How to Re-Invent Yourself

I had such fun with the New Years Resolution list (which weren't MINE, btw, people - stop emailing me about smoking and drug use for cryin' out loud!) I decided to take on another helpful list. So I swiped an article with some actual good points and I'm going to go ahead and poke fun at it now. But should you want to follow the ACTUAL article and get REAL advice, you can look here because you might like it.

1. Be the master of yourself. Is that anything like being the Master of my Domain? <--Seinfeld reference. I can only imagine how this conversation would go - "Self? I am the master of you now. Bow down to me. You must do as I tell you." But, say, I don't want to do what I say I have to do - do I have to listen to me if I'm the master of me and it's me telling me what to do? Just asking.

2. Inventory your knowledge. Is this supposed to make me feel better or worse about myself? Inventory my knowledge? Like, in a Dewey Decimal system kind of way? Catalog it? Animal knowledge goes here, computer crap over here, cooking and recipes in the blue tub, marriage lessons learned gets a whole floor to itself and child rearing has a drawer since I'm woefully inadequate. No, but really, this is good. Next weekend when my IL's ask us to come over I'll say, "Sssss...oooooh..sorry! Wish I could but it's inventory weekend for me."
   

3. Be curious. I'm curious about what being curious has to do with anything. Didn't curiosity kill the cat? So I shouldn't be curious...or I should? I should curiously be uncurious? I'm just curiously confused, now.
   

4. Strut your skills. Isn't that bragging? Isn't pride one of the Seven Deadly? And if I strut my skills would that make me a whore? Well, I mean, of course that implies that have skills in the, uh, marital arena. Uh, not that our bedroom is an arena or anything - there's no seating or tickets or anything and there's no ropes around the bed.
   

5. Ease into it. Ease into what? Exercise? Done. I did a week and I feel like maybe I'm set for another two weeks. I'm all about easing into it...I don't want to start anything at a full run - no way. Then people might think I'm curious or ambitious or strutting my skills. Or they might expect something from me and we can't have that, can we?
   

6. Battle inertia. Ease into it but battle inertia. Can I ease into battling inertia? I mean, inertia isn't stagnation, right? So maybe I could slowly work up the gumption to not be inert?
   

7. Meet people. I'm sorry, do what? Like, in person and not online? Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!!
   

8. Invest money in your reinvention. Oh ho ho! Wouldn't I LOVE to invest money in my reinvvention??!! New clothes, new hair, new, car, new..yk, stuff. Kate Gosselin has money to blow, maybe SHE could reinvest in my reinvention since her's isn't working out so well?
   

9. Engage your loved ones. I'm kind of scared to engage the three year old because he says funky things and then screams at random intervals. The 8 year old wants to talk about her boobs, now that she seems to be starting to get some. The 10 year old wants to talk about her sister's boobs and how it isn't fair that she has some and she doesn't. The 19 month old just seems to want to engage in hitting everyone right now and my husband? Well. PMS. I don't WANT to engage right now.
   

10. Manage your expectations. Manage them how? I manage to have expectations is that good enough? Do I need to, like, list them in order of importance? Maybe categorize them? The easiest way, to me, would be to take all of my current expectations and break them down into three categories: Unrealistic, Bar is too High and Time to Give It a Rest.

I've decided that my expectations for Reinventing Myself are unmanageable and I am not able to ease into them. I'm stuck in a place of inertia where I am no longer engaging my loved ones and I no longer have money to invest in my reinvention. I'd strut my skills but I still have to take an inventory of my knowledge. And meeting people would mean I have to be curious, and I'm notsomuch. Guess I'm not the master of me. Are you the master of you?