One of the cool things about becoming a parent is that you get to make the rules. You get to take a look at all the rules your parents made for you and decide if they actually made sense or if they were as ridiculous as you thought they were. Then? You get to throw them out the window.
For instance, I was not allowed to wear black or bright red nail polish. Why? Because only goths wear black nail polish and bright red was for grown ups. Sienna asked to buy some black polish and I instantly said no. She asked why and I said, I have no idea. So we bought the black and both painted our nails. Threw that dumb rule out the window.
I had to have 24 hour notice to do things as a kid. And by things I mean I couldn't come home after school and say that so-and-so wants me to come over and spend the night/play tonight (Friday) or even go roller skating. The answer was no unless I had asked the required 24 hours (or close to it) in advance. After having spent some time in the trenches with kids that are developing social lives, we've modified this rule. We appreciate 24 hours notice but it's not required. We understand that things pop up but we're not going to accommodate every single thing that the kids ask to do. The answer, though, is not automatically no if you don't ask early enough.
At sleepovers I had to be home the next day by 10am. TEN AM. Do you understand that people are not even dragging themselves out of bed yet? I would have to get up and leave before my friends even woke for the day. I also was not allowed to come home and take a nap or anything, even if we had nothing going on for the day - I wasn't allowed to sleep. What was the purpose of these rules? I mean, really? They make NO SENSE to me. Obviously we've tossed these bad boys out the window, too. Sis had her first slumber party this weekend and we ended it at noon. The girls came stumbling out of bed between 10-10:30 and had a few hours to clean up and finish hanging out. Had sis wanted to take a nap yesterday, I would have let her as long as she got her chores done first. She opted not to, but the option was there.
Rob's rules were even weirder and seriously more strict so we've tossed pretty much most of those out and adopted our own.
I'm not saying our parent's rules didn't make sense, I'm just saying that ALL of their rules didn't make any sense. Sometimes I think they didn't think they made sense either, but didn't want to appear weak or wishy-washy so they didn't do anything to change them. WE have a policy that if the kids think a rule is unfair, they can challenge it. Oh, but not immediately and not in a whiney way. Nay. They have to come up with LOGICAL reasons why it doesn't make sense. "All my friends get to" is not considered logical OR admissible. In fact, if you throw that out I'm pretty much gonna just leave the rule as it is no matter what because that just pisses me off. In the event that the rule is proven to not make sense then we will reconsider and either modify the rule or throw it out entirely.
What were some of the rules your parents had that you have decided made no sense so you don't impose them upon your kids? Have you found yourself spouting off your parent's rules only to realize you have no idea why it's a rule?
- heidi
- Montana, United States
- I'm a wife and mom of 5. I work part time from my home while I babysit various neighborhood kids in addition to all the full time duties of staying at home. Yay me. Where's my medal?
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20 comments:
We didn't really even consider our parents' rules. My parents wouldn't allow us to participate in activities they would have to drive us to. We drive all the time. DH's parents, actually his mother, wouldn't allow them to eat sweets. We think everything in moderation is fine.
We don't have many rules. I did have to put one in place a couple years ago though. No leaving the house without brushing your teeth. It's a rule everyone has seemed OK with so far. :)
The phone! When my sister and I were teenagers, call waiting had just come around, but my Dad couldn't hear the beep to let you know that a call was coming in and he wouldn't interrupt a phone call to switch over, anyway (even if he could hear it...)
He was the manager of a retail store, and so that he wouldn't miss any important calls from the store, he made a rule that my sister and I could only talk to our friends for 15 minutes. Fifteen.minutes...
If we were on the phone any longer than that, he would stand beside us and tap his watch until we got off.
We got around it though...we'd talk for fifteen minutes, but then our friends would call back shortly and we'd talk for fifteen more. He didn't appreciate that so much :D
I had to be up and moving by 8 am every single stinking day of my life, no matter what was going on the night before. When I started working at Lagoon and not getting home until 2 or 3 in the morning I'd wake up, allow myself to be seen and then leave the house and go to my friend's house and go back to sleep until time to go to work again. It made my mother extremely nervous to have people sleeping during the hours of daylight.
My mom was pretty awesome, so we didn't have too many stupid rules. We were poor so we never got to use the dish washer. I had to wash the dishes and let them dry in the dishwasher. I thought it was cruel, but I guess I understand it now.
I know that we had some crazy rules (I remember being picked up many sunday mornings at a sleepover so that I could still go to church, and you are right the parents aren't even up then!). However, some of our rules are because of the temperament of the parent. So I do understand some of the silly ones now.
I don't think many of our rules are like my parents rules yet... Good post!
You and your husbands home sounded like mine. Strict! My mom is crazy and we had some weird rules. So far we don't really have those rules yet for our daughter who is 2, she has to obey but we don't have rules. i love how you guys bought the black nail polish, how fun!
I've not really thought about it much. We have such different lives that we had as children but I'm sure if we talked about it we'd find some of the same rules. I just can't think of any right now.
What rules?! I can't remember a one of them..why? cause I'm the parent! (insert evil laugh)
HA hA!
We are pretty laid back..more so then our parents but in some areas less tolarant then our parents..
like Dating ...it will be when they are 30 ;)
oh I kid..I guess we just cross the bridges when we get there!
We had Saturday chores, and if we had a friend over we had to do the chores before we could play with them. So often times my friends would help me out. My Mother would always check my work, and if it wasn't up to her standards I would have to do them over again. So embarrassing. I couldn't understand why we had to do them in the morning. Why couldn't we do chores after our friends went home?
I did not have many rules when I was a kid. I pretty much follow along with this with my kids too. They get a lot of leeway to do pretty much what they want unless I have a bad gut feeling about it and then they have to be willing to trust me about that whenever I feel like it is necessary. And as long as they continue to show pretty good judgement themselves or they give me a reason to say no because of some kind of trust issue, the answer will usually be yes. It works pretty well. They get to do a lot of whatever they want and when I truly feel like the answer needs to be no, they trust it. So far so good. Prayerfully all will stay that way. :)
I honestly can't remember any rules that I thought were unfair or unjust *gasp*! I guess my parents did ok...or perhaps it was just because their children were angelic (must be)!
It will be interesting though to find out what rules my husband and I come up with together for our little one!
Wow...those are some strict rules. My FIL has told me before that he believe that children should be allowed to do as they please (as long as it's not harmful to themselves or others) and shouldn't be subjected to rules. (btw, this explains A LOT to me about why my hubs things some of the things he does.) Personally, I'm all for moderation. Ok, my one hard, fast rule is only eating at the table. (But I break this all the time).
Ha. I was the 3rd child and much younger than my siblings. My mother was HORRIBLE to them, but by the time I came along, the wolves raised me. I didn't have any rules really. (I think my sister still has resentment about that. Ha.)
I'm glad you're letting some of your parent's rules go. If anything, I have some particular rules for my daughter just because I'm being "lazy" and can get away with it while she is 4. ;-/
Ha. I was the 3rd child and much younger than my siblings. My mother was HORRIBLE to them, but by the time I came along, the wolves raised me. I didn't have any rules really. (I think my sister still has resentment about that. Ha.)
I'm glad you're letting some of your parent's rules go. If anything, I have some particular rules for my daughter just because I'm being "lazy" and can get away with it while she is 4. ;-/
Rule? I didn't have any rules growing up. That's why I turned out messed up. Now, my kids have ALL the rules. They will be writing a post like this about me one day:-)
I was not allowed to call boys, even in high school. Since I only have sons, I didn't have to worry about ditching this rule.
I was raised by very strict (but loving) parents. They loosened up a little as they got older (and are total pushovers as grandparents) but they had a lot of rules that didn't make any sense to me back then.
My mother was always cleaning house when we were growing up. ALWAYS. All day long. The house had to look perfect. Picture the featured house in "Better Homes and Gardens". It had to look that perfect inside. Saturdays were major cleaning days. Growing up, we couldn't go anywhere or do anything on Saturdays until the entire house was cleaned to her satisfaction. That was an all day process.
I loved to read. Wanted to read all the time. My mother saw it as a waste of good time. I used to hide when I was younger so I could read, because if she caught me she would say, "If you have nothing better to do I can sure find something for you!" My aunt lived nearby. I can remember going to her house, getting into my cousin's books, and reading to my heart's content!
I like for my house to be in order, but I'm not fanatical about it. I'd much rather spend time with my family than to worry about some dust bunnies under the bed! :-)
Great post, Heidi!
Ummm...for some reason this post brings this memory to mind: I recall asking my mom to help me buy a new prom dress, and she informed me that because *she* only had one formal dress for all of high school, that's all I would have. (Read: the rule is, all the stuff I was denied, you will be denied.)
Unfortunately, the story gets worse. I decided to rip off a dress. It's true. Thank goodness, I was caught. My dad came and got me at the mall security and reprimanded me for stuffing the dress up my skirt and being a "stupid thief" as opposed to a smart one.
So yeah, luckily my parents and I have repaired over the years, but I've pretty much started with a fresh slate in terms of rules and figuring out how to parent.
I am so that awful "rule" parent. My kids were not allowed to do anything without the "24 hour" notice like you had. Now we have loosened up over the years but when Teresa & Taylor were elementary school age I was pretty strict about it. Now the reason behind that was every single Friday the girls would ask for a sleepover. Not just once or twice but they always waited until Friday after school to ask so the rule had to be started. It gradually filtered into their brains to ask ahead of time and now we rarely need to use the rule because they have both learned to give plenty of notice. Jaquelyn still has trouble sometimes but she is slowly learning too. Rebecca doesn't need the rule too much yet since she has no social life outside of the neighbor kids.
I am working on loosening the apron strings slightly with the oldest...who will be 18 in August and off to college...but it is very hard.
Sorry, but after raising our kids and only two left at home NOTHING is more annoying than "Can I go...." without some notice.
Maybe it is because we were corralling five or too tired on a Friday night - but it is mere consideration when the need us to do something to make their whim/wish come true.
The worst? Is when it is a scholl function. Then you are cornered.
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