Open Letter to My Church

(I wrote this letter, originally, on November 15, 2003. I published it in the Newsletter and sent copies to the Pastor, Head Elder and Head Deacon. I took it to the Church Board and proposed several ideas geared toward young families. It was a frustrating experience, to say the least. Not much changed. I am very happy to hear, though, that after we moved a new influx of families came into the church and have been able to get the new church board to see the need for more family friendly activities. Still no church nursery, though.)

It’s Sabbath afternoon and once again I left church early feeling discouraged and frustrated. After 30 agonizing minutes of trying to keep my two-year old quiet and occupied, we both gave up together. She gave up by getting louder and louder, refusing to sit still. I gave up by gathering our belongings and my 4 year old to head out the door to the sanctuary of home. 30 minutes, and we hadn’t even started the sermon, yet.

The last time I heard a sermon was on the Christian Radio Station. The last time I heard a sermon in church…well, I can’t even tell you when that was. Each Sabbath it is the same thing, I finally get us all together and upstairs when the chaos sets in. I have tried snacks, quiet boxes and toys. Forgive me for saying this, but sometimes it just isn’t worth the effort. The blessing I receive by coming to church is often overshadowed by the frustration and discouragement I feel by the time I leave.

Why is it that our church does not have a nursery or some sort of children’s program for toddlers and babies? Why is it that we expect people to take care of preparing our food for potluck but when the subject of a nursery comes up we are told that it would be considered working on the Sabbath? I have news for you – I work every Sabbath.

There’s a song from the 80’s that sticks out in my mind. A line from it goes like this: “I believe the children are our future…” Guess what? They are our now. Our church has more small children and infants in it than it did 5 years ago. Families are growing and the fact that we do not have a child friendly church can go ignored no longer. People can no longer run from service in the Children’s divisions or Children’s church and say they support the youth of our church. I’m calling you on it. If you sincerely believe that the children are our future (present) and you support a child friendly church, then what are you doing about it? How are you supporting those families that have small children? Do you shoot stabbing glares back when their children make noise? Do you shush them and whisper to your neighbor about how uncontrollable their children are? Are you irritated at the minor distractions their children make because it detracts from the experience you feel you should be getting at church?

Do you want to know why so many young families don’t come to church anymore? I can’t say I know the definitive answer, but I can confidently say I know part of it. It is because our church offers nothing to our children. It offers nothing to the harried young mothers and fathers who scramble around each Sabbath to fetch their child from the podium or attempts to keep their child from escaping under the pews. What are we afraid of? Are we afraid that if parents take rotating turns in the nursery they will somehow be failing their children? Are we afraid that the child will never learn how to sit still in church and learn? How much better would a child learn if the lesson was more age appropriate? You can’t honestly expect a two year old to sit through an hour long service and glean something from it other than the word “Shhh!”. It’s too much for them. And quite frankly, it’s too much for me.

Did you know that the average attention span for a two year old is two minutes (for quiet, restrained activity) and that is when fully engaged in an age appropriate activity. Two minutes!!! Look around you at church next time you’re there. How many families do you see with children 3 and under? I can count at least 5 without even trying. What are we doing to make their Sabbath experience something special? I know for a fact I’m not the only harried mother there chasing her child down and desperately trying to hear the words that are being spoken.

Most of the Sabbath School Teachers in the Children’s Division have children under 10, so not only are we not hearing the sermon, but we don’t even go to an adult Sabbath School class. Please don’t misunderstand me; we are downstairs because we want to be, but we also crave the adult interaction and spiritual guidance on an adult level. We come to commune with the Lord, the same as you do. We come to find a moment of peace; that moment when you know you are in the Lord’s presence and you praise Him for it. We come for wisdom, guidance and learning.

Please, I’m begging you, have patience with us and with our children. We’re all trying. My children are missing naptime and are late for lunch by the time the sermon is in full swing, so give me some leeway, ok? I’m also asking you to search your hearts – what can we be doing as a church body to make our church more family friendly? What do we have to offer? What do you have to offer? Why are we so against programs geared towards small children? Why do we have to beg, plead and grovel to get volunteers to help out with our children … our future?

How do we fix this problem? Why not create a nursery for our church families? There are enough families with small children that we could each cover a Sabbath on a rotating basis enabling each family to receive a blessing from the sermon at least twice per month. We could put an age limit on it – say 3 and under – and provide a safe environment for our children while allowing their parents a chance to gain the wisdom and guidance they crave, and deserve. I’ll volunteer for the first Sabbath.

One last question – what was the sermon about today? Because I really needed to hear it.

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. “ Proverbs 22:6