I am one of four children, yet I am an only child.
Ugh. Ma? Stop reading and come back tomorrrow. Mwah.
I have one biological brother, 1 step brother and 1 step sister. It's not so hard to let go of the step-sister, because we were never close. Ever. Even when she lived with us. My step brother and I were close at different stages. He has 4 or 5 kids. I've lost count, to be honest. He quit talking to me a couple of years ago. We have one of those 'on again, off again' type of relationships. We're 'Off Again' right now.
My biological brother and I? We're estranged. (Estranged: to arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness) Where there had formerly been love. Estranged. That's us.
Right now, at this very moment, I am missing my brother. Whom I can't even refer to as my brother ever again. I miss him. We were so close growing up. Sometimes? We were all each other had in the world. Now? It means a fat load of nothing. I miss my little brother. He made choice that changed ALL of our lives and now? I no longer have a little brother.
I feel sad about that often.
Don't tell me to forgive him and move on. It can't be done. It can't be reversed. It is what is is, and he officially is released from prison in Octoner of 2009. A mere 5 years. A year and a half of which we spent in court fighting to get him IN prison to begin with.
I feel so alone, sometimes.
I'm gonna stop, now, with my ambiguous exhausted rant. See ya.
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23 comments:
I have had my share of family drama... and one ended the worst possible way. Life can be so sad and trying sometimes. Sorry you miss your brother. Thinkin' of you!
I am lucky that so far we don't have much "Family drama" as your first commenter so aptly put it. It saddens me that families are broken, but I do realize there are real reasons...
(((Heidi))) I understand. And I am sad about it with you. ~T
OH Heidi, I am so sorry! You are in my prayers and such a strong woman and such a wonderful Godly example to your children. I have two comments on my facebook page..I hope they help your spirit a little..
There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your PAST, there is a reason why they didn't make it to your future. ♥
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
(((hugs))))
I'm so sorry. Wishing I could hug you over the miles!
"The Lord is my strength and my shield...a very present help in times of trouble." Psalm 46:1
I hope, dearly, that you can reconnect with your brother. I lost my brother, and realize how important those relationships can be. I would love the chance to see him again.
I hope that your brother has the same wonderful attitude about this as you do. He needs your cute, sarcastic, cooking, attitude self in his life!
Loves ya...
I am so sorry! I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. You and your family will be in my prayers!
I am so sorry, I understand feeling alone. My sister lives 17 hrs away and we rarely talk, unless I call her. Sometimes it gets exhausting being the only one that makes the effort. I really hope that things get better for you! ((HUGS!!))
Just a hug, Heidi. A tight, hold you close, hug.
I am estranged from my parents and younger brother. Getting to know my older brother again after not have any contact with each other for several years. So I get it. Thought I would just say that 'cause there is nothing more disheartening than those who don't.
(hugs)
LORI
Lifting you in prayer and big hugs headed your way... Family stuff is hard, I can relate.
So sorry, Heidi. Loneliness sucks under the best of circumstances but with the history it's so much harder. :(
I can't so much relate since my only sibling (half brother) is a freshman in college so there really isn't much drama in our (practically non existant) relationship.
I feel so bad for you because if there were siblings I wasn't close to I would be so bummed. I always wanted to be raised with the Brady Bunch. I actually wanted a big family just so my kids would have each other when they got older to hang out with and let their kids hang out too.
Here's a cyber hug sent your way to try and cheer you up. {{{{{Heidi}}}}}
Sorry that I haven't commented recently...I am totally still recovering from the up all night thing on Friday. I hope Sienna is feeling better after her Friday night escapades.
So sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know there isn't. So I'll just say a little prayer for you, that you feel comforted today.
Amber
XOXOXOXO
Love you, Heidi. And I can only imagine what you're feeling. Hugs, Tammie
I'm sorry to hear that! Hugs and prayers from Arkansas! ♥
OOps I'm on my son's blog...it's me Rhonda from Down Memory Lane. (regarding the post above from "Cameron".
Heidi, I am so very sorry. Some choices we make, cannot be fixed sometimes. :(
I had to forgive the woman that molested my nieces (their own mother), but it doesn't mean I sit in her back pocket, or that I see her, or ever want to speak to her. I just let go of the pain that made it hard for me to breathe. Or wanted to set her on fire.
Forgiveness is a very personal thing, my friend, one that someone cannot tell you or make you do. You do it in your own time, and in your own way.
I'm sorry you are hurting though. I wish I could help.
((Heidi))
and
((Sandy)) just because
I'm so sorry. What a tough ordeal. Praying for you...
My heart aches for you, Heidi. :(
((Heidi)) - My heart hurts for you! You are in my prayers and thoughts!! Miss ya!
I can so totally relate! I come from a family of DYSFUNCTION. I have five brothers and two sisters (let's not get into who belongs to who). Parents are crazy nuts (not exaggerating) and I lead a "very boring and responsible" life which earns me the mantle of "thinking that I am better than everyone else". I have thought lately of starting an blog just where I can air out my dirty laundry since the Adventures of Cat and Bambam just does not seem like the right place to do it. I will keep you posted on that. Back to what you were saying, I too get lonesome especially around the holidays.
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