Blessings

(This was first written 3/16/04 and published shortly thereafter.)

Hello, my name is heidi and I’m losing my mind. I am a stay-at-home mother of two beautiful girls, Sienna (3) and Cara (15 months). I am seriously tempted to commission a t-shirt for myself that says, “I am mommy, hear me yawn.” Is there some unwritten law that says if the first child was easy, the second must be hard? You see, Cara has decided that sleeping is something she’d only like to do in passing. It isn’t something she NEEDS to survive like, say, her dear old mom. Night after night I face the question of – “Will she sleep tonight?” I find myself in a cold sweat at the possibility of another sleepless night as I type these words. To make matters worse, she has also decided that no one, but no one, save mommy will do during these sleepless times. Hey, I’m never one to turn down love but come on – we have to have some boundaries! Oh, I know what you’re thinking and I’ve tried it. Yep, that too. Oh – yeah? I’ve tried that too. Tylenol, teething tablets, co-sleeping, rocking, weaning, nursing, singing, comforting, driving – well, I haven’t been driving because I want her to sleep not end up in the ER. Warm milk, cold milk. Juice. Music. Toys. And finally – just letting her pass out. 4 o’clock in the morning just isn’t as easy as it used to be.

Do I sound like I’m complaining? Probably because I am. It’s all I can think about and talk about these days. “How’re you doing, heidi?” “Oh – besides the fact that I haven’t slept in 4 years, I’m doing ok.” (Visualize my hand flopping over my forehead in southern belle fashion.) I’m such a martyr.

Tonight something clicked. During all this sleepless time I have begged, nay pleaded, with the Lord to fix it. Make it better. Do something – ANYTHING. Every night I am left to wonder when He will answer my prayer. I cry, I whisper a silent prayer, I pray out loud, I pray to myself. Sense a theme here? As I sat nursing Cara tonight, wondering if it was going to be one of THOSE nights, I begun to think about Job. Job lost everything. I mean, he lost his family, his riches, his land, his friends, his possessions, his health – everything – and still he was grateful to the Lord for the blessings he received daily. I don’t recall reading about him whining about his circumstances. I don’t recall him ever once saying “poor, poor, pitiful me”. Job persevered. He didn’t just endure, he persevered. I seem to recall reading something just this morning about Persevering.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:2-4, 12

BAM!!!

So you mean I am supposed to be grateful for the blessings I am receiving even though I’m not sleeping? Where? Where does it say that? Show me.

“Pray without ceasing…in everything giving thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

In EVERYTHING? Surely you jest.

Ok – let me try. Thank you Lord for my beautiful, intelligent, healthy daughters. For my kind, giving, loving husband (blew his cover, didn’t I?) Thank you for the roof over my head and the food in my stomach. I praise you for knowing my needs before I do and I exalt you for never giving me more than I can handle. Awesome God, I am beyond grateful for my friends and family – without them I would not be sane. Thank you for the trees, the flowers and the grass; the birds, the bunnies that live in the bushes down the road; colors, rainbows, music and rhythm. Above all else, Lord Jesus, My Redeemer – thank you for You. For being my best friend and for listening to me whine. Thank you for loving me and giving me more than a second chance. Thank you for helping me to find time and “Be still”. You are the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. Without You I am nothing. Amen.

P.S. God? Do you think maybe we could still work on getting Cara to sleep?