Workin' 9 to 5

I hate my job. I do, I hate it. Oh sure, yeah, great it's cool that I get to work from home. Yeah, I get it. I'm taking it for granted. Whatever. I make barely above minimum wage; my hours are not set in stone and I can go from 40 hours a week to 9 in the time it takes to send out an email; management is umm..interesting; they spread my shifts out so that I may only work 6 hours in a day but I work it from 6-7am then 9-11am and 12-1 then 3-4 to finish off the night from 10-11pm. Add to all of that that I work from HOME so I also am still being mom, wife, nanny, teacher, nurse, housekeeper and all around goddess. Whatever - I'm just bitter and I don't like my job.

So, I thought I'd make a list of jobs I WOULD like, yk, in theory. Let's just forget the fact that I lack any sort of recognizable skill to actually PERFORM any of these jobs, ok? This is MY fantasy and I can do what I want.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition or Deserving Design with Vern Yip- oh, c'mon...any show that lets me throw gobs of money at people who are in need and/or desperate? Is there any real question as to whether or not this would be a kick butt job? Plus I'd have hair and make-up people, wardrobe people and I'd get to go shopping for stuff with money that isn't mine. Duh.

What Not to Wear - using sarcasm and biting humor to belittle people and shame them into changing? Sign me right up! It'd be like having my own life size dress up dolls. Again, hair, make-up, wardrobe and shopping with other people's money.

Food Critic - how cool would it be to get paid to go eat at restaurants and critique the food? I want to be the family sized critic, though. I want to go into a restaurant with my whole family and judge it on it's service to families and the quality of food. Is it good for me AND my 3 year old? Do the chicken nuggets work as well as the London Broil? How did they handle the food throwing and temper tantrums? Were they quick? Did they offer to refill my wine glass frequently enough to keep a smile on my face while I dealt with my heathen brood? Was there a TV for my husband to stare at while this all occured? People would FEAR me ... well .. they already do. Yk, when you walk into a restaurant with 4 kids and they all do paper, rock, scissors to see who HAS to have you in their section? But I want a different kind of fear. And I want someone else to pick up the tab for dinner.

Speaking of food - I want to be Guy Fieri from Drive-In's, Diners and Dives. I don't want platinum spikey hair and I would wear my sunglasses forward, but I want his job. Greasy food? Comfort food? FREE food? Lordy, lordy, lordy. I think I'm all turned on, now.

Have you ever seen the show Three Sheets or Thirsty Traveler? Basically these guys travel all over the world drinking different kinds of alcohol. I'd get to travel AND my job would be to drink! Man, can you go wrong with that?? Though I rather like the idea of being more like Anthony Bourdain because he gets more into the place that he's traveled to and gets to eat, too. Plus Anthony is an unabashed smoker. I want to be an unabashed smoker, too. But, I'm abashed. I'm a reluctant non smoker. *sigh* I wonder if these guys have to come home and detox on the off season?

I love all of those things muy mucho, but what I think would be the coolest job in the world would be to have my own talk show. I'm thinking more Ellen than Dr. Phil. Definitely favor Bonnie Hunt over that O person. I want to be paid to be funny, witty and have everyone hang on my every word. Wardrobe, hair, makeup people at my side. Sponsorship - money and prizes to throw at people. Meeting stars, being sarcastic, traveling. It would be MY show so I could do whatever I wanted, yk, mostly. Rosie before she went all whack job. Basically, I could combine all of the above mentioned professions and make them into my own talk show/variety type show and I could do all of the jobs that I want for the price of one.

*sigh* That would rock my super cool striped socks.