) recently? TEN. Ears? Done. Boobs that could act as a life boat for a whole fleet of coast guard guys? Check. Girl is 23 and I'm not sure she still has any part that God originally gave her! And? She says she's NOT DONE! Pretty soon she'll look like Carrot Top. Dude - Heidi had her NECK FAT sucked out! Her NECK FAT! I wonder if that's where they got the fat for her lips and cheeks? Cause her neck was mega stumpy before. Psh.

Disgusting.

Warning: Contents Under Pressure May Explode

So, I mentioned I had a horrible root canal the other day, right? Well, it's been painful and horrible and terrible *whine*. I'm STILL in pain! My tooth throbs, my face and sinuses throb, my jaw still doesn't open all the way - it's a mess. And? I'm on these antibiotics that give me heartburn.

True story: When the pharmacist gave me the drugs she said, about the Vicodin, "This can cause constipation so be mindful of that." Then she was instructing me on the antibiotics and she stressed, "This can cause SEVERE diarrhea so please stay hydrated and make sure you call your doctor if you have a lot of distress." I looked at her, in pain, and said, "So do the two balance each other out and I can count on a week of normal bowel movements?"

What? Like YOU'VE never thought of that?? Please.

Anyway. So I'm still in pain but trying to NOT take the Vicodin because it's like candy. Yummy, but bad for you. I've also got one more day left on the antibiotics that give me heartburn and I was really hoping I could be out of pain by now, but I'm not. *whine*

Since I've stopped taking the candy Vicodin unless the pain is unbearable, the antibiotics have had nothing impeding their gastro-intestinal side effects.

Today I was shopping with Sienna - BIG shopping not just, "Oh I need some milk and eggs and let's pick up something horribly fattening to snack on while we're here." but big ole grocery shopping. We get all the way through it when I feel something.

Oh, yeah. I felt a rumble in my tummy...only lower. And I knew it was time to head to the back of the store where the bathroom is located. I literally ran jogged to the area where the restrooms are located and I was PRAYING that God would hold my bowels tight until I got to my destination. I was totally doing rectal kegals. SQUEEZE!


Got in the bathroom, sat down (Uh, hello? Who thinks about toilet seat germs when you're afraid your insides are going to fall out??) and I SWEAR to you that my bowels vomited. It was violent. And I felt so much better - you know, after the cold sweat and dizziness passed. But it was momentary because then? The smell hit and I began a new prayer - "Oh, dear Lord - please don't let anyone come in here right now. PLEASE!"

Ask and it shall be given unto you.

Thankfully.

So, the lesson here, kiddies - ass vomit is violent and disgusting but hilarious.

And you should really take those antibiotic diarrheal warnings seriously and carry a spare pair of undies with you while you are under their influence.

You're welcome.

Friday Freebie!

Are you looking for the Friday Freebie? It doesn't live here any more but it left a forwarding address. That's right, it's changed it's name and moved on...if you'd like a Freebie on Friday anymore, you'll need to head over to Mimi's blog. Except today the Freebie is being held over at the 5 Moms Blog!



Wanna see it's new name? Sure ya do...



Thanks, Ladies, for keeping FF alive!

Mwah.

Look, I'm standing Naked before you...

When I started this blog, it was for fun. I missed blogging and writing and, well, having an audience (yes, I'm shallow). Then as it picked up in popularity I thought,"Hey! Maybe I can take this somewhere and do something with it!". So, I worked at that for awhile. Made sure my blog was doing all the right things and had all the right hits. Built up followers - tried to engage everyone so that it wasn't just a pit-stop but a place people wanted to sit down and stay awhile. I worked hard at connecting with people and making my blog what I wanted it to be.

Six years ago something terrible happened in our family. Someone came into our home and attacked our family. We lived with the not knowing while he was on the run and then we dealt with the laughable "justice" system for nearly a year trying to put him away. We moved to a different city.

This last October, he was released from prison.

I spent September and October ensuring that safety plans were in place, Orders of Protection were current and on file in all the right places and that all of our bases were covered. I've spent the following months dealing with the emotional aspects of it all and with other issues that have come up that I just can't discuss, here.

I've felt stifled and suffocated as I couldn't talk about something that was affecting my life so much. Things I've wanted to just say, but can't. It's been a difficult lesson in thinking before I speak (post).

This past month I've wanted to just take my blog down, entirely. I have put so much information out there into the great, wide expanse that is the internet. Pictures of my children, stories, thoughts - it's all easily accessible. It got overwhelming and I just wanted to make it all go away.

But the thought of getting rid of my blog made be both sad and angry. SERIOUSLY angry. We've had to upend and change our lives because of what HE did - this was just one more thing piled onto a laundry list of ways our lives had to change in consequence for his choices and his actions. So, I've tried to compromise.

You will no longer find pictures of my children on this blog. I've also cleaned my photobucket account out, completely. I've deleted the tags with their names. I will no longer be referring to them by name or posting pictures of their faces. I took myself off of lists that drove traffic to my blog. I've told google and other search engines to stop crawling my site. I discontinued Friday Freebie and Blogstyle Iron Chef here (thankfully some lovely ladies have agreed to pick them up again!). In short, I'm trying to undo all the work from the past year.

But I'm not deleting my blog. Yet.

I'm no fool. If he wants to find information on us or wants to find us, he can. This is the digital age, after all, and there is a trail wherever you go. I'm just trying to make it a little harder for him - use cracker crumbs instead of whole loaves of bread.

Of course, there's a chance he'll never seek us out - and that would be fantastic - but I can't put money on that chance. I can't put my kid's safety on that chance.

So, now you know. I'll try to get back on track here as soon as I can. Thank you so much for all of the love and kindness you guys have shown me - especially to those of you that sensed something was up and sought me out. Much love, holmes.

Peace out.

Shorts

I'm not ready, yet, to make a full post about what's going on here at S & P, but I felt the need to share the following:

Redneck pick up lines:

Yesterday, while walking out of Albertsons, I noticed a truck drive by me and turn around. I continued on my merry way and started loading my 3 year old and groceries into the van. The truck made one pass and came back by. This time, he stopped. He rolled down his window and he yelled, "You have a GREAT ass!" and then just sat there in his truck like a puppy waiting for his treat.

Giddy-up.

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Man Hands:

Today I was sitting in the dentist chair receiving an emergency root canal. (Good times.) After having a raging infection that spread to my sinus area and caused my face to swell, I was HAPPY for the root canal that would murder my tooth. But, uh, I have TMJ so I can't open my mouth very wide so sitting for a prolonger period with my mouth open and someone yanking on it to get it open wider just isn't fun, no matter HOW numb you are. I decided that having a female dentist with small hands would have been a better idea. That led me to think of two other professions where smaller hands might be preferred.

An OB/GYN - cause, yk, it's uncomfortable enough as it is but when someone is in there up to the wrist, I prefer a smaller hand.

Proctologist - well, I mean...If you've GOT to have someone go THERE wouldn't it be nicer if the hands were small and slendy instead of meaty and massive??!

Exactly.

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OK, so I'll be back with an explanation soon.

Mwah!

Final Friday Freebie Winner!!!

Thank you, again, to all that entered this freebie and the freebies of the past year. I'm sad to see it go.

Time to announce the final winner!

The winner left this comment:

I'd love to win a box of crap from you! Well, as long as it was not really crap. EWWW! That would be gross! Open your box and get a big surprise. LOL

Promise, I won't send actual crap. LOL

Congratulations to Christy Rose at The Secret Life of an American Wife and Mom!!!!

Christy, email me and let me know your mailing address. Your box of crap will go out on the 16th!

Thank again, everyone, and don't forget to visit Mimi to continue winning things on Friday!!

Just because I want to use my pretty button one last time...

Friday Freebie Farewell!!!

Here we are again - Friday. Every Friday for the past year I've had a Freebie on Friday. Even if one of you gracious, wonderful people guest hosted it for me - there was a freebie arranged. We've had some pretty awesome Freebies given away over this last year and I am so thankful to everyone that volunteered their time, effort, blog and money. THANK YOU! I'm also thankful to those of you that came back for more every week.

Sadly, this is the last Friday Freebie that will be held here at Sacred & Profane. I've so enjoyed all of the great things I've been able to give away and all the wonderful comments you have left begging for them. HA! Don't be too sad, though - my friend Mimi will be picking up the torch, in one form or another, and hosting the Friday Freebie over at her place. Mimi rocks, doesn't she? Thanks Mimi! Mimi is going to continue the tradition of people guest hosting on occasion so if you're interested, please contact her via email.

Wait! There's a parting gift! Yep, one last Freebie to see you off into the great wide open of blogville.

As I said, there have been some great freebies this past year but one of my favorites has always been the...

Big Ole Box Of Crap!!!

That's right! Enter to win a box of ... whatever I stick in there! I have a couple goodies sitting here that were for Friday Freebies in the future - those'll be in the box. There will also likely be a treat of some kind. And then? It's whatever else I can shove in there.

How to enter? Easy - as always - just leave me some comment love. Did you win a freebie this past year? What was it? Were you always a bridesmaid and never a bride? Is this your first time stopping by? Even if you just say boo..go ahead. Say it.

Thank you all SO much for everything!

Happy Friday!

Iron Chef: Signing Off

The December Challenge was the last Blogstyle Iron Chef challenge that will be held here at Sacred & Profane.

Thank you to everyone that participated in the last (almost) year of Blogstyle Iron Chef competitions. I SO enjoyed trying all of the recipes and have added and modified some of my own recipes based on things I've tried from this competition. If someone else wants to pick this thing up where I left off, more power to ya! I wouldn't be offended in the slightest.

Make sure you check out the recipes from the past year's winners:




Feb: Lauren
March: Rhonda
April: Shelby
May: Katie
June: -stephanie-
July: Lillian and Corban
October: Cheryl
November: Heidi
December: JenT

Thanks, again, to everyone that played a part in this.