Seeing My Reflection

More and more I've become somewhat of a recluse. When I was younger I would want to always go out, do something, be somewhere. I longed to be surrounded by people and to communicate with them. In my teen years and early 20's that meant parties and hanging out. After I had kids it meant doing church stuff - organizing activities, teaching, leading out. As I got a little older I took it further and became a blood drive coordinator for the Red Cross and I ran our town's branch of the Food Bank. My need to be social combined with my desire to be useful and to help people.

Life has a way of wearing you down, though, and I no longer feel the pull to surround myself with people. The desire and yearning for social activity and companionship has actually reversed itself. Now, when presented with the opportunity to attend an activity or be with people, I try and find an excuse to not go. To not engage. I send Rob and the kids but I'm happy as a lark to stay behind and not have to deal with the song and dance of trying to interact.

For awhile it made me lonely and felt like a self-imposed prison. Now it just feels normal. In fairness, when we were dealing with the early stage of Corban and his melt downs and aversion to people, crowds, touching and all sorts of stimuli, I folded the two of us in a cocoon and gradually started easing him out as he could handle. Lately, though, I've been reflecting on this behavior of mine. Probably because of something Rob said in regards to our church harvest party. I told him I didn't know if I was going or not and he said I couldn't be a recluse forever.

Why don't I want to be with people? I like to flippantly say that I just don't like people. They irritate me. But that's not true - I do like people. I like the interaction. I enjoy helping people and being helpful.

Perhaps I'm trying to protect myself. Maybe I'm the cliche case of "I've been hurt too many times so I'm not going to give people the opportunity again." And while we laugh at that, I'm about 95% certain that is the biggest reason I don't want to connect with people. When they get close, I push. I'm fine with casual acquaintances and superficial "friendship" but I don't want to delve into the depths of what goes on in my head or how I feel with anyone. Well, anyone but Rob. He's the one exception. Oh, there are the few exceptions of friends - but for the most part we don't go too deep.

Now I have to wonder if I am lonely. Am I kidding myself when I say I'm not? Would it really be honest of me to say I'd rather be with just my kids and Rob? Do I miss it? Am I longing for something that I used to have?

Who knows.