Top Ten List!

It's that time of year again - time to make resolutions. Looking forward to a new year - a new chance - starting over - clean, crisp and fresh like brand new sheets?

Only, uh, I don't make resolutions. The past few years my friend Kim and I have picked a word we'd like to embody more by the end of the year. She was inspired by another blog she reads and we happily stole the idea. Upon checking with Kim a few days ago, we discovered that we had perhaps fallen short this year. I say perhaps because neither of us can remember what our words were so we may have embodied our words and just don't know it. So we only half failed, I guess.

So, looking for some guidance on getting a fresh start in 2010, I went looking for the Top 10 Things I should Resolve. According to ABC, here they are...

Lose Weight
Get Fit
Manage Debt
Save Money
Get A Better Job
Get a Better Education
Quit Smoking Now
Drink Less Alcohol
Reduce Stress
Take a Trip

Oh, sure - I can do that! Let's break those down, shall we? Oh come on....it'll be FUN!

Lose Weight: I've tried to lose weight. In fact, I thought I lost it, but it always finds me again. It's like my arse puts out an Amber Alert for the missing padding when I shed the pounds. SOS! Mayday! Mayday! We have LOST the ass fat! Repeat: The ass fat is MISSING! Code Adam! Red Alert! We will stop at NOTHING to get that lost weight back! REWARD OFFERED!

Get Fit: Can you buy that somewhere? I checked at Costco and they were out of stock. Overstock.com has no listing for "fit" either. If I knew where I could buy it, I'd buy me a Fit and then I'd be able to complete this resolution.

Manage Debt: My debt is managed quite nicely, thankyouverymuch. Rob knows exactly where the debt is and what we owe to which companies. It's all piled up neatly and I resent the implication that we don't know how to file our mail.

Save Money: Do I look like Wonder Woman? An Evangelist? I'm in no position to save money. Money can save itself. If money doesn't ever learn to save itself then it will be co-dependant for it's entire existence and will never reach the level of emotional maturity that it needs. I would only be hurting money more if I saved it.

Get a Better Job: Define Better. I mean, I don't hate my JOB, per se. I dislike (tremendously) aspects of my job and people at my job but on the whole i don't hate my job. I wouldn't mind a better PAYING job. Besides, who's to say what's better and what's not? Maybe I already have a better job than you do? Ever consider that? I have a better job than the guy at Taco Bell that has to clean the grease traps. I have a better job than the guy that has to suck the crap out of outhouses with a great big hose. Better is subjective. Nah, I don't need a better job. (Email me for my resume!)

Get A Better Education: Again with the better?! Better than what? C'mon now..I graduated high school at the very bottom of my class - that's better than some people, right? What kind of education is better? A BA? MD? What? Huh? And how am I supposed to Save Money if I'm getting a Better Education? These all seem to contradict each other..no wonder everyone fails to keep them.

Quit Smoking Now: That cracks me up. Not later. Not next week. Now. Quit Smoking NOW. En-Oh-Double-Ewe. Cigarette companies love this time of year - people stock up and smoke twice their regular amount for the week leading up to New Years Day just so they can "quit". Then Nicorette and the patch get to take a turn at the revenue blast. It's an equal opportunity resolution. But do it Now. Not in March, ok?

Drink Less Alcohol: This is kind of vague, again, isn't it? Less than who? Less than Tommy Lee? Done. Less than Meg Ryan in When A Man Loves A Woman? Done. Less than Rob? Hmm...I'd have to quit entirely, then. See? Subjective, again. I don't like these vague resolutions. Let's put some definition to them. I resolve to drink less than Lindsay Lohan this year. See? Now you have some guidelines.

Take a Trip: If I try and keep all these resolutions the only trip I'll be taking is to the looney bin. Don't drink, don't smoke, don't spend, don't eat - what do ya do? (Adam Ant!) Let's Go Crazy! (Prince!) Besides, I have 4 kids - we have to save up to head out to dinner at someplace other than IckDonalds (Cute Little Snelling Girl!). If we want to order something that hasn't been bathed in grease and sweat then we need to budget it in 6 months in advance. Maybe we'll do that. Pizza hut? HERE WE COME!

Reduce Stress: Is this for real? I mean...seriously? Reduce Stress? How? Again - I'm not shopping, not eating, not smoking, not drinking - where is my outlet?? Yeah, yeah - Rob thinks that I should just substitute sex for all of those things. AND! Added benefit, he says, - Great Exercise - I could get FIT too!. *Ahem* Or, yk, knocked up. Reduce Stress. HA! Double HA! Reduce, Reuse and Recycle is my motto. I reduce stress by reusing it over and over - I just keep stressing about all the same stuff thus recycling the same emotions and habits. When I do this then I don't have room for any new stressors so I thereby reduce my stress by keeping up with the stress I currently have.

I really think that I've more than proven my point about New Years Resolutions.

Someone bring me a drink. (And some of those little cocktail wieners in BBQ sauce?)